Accidentally found out I was adopted at 17.

Uh, this may be a bit winded and has a few potentially "triggering" aspects involving drugs and violence and abortion. Nothing too rowdy, but... just rowdy enough? And a foreword: even with both sets of parents and families, my fiance, or anyone really, I have never really talked about all of this in depth and how it makes me feel. It is like i have a long delayed reaction to this whole pickle. Im still trying to figure out how i feel. I feel very weird typing about this, but this is a forum dedicated to this very thing. So i will push aside any feelings of "cringe" that arise. My hopes are to perhaps find others who have went through very similar things or make others feel better about their own situation.         Well, i was 17 when I found out. How I found out was actually a pretty messed up situation. My adoptive mother has been in and out of prison for a good chunk of my life, Since 3rd grade, at least, because that was when my adoptive parents divorced. Well, on that afternoon i was with my adoptive dad at our old family home. The place i grew up and considered home was now essentially a drug den. Because my mother had gone to prison in some kind of drug sting they were doing, dad and I went to the house to grab old things, like my remaining clothes, family albums, Old christmas stuff, things that once had great value to me. We did this because the house was getting broken into every night by people trying to spitefully steal from my mom. I was in her room trying to gather any important documents and things along that line so I could save them. We knew the house was doomed, and it really was. I will never forget that moment. Ever. My dad was out in our old shed, getting christmas items out of it. I found a bundle of folded papers, still seemingly crisp and untouched. Mind you I wasn't going through drawers at this point, this was just on the ground. The place looked like it had been turned upside down. They were clipped together with an old portrait of me in elementary on top. I was indeed curious so i took a peak. It was the court papers, Birth certificate and alike documents. I read the paper where it officially recognized my birth parents giving up their rights and my adoptive parents taking on those rights. I read it and didn't understand and genuinely thought it was all a big mistake. Didn't believe it was happening. I had always had a feeling. Which from what i read, it seems most of us know THAT feeling. You knew something was... different. As I was walking out to find my dad, i remember it was like a movie, all these moments in my life where I felt weird, like something was off, all made sense, even though i hadn't yet fully processed what this meant. Wanna hear what is so quirky about this situation? My birth parents were the people I knew as my "Aunt" & "Uncle". They were always oddly distant, lived in a different state even. And my parents always were weird. I feel like it wasn't noticeable to anyone else though. The air felt different when all 4 of then were together. Its weird and "cringey". Well, when I finally got to my dad i asked him what these papers meant, in total shock and was numb for the better part of the week. But he looked kind of upset and said "come sit down". And he refused to tell me until I sat down. But once I did. He told me very calmly and informed me that he had not planned to tell me until i had graduated high school. I had a rough upbringing because my adoptive mom was on drugs and with a very violent man. Her and I to this day are very estranged. It makes me weep. I understood why my dad wanted to wait, he cared about me, more than my mom ever did. I called my nana(grandmother), her and I were super close, and her, my dad, and my birth parents all talked on the phone together and they answered any questions I had. My mother was oblivious because she was in prison. She did not learn of it until a week later when she called my nana. I learned that my mom couldn't have children and wanted a child so bad, my dad went along to make her happy(funny how things changed). My aunt got pregnant and I was her 4th and last pregnancy. She wanted to abort me but instead gave me to my mother and father. The reason she wanted to abort was because I was and still am my uncles only biological child. He adopted my cousins, Who are actually my older brothers(i grew up thinking i was an only child and always wanted siblings). His family wanted so bad to be in my life, but they were not allowed, which was what my mom wanted. I also learned that giving me to my parents caused them great distress in their relationship and things were rough, which was why they moved out of state. Heh... Still reading? I told you it was pretty long and probably unnecessary. Even funnier(cringier?) this situation is only like 10% of my story. All, a bunch of outside factors that helped to shape my ultimate reaction to learning I was adopted. So what was my reaction? To begin, For the longest time I wasn't mad At anyone. Hell, I even moved up to Kentucky to live with my birth parents and their extended family and meet my siblings as my siblings. I wanted to discover my roots and learn what i came from and the life i could've had. I stayed up there for about a year until until extreme differences in beliefs clashed. This is around the time i felt angry. Not at my dad or my birth parents, but at my adoptive mother. She basically left me with my dad and said adios. Only popping back in to spite my dad and I. Its a weird druggie thing i guess? I felt angry and unwanted. This person who chose me and wanted me, only to essentially give me back once i got too big. Like a puppy when it grows up. I only compare it to this because my mother in her drug addled states would buy puppies and love em and pay attention to them and feed them, only to get rid of them once they fully grew up. I only made this realization months ago. It stings, I won't lie. I am pissed. It hurts. But i have to keep going. I felt at first like I had betrayed my father. This whole situation had him scared that I wouldn't love him anymore because we weren't blood related. That was never the case. In fact, it made me love and respect and appreciate my father 10000000000x more. To this day I do not know what I would do if I lost him. He is my rock, my foundation, my biggest fan, greatest supporter. He loved me more than if I was of his blood. He taught my that blood does not and will never define a damn thing. He cares for me more than my blood relatives ever will. But yes, there you have it. Even though many of you will probably never see this or care enough to read it all, i hope that at least a few do and maybe reach out. I would love to talk to others in a similar boat. No one I know personally can relate at all. And even if someone can't relate, i hope you take away these few tidbits to maybe help you along your path: -blood doesn't mean a thing, truly. -the grass may look greener... but know that that is not always the case. -It's also okay to want to learn of your origins, you need that to learn and heal. -^^^ your adoptive parents will ultimately understand this.

Wow. One thing I will say is: drugs will change a person. In my opinion, if a person does drugs over a long period time and can't stop, there is either a mental illness that's not diagnosed or treated or there was some type of trauma. Good for you for realizing that your dad will always have your back. Good for your dad for being there. This is tough on adoptive parents: thinking that our kids will "leave" us for their bio parents.

This reply may be quite late, but I thank you for even taking the time to read my story and even have commentary on it. Actually means a lot. Drugs definitely do change people. I truly don't remember her before drugs but apparently she wildly loved and protected me. Sad to hear that. My dad is still the best man of my life. Always will be. If you are still on here, my adoptive mother has been out of prison and is currently sober for the first time in years and years and years. She wants a relationship with me and deeply regrets all shes done. It means a lot and we are trying to repair our relationship. As amazing and dreamy as that sounds, I am afraid she may revert back to old ways and abandon me again. I'm keeping a healthy distance while trying to get to know who she is. Eh. But I seriously thank you so much for responding to this, you will never truly know how it is to have someone reach out. And I cannot speak for others, but I'd like to think that learning of your roots and who you were born from is an essential part to the process. Your child will be curious naturally, as I am sure you know. But take from my situation. My dad is not related to me at all, but I respect and love and admire him for being what I needed him to be. I may be curious about the people I share blood with, but st the end of the day i recognize who my true family is. Those who raised me, i could never turn on them for some people who just made me and gave me away, no matter the reason. I hope all is well in your life with you and your children. Lifes crazy.