Found half sister with DNA testing

Hi, I'm new here. I needed a place to talk about how this all feels with people who may understand.... I found a half sister on a DNA testing site this past Sunday! While that is exciting, I still feel too nervous to hit the contact button for her. If she has even seen it yet, I don't know how she will react. I possibly could be the result of an affair, as she is three years older. :-/ It might be a huge shock for her to find a half sister she didn't know existed! Being that I'm an adoptee, and went into the DNA testing thing looking for unknown connections, it isn't as shocking for me to find her. I was hoping to find a closer connection than 2nd and more distant cousins. Now there she is, and I can't yet bring myself to say hello. I found my birth mother through an adoption detective of sorts in 1996, and she was less than thrilled to be found. She sent one letter with a pic, and a little family background(hers, and mostly vague). She felt ashamed to have gotten pregnant with me, and I was a secret. She hid her pregnancy from her family, and went out of province to have me on the pretence of getting a job. She only told her future husband about me. She did not want to meet, or even have a phone conversation. I wrote to her again a few months after the first correspondence to ask a bit about my bio father(she had told me to "write again if I ever wanted to know more"), but she ignored it. So, I let it go, and got on with having my own life and family. I got a DNA kit this past Christmas, and thought , why not? My adoptive parents have both passed away within the last 4 years, and I am estranged from my nasty adoptive brother. Since I did the first one, only finding second and more distant cousins, I've done two more kits, finding my half sister with the second one, and still awaiting results of the third one. I'm pretty sure she is connected through my bio father, given her location. Funnily enough, I'm not as interested in connecting with him(if he is still alive), as I am connecting with siblings. Not that it wouldn't be interesting, I just don't really want to feel like someone's "dirty little secret" all over again. :-/

Hi Winona,I see this is a few weeks old. Have you reached out? Has she reached out to you?I am in a similar position right now and am trying to figure out what to do. I have reunited with my mom and my half brothers, and it has gone way better than I could have expected.My father is another story. He had no idea I was ever born. He has two kids, and I have not reached out to them. I am in touch with his sister (my aunt), and she is fantastic.I, like you, am very curious to find out more about my siblings. One of my brothers on my mom's side and I have really connected, and I wonder about my other two siblings. As far as I know, they have no idea I exist. I decided to give my father time to wrap his head around the fact that he has a forty year old daughter he never knew about. That sort of information has to be unnerving, don't you think? He is married and has two grown kids and grandkids and he never had a clue about me.Personally, I do think I will reach out to my siblings at some point, but I really wanted to give their dad (my bio dad) the opportunity to tell them himself. I have no idea what his relationship is like with them and the last thing I want to do is tear a family apart.I would love to hear a little more about your journey. Maybe we can help each other.Marissamarissa@findmyfam.com

Hi Marissa,She has not reached out yet, no. I'm still not sure she knows I exist. Although we popped up as a match at another DNA site( I took 3). The first one I found her on...it is impossible to tell if she has even visited it in the last year(since she joined it), and my profile has not been visited by anyone but me. On the second one, it lists her as being there yesterday, although I have no way of knowing if she even looks at her DNA matches, or just does a tree? That site doesn't tell you who visits your profile. It is a bit maddening, because I just don't know what she will think. If it will be devastating to her, or whatever. I don't even know if she might be adopted herself, and maybe our father is just some random guy neither of us knows. She lists her mother on her tree, and she died a few years ago. And her mothers parentage, but does not extend her dad's family tree. At least if I'm the product of an affair he had, that can't hurt her mom anymore. Still...could be painful for her to find that out, even if he is alive or dead. I have no idea if she has other siblings, as she only lists herself in her tree. I did a draft letter, and it is just sitting on my computer, waiting for me to have the guts to send it.It is really exciting that you have found your mom and brothers! If you are in touch with your bio father's sister, does she have any insight on how he might be feeling about it? Maybe she can act as a liaison.Personally, I think adult children have a right to know if they have another sibling out there. They are old enough to deal with it...and it is a different time now, after all, then when we were conceived. People are more accepting, I think. Sometimes, though, especially if their mother is still alive, and he possible had an affair on her, I have read they can get really protective, and not want anything to do with the unknown sibling in order to spare their mother's feelings.I wrote in my draft letter to my sister, that I would understand and respect it, if she didn't want any contact with me, but also that I felt compelled to reach out, so I didn't get old and regret not at least trying. Especially after wondering my whole life what my roots were. I also asked her to reply one way or another, so I wasn't left hanging...wondering if she even read the message. Still...it sits there, and I'm still too chicken to send it!I hope all works out with your father. I think giving him a little time is good. It would be unnerving. I'm still waiting on my birth records to come...to find out maybe if he even knew about me. Although my birth mother could just have lied on the entire document, being as ashamed as she says she was. :-/ In my case, by finding my sister with the DNA test, it is she who would know about me before he did(if he doesn't know....and if he is our shared father...which I still don't know either). I'm giving her a little time to talk with him about it. But like I said...I still don't really know if she even is aware. *sigh*Anyway, good luck, and I hope it all works out with you! I would be interested to know.~Winona

