I need advice regarding a long-ago private adoption. Short version: A young man (28 - I've talked to him) was placed for adoption as an infant by extremely young parents (13/14). The adoption agency has not provided any information in response to his requests, but he stumbled on his birth father's family via one of those DNA websites. The birth father (whom I know best in this situation) has spoken to him, but it's unclear if he wants to continue any contact. The birth father was not helpful in finding the birth mother, and is currently unwilling to talk to anyone about any of this.
Here's my question: I have a probable address and phone number for the birth mother but I don't know what I should do with it. Should I contact her myself and ask her if she's open to connecting with her bio son? Or should I just pass it on to the son and let him make the choice? Or something else? Thanks in advance for any advice you can give me.
As an adoptee myself, I can appreciate your concern and wanting to help your friend. You are a kind person.
However, this is a delicate matter and sometimes we need to take the steps ourselves as part of the healing process.
You should provide him with the information and assure him that you want to help but realize that this is information that he needs to decide what to do with. He may struggle, he may contact her right away, he may keep the information tucked away for years, he may not ever attempt to contact her, but he will have it and the decision will be his. In my case, as an adult I was contacted by my bio sister this was 15 years ago. I knew exactly where my mom was, I knew she was ok, and I knew that she indeed loved me, there were circumstances that were beyond her control and she could not parent me. That was enough for me, I never met her face to face but it was enough for me. I hope this helps you decide what to do with that.
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Wow, how awesome that you were able to find some answers for him! Unless he has specifically asked you to track her down and contact her, please just give your friend the information. You never know how she will react. I am an adoptee also and reunited with my family through DNA, and knew that when I reached out to them, there was a possibility it would be my only chance to interact with them. Adoption and reunion is such a personal, emotional thing, please don't put yourself in the middle. Let your friend decide the if, how and when to make contact.
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