Birth mum tore up my letters she told me.

Hi. I would love some feedback on my current situation if there is anyone who would like to offer me any advice, i would welcome it. Short back ground history. I found my Irish birth mum in Ireland in 1999, by accident. I went into therapy shortly after meeting her. I had 5 years away from her to focus on therapy. We met up again in 2004. And got on better. Things were good between us and we even travelled around Ireland together staying in B &B's. In 2009 i found my half adopted biological sister. We are still in touch now. I also met my half brothers in 2002 and 2006, who my birth mum kept; they were born and grew up in Canada where my birth mum lived through the 70's and 80's. I was born in England in 1970. I'm 47 now. I was brought up in a mix trans racial-adoption. I am half Irish/Pakistani, and i was brought up in a white family with 2 biological children and no other adoptees. I given love and wasn't treated differently than the other children. I later realised my adoptive parents were lacking in quite a few parent skills. I was able to open the doors for communication for my half blood sister and our birth mother to interact again for the first time since my sister’s birth; she is 3 years older than me. She later went over to Ireland to meet our birth mother along with her husband. My sister has Cerebral palsy and has difficulties talking, but she is an inspiration to me, with her determination and independence mainly encouraged by her late adoptive mother. My situation. I've been in therapy on and off and being life mentored and having later business advice after the physio therapy was mainly peeled back and any issues i had were brought up and uncovered. As i was feeling empty inside, and feeling lost, and unhappy with my life. It was painful and releasing for me, getting in touch with parts of me which i didn't know were there, and giving them a voice and giving them love. Doing that has make me more self aware, and gaining some emotional intelligence. For which i'm still learning, but i feel much more grounded and centred in who i am because of all the therapy and personal development i've focused on to help myself. BUT with me having focused myself on doing personal development over the last 10 years. When she came over to England to spend a holiday with me, it was nice. But she was ill, so couldn't do the things we wanted to do. But we still had a nice time together. But some part of me always felt i had to do things on her terms, instead of it being equal. When she went back home, i can't remember what sparked it off but i saw something in her which i was aware of, and i thought there is a situation here where there is space for us to get more emotionally closer. So i tried it, and sent her texts or letters, explaining or showing a deeper want for a deeper connection with her. But her response was not what i wanted. She basically put up a wall she didn't say but i felt she didn't want to go there. Which i was surprised at as i felt it in her that was capable of going there. But i got the impression she wasn't interested. I forget exactly what happened or what was said. But it did hurt me, her reaction. I sent letters to her, explaining why i was doing what i was doing, but i never got a reply back. I felt she totally cut me off, and i didn't hear from her in ages, months. I heard nothing from her on Christmas day, i think i sent her a Christmas card, but i got no reply or no card back. No birthday card from her either. It was like that for a year afterwards, i left it months, then would either text her, asking how she is, or write another letter. Asking her to reply back, and tell me how she is, but i heard nothing. Then my sister was going over to spend 2 weeks with our birth mother, this was summer 2016. I had been briefly in contact with our birth mother, and it was okay for me to go over as well. But i was aware that the situation still wasn't great between me and birth mother. So i had planned to hire a car and travel while i was there and go see some lovely nature reserves, as i am big on wildlife. Anyway it didn't go well while i was there. She never made an effort to interact with me. I found she rather have fun and chat with my blood sister’s husband. I did feel left out and ignored. I found out again, when i was able to talk with my birth mother, she either talked over me, she wasn't listening to what i was talking about, and she never asked me anything. She took over the conversation and it appeared she wasn't interested to hear me communicate with her. It upset me. I tried other days, but i got the same response. In the end i gave up and i just went quiet i didn't say anything to her, or want to be around her. The day i went back home, me my sister and our birth mother went for a walk around the roads of the town. Birth mother finally cottoned on i wasn't talking with her that i was just keeping quiet and out of her way. She got upset by that. And the last hour before i went she made it clear she was upset. And when it came to say goodbye, she wouldn't even get up or even say goodbye. After a few months i tried writing to her again. And explaining to her why i went quiet on her. That she doesn't listen when people are talking, not just to me, that she talks over people, and she never asks how people are and genuinely interested to hear there answer. The who time i was the time i was there she never once asked me how i was or ask me what was going in my life. I've been reading articles about Narcissistic mothers; she does fit the bill abit. I later sent her a letter explaining about why i went quiet but also told