Treating an expectant mother's pregnancy as your own

I know of a lot of hopeful adoptive parents who have, in a way, treated the pregnancy of the woman they matched with like their own. Things like having gender reveal parties, posting pictures of the ultrasound, asking for medical opinions, etc. I don't really like this- I feel like it's in some ways coercive, however unintentionally. I also feel like, from a birth mothers' perspective, the pregnancy was the only thing that was my own. I wouldn't have liked it if my birth daughter's parents had done that. I feel like part of adopting is that you don't get the pregnancy part, and compensating by treating someone else's pregnancy like it's yours isn't healthy. I think it's fine to get excited, but there's a line. Am I wrong to think this way?

My adoptive mom had a baby shower with each one of us. She had a pillow under her shirt for the party. I think that's ok as far as the family celebrating and giving gifts for the baby, but the rest of those things seems extreme, especially posting ultrasound pics and asking for medical advice. I think that's out of line, personally.

I think baby showers are great, I'm all for getting baby what they need and helping hopeful adoptive couples prepare to be parents. Maybe I'm just posessive about the pregnancy part, but I don't like feeling erased when people do some of the things I mentioned in treating her pregnancy as their own.

I think what you are describing is an infertile couple’s (or their family’s) way of getting to experience the pregnancy and have It feel like a real part of the child’s life and parental memories. I think it is fine to HAVE copies of the baby’s ultrasound, but until adoption is completed (which can not happen until the baby is born obviously and the time in which a parent may change her (or his—many forget father’s can contest it too) mind, That child is NOT yours yet and it would be inappropriate to post pictures of someone else’s child in most situation without a parent’s permission, same goes for posting it on line. Gender reveal parties are not really all that old of a tradition, and one that seems geared more toward helping mothers to have something to occupy their time and generate excitement among family and friends when she may be feeling less radiant and at a more awkward and uncomfortable stage in the pregnancy, as well as catering to the attention getting aspects of pregnancy (How many girls and women think pregnancy is a great time where everyone dotes on the mother and makes her feel so special because she has a little life inside, and when it actually happen, find oh my friends want to go out for drinks and party and I can’t because I’m pregnant, or everybody else is talking about where their careers are going and the mother is on bedrest because it was a difficult and dangerous pregnancy?) and also to make sure family members and friends know which gender the baby will be so they can get gender appropriate clothing. Knowing that in some cases, it is not even a case of the parents knowing First, but are taking a sealed envelope to a baker or giving the ultrasound pictures to a family member so the parents find out with everyone else, just seems like it is really just onother reason for a party mentality. I think that allot of the things that you have mentioned in this post and others have mentioned in other posts are tied together. Open adoption seems to be agreeable to adoptive parents more on the front end of things when they are GETTING the updates, but it seems to be more complicated and less of a comfortable thing when they are expected to GIVE updates. I think some of that is because even though the adoptive parents may cognitively know, I am paying for the matching services and for medical costs associated with the child’s birth, there is still a mindset of “paying for the baby” in many ways, like if I am paying for the ultrasound, then I can post the pictures wherever I choose, as if it were a work for hire portrait, and forgetting that in such portraits, if there are models in it a model release must be signed By the model, and if the model is underage must be signed by the custodial parent or guardian, thus even if an adoptive parent has an ultrasound photo, it could be argued that they don’t have the legal right to post it to social media as they are not yet the custodial parent. I think that many adoptive couples need more counseling and healing coming to grips with infertility before adopting because otherwise if they try to experience the pregnancy through the expectant mother in unhealthy ways it is harmful to the mother, to the adoptive parents, and to the child because they are turning her into nothing more than an incubator, and that is emotionally abusive to her.

I can totally understand that. I think I would feel that way too. She gets all the rest of it, so the pregnancy should be all yours.

Yve, I like what you said about how a lot of the things we discussed turn the birth mother in to an incubator. It needs to be clear to the child that they were born to another person, and if an adoptive mom is treating ultrasounds and things like that as her own, it has the potential to be pretty confusing to the adoptee.

I have wondered if birth mothers who contract for an open adoption and provide updates and ultrasound pictures before the child was born has any recourse legally if the adoptive parents suddenly decide they don’t want to send updates or be in contact with the birth mother “for fear that she will change her mind” or something which basically amounts to erasing her from the child’s life once they have (used her) gotten what they wanted from her.

No, we don't. In some states you can have a "legally binding" open adoption contract, but it's not very enforceable. In most states it's just on the adoptive parents word. Once TPR is signed, we get no rights whatsoever.

WOW! I understand to some degree why it is that way as otherwise a parent could at any time for any reason up and decide they want to change their mind and get the child back, which would not necessarily be in the best interests of the child, but if a contract is entered into with specific terms (especially during a very vulnerable time and in many cases the woman being under 18, thus in position to be preyed upon by less scrupulous agencies and individuals) it seems there should be some sort. Of enforceable elements to the contract that unless deemed by a judge to be contrary to a child’s best interest (such as a birth parent stalking or threatening the adoptive parents) at the very least have some sort of penalty, even if it is paying for additional counseling/therapy for the mother as this is most surely traumatic for her and will require a counselor and/or psychiatrist well versed in post adoption and trauma therapies. A woman who goes through such a situation may experience a significant sense of violation, and will be more likely to doubt her own judgement in future decision making.

I agree with you. Unfortunately it's not that way and there's not a lot anyone can do about it.

Not as the laws are currently, no. Maybe with advocacy some of that would change. I still think better preadoption counseling and post adoption counseling for infertile couple may make a significant difference, so they don’t look at adoption the same way as surrogacy. Do agencies ever have a counselor sit down with both the expectant mother and the adoptive parents and discuss their hopes and fears relating to the process and life after the adoption? Just wondering how adequate the counseling generally provided is.

This is an extremely helpful thing to know, we are hoping to foster and possibly adopt my nephew, and we've explained the situation to all three of our children (ages 9, 7, and 4) and they all understand that once he is in our home he will be their BROTHER, not foster brother, not cousin brother, nothing that will make him feel different or alienated. But with my youngest son I tried to be sure to explain in simple terms that his new brother would not be coming from my tummy, but from another mommy's tummy. The other mommy still loves him very much though, so she might want him back, but maybe we will have him forever, etc. I expect we will have similar talks with the baby once he is old enough to understand. It's very hard to explain all of this to each child how they will be able to comprehend it. I don't ever want to say anything in a way that will disconnect my nephew emotionally from my sister, or that will infer that she doesn't love him or didn't want him, because I know that in her heart she does. I don't want to hide anything from him. However I want, from the beginning, to place him into our family as our son, as our children's brother, even if adoption isn't on the table right now, even if it's something that won't come up for a long time, I know the reality of the situation and I know the likelihood of that and I want him to always feel the love and family bond that every child should. I also want his mother to have the comfort of knowing that he has this family here, but that he won't lose the knowledge of his origin, should she ever check in.