Hi Winona,I get it. I really do. I was terrified to write to my birth mother that first time. I had no idea if she would be happy to hear from me or if I would cause problems. It took a huge leap of faith to mail that letter.I feel like if she is taking multiple DNA tests, she is searching too. She may be sitting there with an unsent letter just like you are. Or she may be trying to figure out how the heck you are related before she reaches out. Never know unless you ask. Your letter is so personal so only you know what you should say, but I would include something like "Based on our DNA results it looks like we are very closely related. I would really like to figure out how and hope you are open to that."I have written my father a couple times. At this point I don't think I even want a relationship with him. I also ask for a response so I will know he received my message, and he doesn't give me that courtesy. I waited about four months before I reached out to his sister, to give him time. I know from her that he received my letters and he doesn't seem to want to talk about it. If he didn't have kids, I would give up I think, but, like you, I do think they have a right to know about me. My (birth) mom actually had a half brother she never got to know, and I found his family through the DNA test I took. (Unknown siblings sure can make searches complicated.) Unfortunately, he had already passed away so she never got to know him. She is disappointed in that and really thinks my half siblings should know about me so they can decide whether they want to get to know me.I requested my birth records from the State of New York last July, and received a letter saying social services would send them but it could take months. I still don't have them and now I have found everyone. I did have a copy of a non-identifying letter I was given at the time of my adoption though. I can tell you that every bit of the description of my father was false, except that he was tall.Good luck to you. I can't wait to hear about how it goes. Reach out any time.Marissamarissa@findmyfam.com

Hi again Marissa,Well, I try to reconcile being scared to do it, with regret if I don't at least try. I'm not getting any younger, after all! I don't regret, for instance, finding my birth mother, even though it didn't go particularly well, and we are still strangers... because at least that was a mystery solved. Plus I got to know a little more about myself, and where I came from. I wonder what she thinks of this DNA business? haha Probably not too thrilled, I imagine!Anyway, I have that letter tweaked until I can tweak it no more. I figure if she ignores me, I'm no worse off than I am now, and I still know she exists even if she doesn't want anything to do with me. That was more than I ever knew before. We also have a common match at one of the sites that says he is a first cousin, but given our ages(we are three years apart and in our 50s), and he being listed as 30, or younger, there is little chance he can be that. I suppose it's not impossible, though. I noticed they are not on a common tree, so he is another mystery, maybe to her as well. Could be a nephew we have in common? He hasn't visited the DNA site in more than a month, so doesn't know about me, anyway, since my results showed up after his last reported visit there. She, however, was there yesterday, and has been so every couple of days. She has to have seen the results by now. Maybe she is like me, and scared to be the first one to contact! Being half- sisters, if she is anything like me, that may be likely! lol Anyway, I have it ready, and today might be the day! I think I might have to go throw up afterwards, but oh well! hahaIt think it is really sad that your father won't at least acknowledge your attempts at contact. Kind of unfair really. He made you, after all, whether he intended to or not doesn't matter. At least say he isn't interested. Ignoring you is rude, and inconsiderate, IMO. At least you know through your aunt that he has seen the letters, so you aren't left wondering if he even got them. His loss. I have no interest, really, in getting to know my birth father. If it happens that we make contact, great... if not, whatever. My search was never about him, anyway. I loved my adoptive dad and mom very much, and they were the only parents I needed. They are both gone now, and I still feel no pull to know my bio parents. Siblings, though, are a different story. My adoptive brother is a nasty, narcissistic, toxic person, and I don't consider him family anymore at all. I have nothing to do with him. I'm very relieved we are not blood related! So, that is what I feel I am lacking, and have for more than 35 years... is a good friendship with a sibling. I'm still waiting on my birth records too. They sent me an acknowledgment that they received my request, but that was nearly 2 months ago. Backlogged maybe. It wouldn't surprise me if the info about my father is false as well. If she was so ashamed enough that I was going to be her "dirty little secret" she took to her grave, I'm highly doubtful she would be honest on the adoption record regarding him. She told me in her letter that she didn't know much about him...just his height. Wow. ok. Not even hair color? Occupation? Personality? Age? First name? Hardly likely. I keep wondering if she didn't lie to me, as well, about not having anymore children after me. I guess I may never know...unless I get a surprise DNA match someday. That would make her day, I'm sure. :-/Anyway, thanks for chatting with me about it all. It is nice to have someone to talk to about it, who understands what it is like.~ Winona

Hi Winona,Get that letter in the mail then if it's snail mail you are using! I'm glad to hear you don't regret reaching out to your mom. I do think, generally, that is better than just always wondering. Sorry she wasn't happy to hear from you. I would assume she had a very hard time with it and I'm glad it sounds like you aren't taking it personally. Also- good for you for taking another chance with your half sister. It is a brave thing to do.I'm developing what I think is a good friendship with one of my siblings, but it is taking time. I was a complete surprise to them, too. So if your sister is slow to warm up, please try to be patient. It's hard, when I have wondered about them my entire life, and now know that they were NOT wondering about me. I just appeared out of no where to them.So- yes, I am disappointed that my father won't even acknowledge me but because my hope is to be able to get to know his kids, I am trying to be patient also. He is their dad so if I want to know them, I feel like I need to be careful to be respectful toward him. In the meantime, I've really connected with his sister and her son, I feel like they are people I was meant to have in my life.Anyway, that's just where I am right now, waiting. And still getting to know my mom's side of the family. It is weird after forty years to all of a sudden have an entire new family.I really want to hear how your story plays out, please keep in touch.Marissamarissa@findmyfam.com