Several parental issues after adoption from foster care

First, congratulations on completing your adoption and good luck on all the ups and downs that will present themselves through the years. Parenting--and maybe especially parenting kids from hard places--puts incredible stress on relationships. To the extent that you can, try to empathize with your wife. Developing anxiety is extremely upsetting and actually leads to more anxiety. She will need lots of patience and love to get through it. Your daughter needs to see you two as a united front. If you need to have discussions in private after-the-fact about interactions with your daughter that could have gone better, that's certainly ok. But if you let your daughter see that, she will use it against you and your wife. That's a survival tactic and is understandable that your daughter will use it, but it won't be good for your wife, your family, or even your daughter. I know it can feel like every parenting mistake your spouse makes needs to be corrected. I feel like that all the time with my spouse. But really your wife is doing the best she can, just as you are. I recently read a book that I wish I had read sooner. I thought it was going to be about how to deal with my narcissistic mother, but then I realized it's really more a book of how to set and hold healthy boundaries. It sounds like your wife might be struggling with that, much like I did in the first couple of years with my daughter. It's called "Children of the Self-Absorbed: A Grown-Up's Guide to Getting Over Narcissistic Parents." Probably anyone could benefit from it, even if you don't think you had narcissistic parents. All the best to you and your family.