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I’d love some advice on naming our second adopted daughter. Our first daughter came to us at 4 years old and we kept her name as it was. She’s 8 now and we are about to welcome a second daughter through a different bio family into our home. We will bring this baby girl home straight from the hospital and will be able to choose her first name with the birthparents choosing her middle names. We have a few names picked out, but one of the options is my own middle name, which coincides with our new daughter’s birth month. It has a lot of meaning and would be special to me, but I’m worried that it is “too“ meaningful, and could potentially make my older daughter feel left out or sad. What if my new daughter and I are naturally closer, and our name connection is like vinegar in the wound to my older daughter? What if my new daughter resents me for naming her after me and creating a division between her and her sister? Or our relationship isn’t close and she feels annoyed that we share the same name? The truth is that they were two very different situations, and I am delighted at the thought of naming one of my children, and something close to my heart to boot. But I don’t want to do it at the expense of the security, attachment and feelings of my other children (we have 4 boys as well - one we got to name and the name was just a favourite, no special meaning attached other than it was the one we’d liked since starting our parenting journey). Thank you for your experience and advice! Sarah
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Hi,I wanted to share my experience being adopted. I hope it can help you. I was adopted at age 9. I did not want to be adopted. It was very scary and confusing for me, but my biological family could not care for me anymore. It was what everyone felt was best for me at the time. I was adopted by a couple nearly 20 years older than my own parents. They could not have their own children together, as they married late and were past the "ideal" fertility window. My adoptive dad had two daughters from previous marriages. There were problems with special treatment towards those children that affected me deeply as a child.The older girl was 15 or 16 at the time I came to live there, and she lived several hours away with her mother. It was rare to see her. She came to visit maybe once a year. My presence was not welcome to her either. The first time she came to visit, she barely acknowledged me. It was clear she was jealous of me being there when she didn't get to. She probably didn't realize that I didn't want to be there either. She and my other adoptive sister ran off upstairs to the younger girls room (she was 10), and sat on her bed, giggling and talking. When I came up to join in, they acted like I wasn't there or wasn't welcome and I very awkardly felt that sentiment. It was crushing to be in a place I neither wanted to be, nor felt accepted or welcomed in. Even though I included her as a sister when people asked how many siblings I had over the years, we were never close and really never talked. We could better be described as strangers on the street, even now.The girl who was about my age came over on visitation every week and was given back rubs before bed by my mom and read bedtime stories by my dad. If I asked for a back rub, I was usually denied with an "I'm too tired." It was obvious my mom didn't "feel" like putting in the effort to rub my back too. I felt too awkard and uncomfortable asking to be read bedtime stories by my dad. Another girl, a couple years younger than me, also stayed with us often, and became like another adopted child. She too, would get back rubs like my other sister, and I would not, whether I asked or not. Eventually, I stopped asking because I felt like a burden and that I was inconveniencing my adoptive mom. This caused some obvious issues with my self-esteem, and my perception of how they felt about me. It also put some inappropriate stress on me as a child, to feel a need to be so much more aware of my mom's needs than my own. No child should have to prioritize their parents needs or feelings above their own. It's a parents job to meet a child's needs, not the other way around.I'd also like to add that I was the baby in my biological family. I was very much adored and showered with love and affection by my dad. My mom also used to rub my back to bed and tell me stories. All this stopped when I was seperated from my parents, and I felt like the red headed step child when I went to live in a home where other kids were treated differently, and my emotional needs were ignored.Children will remember their lives before adoption if they are old enough. If they aren't treated equally to other kids in the adoptive home, this will be noticed and felt.In addition, my mom also was emotional about wanting her own biological child, and never physically being able to do so. She talked about this sometimes, and I was aware of it being a struggle for her from the time I was still a young kid. That can make an adopted child feel inadequate or less valued than a biological or other child. If you name a new child after you, I think a child could potentially feel inadequate from this. For my mom, adopting just didn't fill that hole in her heart that she felt a biological child/child from herself could fill. I don't think she was prepared to deal with the fact that I turned out nothing like her, and didn't want to be the person she wanted me to be. I can't say I how much that by itself affected me, because by that point my mom had done so many other emotionally damaging things, that I was kind of numb to it and emotionally distant, even at 10 years old. I struggled with major depression as a teen and young adult because of very low self esteem and never being able to form secure attachments or have trust in a caretaker. I've gone to years of therapy without being able to resolve the issues and now no longer talk to my adoptive parents or siblings.I'm telling you all this, because in my case, special treatment of other children in the house caused me serious emotional harm. My mom felt justified because the other children weren't there every day like me, and I guess was trying to make their visits more postive for them, but my emotional needs ending up being neglected and honestly ignored.No matter what your reason for doing something a certain way for one child, the reality is that there will always be a risk that the other child will be harmed by the different treatment. It seems you have good intentions and want all your kids to feel loved and valued. I would not name another child after me or another parent if another child was already in the home, though, just based on what I've been through. I think it depends a lot on the individual situation, how it will affect the child - but for me, I would not take the risk. You can always pick another name that is very meaningful to you as well. I love looking into the meaning of names and choosing ones that have a special meaning.Adoption is hard for everyone, parents and kids, even with the benefits. As long as you're honest, and attentive to all childrens needs and emotional health, I think it will be good. Be observant of how your kids feel about the dynamic of the familiy members in the house. If they know you care about them emotionally, that will help them when difficult situations arise or they need to sort their feelings about it. I hope this is helpful in some way
Last update on June 13, 9:21 pm by Purple Monkey.
