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I just signed consent papers for my 10 day old baby boy to be adopted four days ago (I took him home with me for 10 days) and I am really struggling. I want him back so badly and knowing that every day that passes, he's getting bigger and growing without me is awful. I chose the adoptive parents through an agency and the agency has been supportive for the most part and the adoptive parents are great people. The adoptive mom texts me photos of him almost daily which I love, but it's really hard to see him in their home when I miss him so much. The agency recommended we don't do a visit for at least a month. I felt pressured into the adoption by my ex, the birth father, who wanted no part in raising him or supporting me. I didn't have family to rely on for much help, so I felt it was the only option. Since, I've learned of a program that would've greatly helped me and now I can't stop with the "what ifs". I feel like a part of me is missing and I don't know how to cope. The adoptive parents are so happy and I don't want to be a downer for them, but I don't think they realize what I've given up. Indiana (my state) is mostly irrevocable once the consent papers have been signed to my knowledge, so I can't do anything to get him back. I just need some advice or to know it gets better. I feel like I'm going to drift away from my son. I feel like I'm going to be a stranger to him as he grows up.
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Hi Amber, Know that you are not alone. I have walked in your shoes. I placed my baby girl in October of 2015, and it was the hardest thing I have ever done. Your grief is natural and normal. So is the regret. It's okay to feel the way that you feel. I felt the exact same way for awhile. But please know that it really does get better. It's been two years since I placed, and I can honestly tell you that I'm really happy. The grief never disappears, but it changes. It comes in stages, and lately I've been finding myself in longer and longer stages of acceptance and peace. I do miss her. But she's thriving and happy, and the what-it's don't matter so much anymore because I know she's alright where she's at. There have been times where I've missed her so much and felt like a stranger to her, but there have also been times where I've felt closer to her than anyone. Earlier this week I was visiting her and she was so worried about my chapped lips, so she kissed them all better. Those moments make all the grief and regret and fear worth it. Will the adoptive parents ever really understand your loss? Probably not. No matter how great they are, they haven't walked your path. But you learn to manage that. I love my birth daughter's adoptive parents, and we're good friends now. It hasn't always been easy, but it's been getting better and better. If you feel like you need a visit, you can ask. It doesn't matter what the agency says, they don't own you. I visited my birth daughter earlier than a month and it helped me a lot. But if you don't think it will, or the pictures are too hard, that's okay too. Don't be afraid to ask for what you need. If you ever need someone to talk to, or if you're interested in facebook groups or other online support groups, I am more than happy to connect with you. I would also recommend reaching out to your agency and finding out whether they offer post placement therapy. My heart is with you, I ache for you because I understand your loss. You don't have to do this alone.
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P.S. The revocation period in Indiana is 30 days from the date of signing. You can revoke consent for any reason. Please keep in mind that the adopters may be sad for awhile, but they can replace your son with another baby. You and your son, however, can never replace each other with anyone else. Mother and child have a sacred bond that shouldn't be severed and can't be replaced. You can do this and we are here to help.