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I wasn't exactly sure where to post this so I hope that I found the right spot! It is Father's Day and I am thinking of my birth father today. My adoptive father is now in Heaven, and I am thinking of him as well. My birth father is a close relative of my birth mother so I was the result of incest. I have met him once and he seemed friendly, but at the time, I didn't know he was my birth father. For several years I didn't know he was my birth father as my birth mother doesn't really want anyone to know about the incest. For the past few years I have kept the secret. Some people in the family have no idea who my birth father is while others think he is someone other than who he is. To my knowledge only he, my birth mother, and I know. The incest happened prior to his marriage (his wife is now deceased) and I am not sure even she knew that there was another child. Following the one time meeting there has been no contact between my birth father and me. He lives in another city and state. He knows who I am but I don't think he knows that I know he is my father. I would love to have additional contact with him and even develop a relationship. You could say that since he now knows of my existence and has made no attempt to contact me although he could easily get my address and phone number through my birth mother. I can be okay even if we don't have a relationship (or a very rare one) since my adoptive father was a wonderful father. However, what is breaking my heart is that I am on social media with some of his other kids and I want so badly for them to know I am their sister! They just know me as a more distant relative. Anyone else ever have this kind of situation? It is like a knife in my heart every time I see a photo of all the siblings together as if that is the complete family, and I want to shout, "Hey, I'm over here!" I must admit that I abhor family secrets. All this happened many many years ago. I still hope that I can have my brothers and sisters one day. Your thoughts?
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I have not been in your exact situation, but I know what it feels like to be adopted and not feel fully recognized by the non-adopted siblings and relatives in the family. My oldest sister did not like me at all for a long time. She lived with her mom and couldn't see her dad (my adoptive dad) often, because she lived hours away. With time, she started to accept that I was in the family, although we are not close at all, and I doubt she tells anyone I'm her sister-although she is at least courteous to me and will make conversation with me now that we're adults.I think the dynamic of how people will respond once they know really depends on the individual people in the family, but if you really want them to know you are their sister, I would tell them. You can give your parents a heads up that it's important to you for your siblings and relatives to know you exist, but even if they don't want you to, it's still your choice. You have a right to know them as your siblings if you want to try to do so. Also, I don't know exactly what the familial relationship is between your biological parents, but if one of them was an adult and the other was a minor, or they were both minors and there was a large age difference between them, or it was a non-consentual occurence, I would want that to be known by the family for safety reasons. Not saying there was abuse-but if there was, it's important for the adults in the family to be aware so that children/family members can be protected. If they were both adults, then I'm not sure how they will deal with the information of their relationship being in the open. Only you can decide what is best for you. However, I've learned that if something really bothers you or is very important to you, it's best to face it at some point, so you have answers or closure.
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