her what she is like, and that she needs to work on her social skills. Said in a loving supportive way. I told her all the lovely things i love about her, but i had to tell her and challenge her about her social skills. I had brought this up before with her, because she was like it before and she had told me other people had said that to her, that she doesn't listen when other people talk, and the talking over people. So when i brought it up this time, i didn't expect the same response. She took real offence to me making a point of my experience with her and her visible lack of social skills. Months later after me asking her to reply to my letter, she sent me a text saying she only read a bit of the letter and threw it in the bin without finishing reading it. It was only part of the letter which i challenged and brought up the way she is in social situations or at least around me. The rest of the letter i was saying how great she is, and that i want her to understand me, and i want to understand her, so we can have a closer relationship.I sent her a text on Christmas day and sent her a card, she sent me nothing. I was surprised and i got a text back from her after New Year, after i'd sent her a text. She seemed happy to hear from me, as long as i don't rock the boat and don't put a foot out of line, is how it feels, she is okay with. She started telling me what i lovely daughter i am. But then as soon as i start talking about other stuff which i wanted to bring up, she changed her tune instantly. Then she said that she never wants to hear from me again. And not to write me anymore letters, as she will only put them in the bin. I sat back and thought, wow. In a blink of an eye, she changed. From one second i'm a lovely daughter, to next second, i never want to hear from you again. I didn't take it personally, i thought god what is going on in your head for you to react that way towards me. I later thought where is the unconditional love. But i also thought if she behaved that way, she must not be able to think clearly as to how her behaviour is sounded and how it could affect me, otherwise she wouldn't have said it. So that is where it has stayed it was Jan this year 2017 when i last heard from her. I told dad i don't want to be bitter about this. I love her. I will still send her birthday cards it won't stop me from showing my love to her. She is 22 years older than me, she is 69. I try and put my current relationship with her to the back of my mind, as i feel there is nothing else i can do at this moment. That i won't write her any more letters, or send her anymore texts. That it will be up to her now if she wants to communicate with me again. But sometimes i rethink of what happened. I did tell her on one of the letters, 'don't you miss me, and what we had together?' But i received no reply. I don't know even if she read it. It is painful thinking about where me and her are now, and how i wish she would come out of denial, face her fears. Instead of denying them. Because it is affecting our current relationship, i miss her. And i know she told me she thinks i think she is a bad mother. I said, i didn't say that. My inner child feels like she has abandoned me. Adult self feels and wonders if she thinks we are not on the same page. That i act differently, i behave differently than her. I wonder if she thinks i am trying to change her. Which i can see why she would think that, in sight of me suggesting she needs to improve her social skills and self awareness. Although i didn't mention about her self awareness, only her social skills. I said it as i wanted us to get past it and move on. But we are stuck here, 2 years since i told her i wanted to get closer with her as i felt it in her that she was able to go there. But no, shutters up, blinds drawn, she isn't going there. And any suggestion or self awareness by me bringing up her lack of social skills, and maybe something for her to work on. Doors close on that too. I feel is closing doors around her. And i've been knocking to try and get in. Daughter wants her mother back, daughter wants a healthy, loving relationship with her mother. Daughter misses her mother. Why don't you talk with me, why are you doing this? Why can't you see what you're doing?My birth mum did say years ago, that i was the person who showed her how to love. Her Irish parents were too busy on the farm to show any physical love or say love. But she knew her parents loved her and my mother’s siblings. It was lovely to be able to see that change in her, i wasn't looking to, she just told he that i had helped her achieve that for herself. That now she could show love to her son, who one of the boys who she kept and didn't put up for adoption. But with that in hindsight, it is no excuse i believe for her to play ignorant when it comes to the state of our relationship. If she knows she has a problem, with facing some of her fears, anxieties but is unwilling to help herself get out of the fear, so she can feel more liberated and whole as a person.Why doesn't she do it. I feel until she feels ready to want to change, things won't change between me and her. And she may not ever want to change enough or reach clarity to say' i do miss Becky and i want us to be loving mother and daughter again, but maybe i do need to change or get help in order to face my fears and get over this problem i have which may have destroyed my relationship with my daughter. 'This is the only place, on an adoption adoptee forum where i can bring this up with any possibility of anyone who can resonate with any part of what i've said, or the situation which i'm in with my birth mum. Love Becky.