Estranged from adoptive parents

Hi I'm new here. I'm hoping this can be a place where I find some validation and feedback from others who can relate to my situation. I was adopted at 9 years old. I have never had a good relationship with my adoptive parents. It all has to do with how they treated me as a kid. The reason I decided to post is because it's almost father's day, and I'm dreading it. I'll be honest; I hate mother's day and father's day. It's always felt so sad and obligatory. I've never felt love for my adoptive parents, but I do feel bad about hurting feelings. I never connected with them in a meaningful way. Usually, I send a message saying "Happy mothers/fathers day". But this year is different. I did not message my adoptive mom anything on mothers day this year. I did not call. This is the first time I ever DIDN'T acknowledge mothers day. I have a really good reason. I became seriously ill a year ago, which they wrote off as depression and expressed no concern for. I explained what was happening with my health, that it was serious, and even lost a lot of weight (I already didn't weigh much). When my mom saw me on a visit over a year ago, she said the weight loss looked "good on me", even though it was a negative thing for my health. She intentionally dismissed my illness as depression because I had a lot of depression problems in high school I guess. My dad blew it off too. I was told by them I needed to see a therapist. I ended up going through a year of medical treatment and lots of doctors appointments for the illness, totally without support from anyone except my partner, who is the only person who has loyally stuck by my side. I feel utterly betrayed and abandoned. At a total loss for how my adoptive parents could allow me to feel so alone and deal with a serious illness without any recognition of it at all. They really alientated me and further solidified my distrust and disconnection of them. I'll never be able to forget the abandonment. I feel numb/in disbelief towards them. I even have labs and extensive medical records showing my illness is real, but they still don't care to acknowledge it. I also found out the depression I had in high school was strongly linked to another health issue that I just found out I have recently. I never feel comfortable being myself around my parents at all. Now them blowing off my illness was the last straw. I really have no reason to want a relationship with them at all anymore. I mean, how do you come back from leaving someone at their worst moment really? I just know now that they're not really there for me emotionally, and apparently not even when I'm ill either. So why do I feel so bad and GUILTY about not saying anything on mothers day/fathers day. Why do I feel anxious and worried they'll be upset? Why do I care so much about their feelings or reactions? I don't feel a bond with them. I just feel anxiety. Thanks for reading

Could it be that as an adopted person you've been taught that you should be grateful for being taken in despite how badly they've treated you? Or, even though you already feel abandoned, that you're worried that they'll actually disown you and actually will abandon you altogether?

I think there may be an element of that. They've kind of already done something like disowning me too, but not exactly. When I called them with the diagnosis from my doctor, they again blew me off, saying I was depressed and needed to see a therapist.They also found out that my partner had moved in with me at the same time, which angered my mom, and my dad always sides with her. After hearing about my illness and him living with me she told me not to call them anymore. However, she has called/texted a few times in the past year, acting friendly and like nothing has happened. When she asked how I was, I was honest and said I was still having a lot of health issues, hoping if she was asking how I was, she would at least acknowlege the illness that time. Unfortunately, what she wanted to hear was a generic, "I'm good", which I wasn't going to be fake and do, when I was really sick still. Her response was somewhere along the lines of "Oh that's nice. Hope your health improves." She was very unconcerned and responded as if I was kid trying to get attention or doing something annoying. Unfortunately, I've been seriously ill during that time, and her wanting to act like nothing is going on with me is extremely upsetting. My mom is very conservative and traditional. She believed I should have "courted" under supervision, had a man ask them if he could marry me, don't have sex before marriage, and have a traditional marriage and wear her wedding dress. Anything other than that is sinful to her. I don't believe in marriage in the sense that she does and my sex life is none of her business, but she doesn't understand any of that. She ended up telling me I was disrespecting my whole family by living with him, and had the nerve to ask if we were having sex, like she had a right to know! Just for the record, I had already been through college and lived on my own for five years at the time she asked me that. My parents were not/are not supporting me financially in any way either. It seems my mom officially wrote me off once they knew we were living together. I'm lucky he was living with me though, because literally no one, including my parents, cared I was sick or offered to help. Financially and emotionally we've gone through this alone for the most part.My mom, not approving of my partner because he does not have a diploma or degree/career, and the fact we live together, told me that my partner (of 3 years) is not welcome to attend family gatherings or come to their house. There's no way I could get to a family event without him anyways, because my illness prevents me from being able to drive. Months later my dad called and said he could come to family events now. I know my mom does not support that, but I guess they figured they'd never see me again if not. I won't go anyway, because my mom would make it so uncomfortable and unwelcoming for everyone that no one would enjoy it.My partner's upbringing was just as bad, if not worse than mine, so he was truly at a disadvantage as far as his education and career. He was abused continuously for years as a child, had an absent mom, and his dad kicked him out of the house at 16 at the demands of his stepmom. He was homeless and stayed with friends all the time. Tried to go to school more but ended up dropping out and working. He was definitely a troubled kid, but it was because of the abuse and the fact that no one was doing anything about it. But my parents know nothing about this stuff, because they only care about him having an education or not. The only thing that matters to me is he is always here for me when no one else has supported me. He is starting to accomplish a lot more in his life now that he has love, support, and more stability. I wish my parents would have seen that and accepted him and so much stress would have been prevented.Somehow my mom's personal values have been prioritized over my wellbeing, and that's worth risking my life and emotional health in her mind. Maybe they are delusional and don't realize how serious the situation has been, but I'm not going to make anymore excuses for them when my health is on the line, and I've explained multiple times how serious it was. Just feeling really slapped in the face and betrayed.What's worse is I know they are talking about me to family, because my biological brother (who was not adopted by them), contacted me saying things only my parents know about and that they have said to me first. It's even more insulting that it's coming from him, because my brother is incredibly emotionally abusive to me. That they would talk about their issues with me to someone who they know has been abusive to me is appalling. I have no words for it. I now wonder what they have said to members of my adopted family.I hate the idea that my entire adopted family may be hearing lies that I ran off with some guy and never talk to them, when they are the ones who told me not to call and forced me to cope with a life threatening illness on my own. I actually haven't seen any extended adopted family either since the illness began. I've been too worried to run into my parents or face potential confrontations about why I don't talk to my parents.As for fearing being disowned/abandoned, I already feel emotionally disowned and abandoned, because of the emotional abuse and rejection that's happened, regardless of if they physically disown me from their life or not.I'm so tired of not being appreciated for the person I am, instead of the vision of who my parents believe I should have been. I mean, when you adopt a kid who is almost 10 years old that's had a whole life before coming to your family, how can you honestly expect them to turn out just like you, or to have the same values?At the end of the day, I won't allow them to disrespect my partner and I, and I refuse to have a relationship with someone who is willing to exclude and demean me or people I care about.About the anxiety I feel, I wonder if it's because I was kind of conditioned as a kid to be afraid of being reprimanded/criticized by my parents. I was one of those kids who you could just look at a certain way and it would be punishment enough. I did get a lot of disapproval about things from my mom growing up, which I felt has stuck with me and injured my self-esteem.

I was disowned by my adopted parents also when I turned 18 they stopped all communication with me and I can't even find them. They adopted me when I was 13 and disowned me at 18 and all of my adopted families dont talk to me I don't know why I met them and knew all of them but I feel like my adopted parents lied to all of them why they shouldn't talk to me and why I got disowned. When I turned18 they deported me back to the country where they got me from Ukraine and that was the last time they saw me or talked to me.