I am certain I know my birth mother's name, but I can't find any contact info and there is a good chance she's no longer living. I do have a name and email for one of her cousins, but I'm not sure what to say. I 'm having a little trouble facing my fears.
Does anyone want to share how they worded their first letter to a birth family member?
Hi Michelle,
I saw no one has responded to you, so I thought while I'm waiting for my birthmother to respond, I would help someone else. I used 23andme and I got linked to a great uncle and on Ancestry a niece of this uncle owned a Family Tree. I re-wrote that email to her many many times. I just started off by letting them know that I was adopted and was searching for any family to obtain Medical History and would she mind giving me access to their family tree so I could continue my search. I let them know I wasn't sure who my birth mother was, but when and where I was born. I also did state I didn't want to cause any ill will to my birth mothers family, but desperately needed information if they would be willing to provide any information. I got a reply with loads of family history information, it took a week for me to get a response. Ironically, it came on my birthday. This woman ended up being my birthmother's cousin. She actually helped me in finding my birthmother and connecting me to my half brother. She didn't know at first who my Birthmom was, but liked the mystery and became my Sleuthing partner. This was last March. My half brother, to confirm we were related ,consented to 23andme and he called me the end of Aug to let me know I was found.
He confronted his/our mother, and I've written to her. I'm still waiting to hear back from her. It's been an emotional roller coaster the last 6 months and is an extreme lesson in patience. Something that I'm not very good at. Keep it simple, not judgemental and state what your looking for. Then be patient. A good friend of mine found the name of her birth father and wrote him 6 months ago.... she is still waiting. Read "The girls that went away" It helps understanding what our birth mothers went through and helps with finding the empathy needed to write that letter.
Good luck.
I sent "the letter" to my birth mother 16 years ago. A PI had found her name and address for me - and assured me this was the right person - and that was all the info I had about her.
My letter was something like this:
"Dear (first name),
I am contacting you because I believe that you know me from (date of my birth.) If you are the person I am seeking, you will recognize this date. I have wondered about you all my life, and recently was able to locate you. I am getting in touch with the hopes that you can answer some questions for me about my background and medical history. I would even like to meet you, if that would be okay with you. I have a good family, and I am fine, but I would like to meet you at least once and get some basic information so I can complete my identity. After that, I will not interfere in your life in any way or pursue any further relationship if you don't want it. I hope to hear from you whenever you feel comfortable getting in touch with me. I realize this is sudden and unexpected for you, and I understand if you need some time to think about it. Meanwhile, I send my best wishes and hope this finds you well."
In the letter I never said anything like "you are my birth mother," only because I didn't know who else might see the letter and I wanted to be as discreet as possible. I also wanted to assure her that I wouldn't come barging into her life if that would be disruptive for her. I did enclose a few pictures of myself so she could see who I am, and hopefully see the resemblance if she had any doubts. She did contact me almost immediately and we reunited. Then she gave me my birth father's name.
For my letter to him, I had to be a little more direct because I didn't know if he even knew I existed (he didn't.) I did know that he lived alone before I contacted him, so I felt free to speak more directly.
"Dear (first name),
I am contacting you because I am adopted and recently found my birthmother, (her maiden name.) She has told me that you are my father, and I realize that you might not have been aware of this. I was born on (date of my birth) and given up for adoption to parents who gave me a good life. However, if you are willing, I would like to verify that you are my birth father and get some information on my background. I don't want to interfere in your life in any way, nor do I ask anything from you other than whatever information you can give me about my genealogy and family medical history. Thank you."
I was then able to meet him as well, along with all my family on his side.
Last update on November 26, 12:25 pm by lisalu.