Hi,I wanted to share my experience being adopted. I hope it can help you. I was adopted at age 9. I did not want to be adopted. It was very scary and confusing for me, but my biological family could not care for me anymore. It was what everyone felt was best for me at the time. I was adopted by a couple nearly 20 years older than my own parents. They could not have their own children together, as they married late and were past the "ideal" fertility window. My adoptive dad had two daughters from previous marriages. There were problems with special treatment towards those children that affected me deeply as a child.The older girl was 15 or 16 at the time I came to live there, and she lived several hours away with her mother. It was rare to see her. She came to visit maybe once a year. My presence was not welcome to her either. The first time she came to visit, she barely acknowledged me. It was clear she was jealous of me being there when she didn't get to. She probably didn't realize that I didn't want to be there either. She and my other adoptive sister ran off upstairs to the younger girls room (she was 10), and sat on her bed, giggling and talking. When I came up to join in, they acted like I wasn't there or wasn't welcome and I very awkardly felt that sentiment. It was crushing to be in a place I neither wanted to be, nor felt accepted or welcomed in. Even though I included her as a sister when people asked how many siblings I had over the years, we were never close and really never talked. We could better be described as strangers on the street, even now.The girl who was about my age came over on visitation every week and was given back rubs before bed by my mom and read bedtime stories by my dad. If I asked for a back rub, I was usually denied with an "I'm too tired." It was obvious my mom didn't "feel" like putting in the effort to rub my back too. I felt too awkard and uncomfortable asking to be read bedtime stories by my dad. Another girl, a couple years younger than me, also stayed with us often, and became like another adopted child. She too, would get back rubs like my other sister, and I would not, whether I asked or not. Eventually, I stopped asking because I felt like a burden and that I was inconveniencing my adoptive mom. This caused some obvious issues with my self-esteem, and my perception of how they felt about me. It also put some inappropriate stress on me as a child, to feel a need to be so much more aware of my mom's needs than my own. No child should have to prioritize their parents needs or feelings above their own. It's a parents job to meet a child's needs, not the other way around.I'd also like to add that I was the baby in my biological family. I was very much adored and showered with love and affection by my dad. My mom also used to rub my back to bed and tell me stories. All this stopped when I was seperated from my parents, and I felt like the red headed step child when I went to live in a home where other kids were treated differently, and my emotional needs were ignored.Children will remember their lives before adoption if they are old enough. If they aren't treated equally to other kids in the adoptive home, this will be noticed and felt.In addition, my mom also was emotional about wanting her own biological child, and never physically being able to do so. She talked about this sometimes, and I was aware of it being a struggle for her from the time I was still a young kid. That can make an adopted child feel inadequate or less valued than a biological or other child. If you name a new child after you, I think a child could potentially feel inadequate from this. For my mom, adopting just didn't fill that hole in her heart that she felt a biological child/child from herself could fill. I don't think she was prepared to deal with the fact that I turned out nothing like her, and didn't want to be the person she wanted me to be. I can't say I how much that by itself affected me, because by that point my mom had done so many other emotionally damaging things, that I was kind of numb to it and emotionally distant, even at 10 years old. I struggled with major depression as a teen and young adult because of very low self esteem and never being able to form secure attachments or have trust in a caretaker. I've gone to years of therapy without being able to resolve the issues and now no longer talk to my adoptive parents or siblings.I'm telling you all this, because in my case, special treatment of other children in the house caused me serious emotional harm. My mom felt justified because the other children weren't there every day like me, and I guess was trying to make their visits more postive for them, but my emotional needs ending up being neglected and honestly ignored.No matter what your reason for doing something a certain way for one child, the reality is that there will always be a risk that the other child will be harmed by the different treatment. It seems you have good intentions and want all your kids to feel loved and valued. I would not name another child after me or another parent if another child was already in the home, though, just based on what I've been through. I think it depends a lot on the individual situation, how it will affect the child - but for me, I would not take the risk. You can always pick another name that is very meaningful to you as well. I love looking into the meaning of names and choosing ones that have a special meaning.Adoption is hard for everyone, parents and kids, even with the benefits. As long as you're honest, and attentive to all childrens needs and emotional health, I think it will be good. Be observant of how your kids feel about the dynamic of the familiy members in the house. If they know you care about them emotionally, that will help them when difficult situations arise or they need to sort their feelings about it. I hope this is helpful in some way