Advertisements
Advertisements
I gifted my son to my cousin (she's more like a sister to me) on May 5, 2018 (the day he was born) because she struggles with infertility. I am happy he's with her. I don't want to raise him. I love her immensely and am so happy he has a good life. I still get to see him, which is nice... I'm just Aunt Donna instead of mom. All of this makes sense in my head and I really do feel that way. But my soul feels like it will never be whole again. I have gone back to work... I am doing all the right things... As far as the outside world knows I'm functioning normally. But I feel like life is going so fast around me and I'm am just stuck here moving at a sloth's pace. I can't keep up. I feel stuck... like I can't go on or move on from this place I'm in. I feel like day by day this is killing me slowly. It feels like I have aged 10 years in these short weeks that have passed. I can't continue living like this. I am just going through the motions.... but not living. I don't think I'm ever going to get rid of this pain or the hole in my soul. I didn't do adoption because I couldn't raise him. I didn't do it because I couldn't afford him. I didn't do it because I didn't want a baby. I still DO want a baby. I did it because it was the only way I could let her have all the baby moments. All the firsts. Everything she deserved... Because I love her so much. No one told me it would hurt like this forever. I thought she would have him... I would be the aunt... and everyone would be happy. Everyone IS happy and moving on ... EXCEPT ME! I am stuck. I am lonely. I am hurting and I am all alone.
Advertisements
Well Donna, you were misled and you've got a long road ahead. The Primary Wound (book) has a section for birth mothers.
This is all normal and from what I've read it doesn't go away.
And the worst part is that you aren't/weren't the only one hurting. I'm an adult infant adoptee.
Oh honey, only one creature on the planet can have you switch moms and not be affected. That's a bird.
I am betting you have never heard of DTD? PTSD prior to the creation of memory retrieval.
The body keeps score (as one book entitled that puts it) and though the events cannot be recalled if they occurred prior to age 3, they are still very remembered.
Adoption = Severance of a human's first emotional attachment, it is a life-altering, brain rewiring process that is very traumatic. Adoption can't be avoided but should be used as a last resort only.
It hurts like hell. On my adoptee support group for ADULTS we talk about how some of us aren't sure abortion is worse.
There is a hole in my heart. I struggle with issues of fear, trust, and my self-worth. Had I not been told that I was adopted I'd still have these feelings but not know why. Most adoptees are never "shocked" to learn the truth, in fact, it explains everything. I used to think I had seen a murder as a kid because there was something terrifying that I just couldn't quite remember.
Your cousin needs to know just how likely it is that the child will have issues and you guys need to go to therapy.
Don't lie to that child. Tell them the full truth from the beginning and stay in that child's life. Not for you but for him.
This is my blog with a host of links for birth mothers I suggest your first visit be to:
Last update on January 22, 6:24 pm by KyleXY XY.