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I’ve been reunited with my birth family for a little over 2 years. I have met everyone and for the most part feel like they’ve accepted me back into their family. I’ve had really great moments and really difficult ones as well. Some of the difficulties were external relationship conflicts, but most have been internal conflicts that I don’t seem to know how to combat.
My adoptive family didn’t handle the news of my reunion well, and launched a full fledged adoptee guilt trip on me about it. They felt threatened and began to act very possessive of me. They clearly didn’t want to share and my forcing them to share has only caused distance between them and I. As a kid, I always stuck out in my adoptive family. I was adopted, no question about it. This extended to physical traits, social interactions and mental process as well. Esentially, I was as many adoptees feel, the black sheep of the group.
When I met my biological family (Mom, 2 half brothers and a half sister, plus extended) it was interesting to see my personality was clearly genetic. I clicked with them instantly and things seemed to be going really well. This caused more tension between myself and my adoptive family, to the point where I now feel like I have been excommunicated from that family. I really only have contact now with my adoptive mother, and even that seems strained.
This honestly doesn’t bother me that much. But although my adoptive family feels like I’ve ditched them for a new family, I actually feel Like I’m stuck in between. Although my biological family has been mostly good and kind to me, I still feel like an outsider at times. Obviously I missed the last 27 years and don’t have the same memories. But I also feel that all this adoption stuff, keeps me from actually being a full on citizen of this (new) family. My sister in particular is stand offish and seems to mostly just tolerate my presence more than anything else. This lack of interest from her, has also caused strain between myself and my biological mother, who clearly favors her only daughter. All of that makes it more difficult for me to be fully invited into the group.
This entire situation has got me feeling a lack of love from both sides. I’m currently bummed and regretting my choice of reunion. I wanted to build my family and make it bigger and better. I now feel like I’m building a house of cards, ready to fall at any moment.
I don't have any real advice for you Jim as relationships are all unique and just HARD. Thank you for sharing your story. I was dreading telling my adopted family that I had found my birth family, and it has indeed been very awkward with them ever since. I am earlier in the reunion process than you are but have similar feelings- that I'm not fully a member of either family. Hang in there and I will be thinking of you.
Marissa
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Reunion is certainly not as easy as I’d hoped. Thank you marissa for the well wishes and good luck with your journey as well.