I recently gave up my son through Safe Haven. He was born 10/15/18. I haven't found much support with my decision and want my story shared with others, who might be struggling or adoptive parents who question why birth parents chose Safe Haven.
Even if no one comments on this or even reads it. I feel better just writing my story out.
I was in a relationship with a man that I love dearly but we both constantly sabotaged our happiness. One of the big things was us talking to and hanging out with people of the opposite sex. Even with our problems we decided I wouldn't be on birth control. We weren't trying but we weren't not trying. We finally got a place together in November 2017 after 2 years of being together. But by the holidays of 2017 were full of arguing and by New Years I was lost. We broke up for the umpteenth time and he moved out. Shortly after I overdosed on prescription pills that I had been prescribed. My male friend stopped by a few hours after I took the last pill. He did nothing to help me except making me not choke on my puke. My boyfriend came back to find my friend just sitting there and me incoherent and called 911.
I was admitted to ICU then transfered to the behavioral health ward. I was in the hospital for 2 weeks and my friend was the only one who visited me every day. My boyfriend was in contact with my friend but never came to visit. My friend and I bonded through my recovery. When I got out of the hospital my friend and I had sex. I didn't think I'd get pregnant because of all the stress.
A few weeks later I think I'm pregnant and took a test to confirm. During this time I'm talking to my ex-bf and we end up getting back together. He doesn't know I'm pregnant until months later. He thinks it is his child even after me telling him he's not. He stuck around and even came to the hospital with me.
We bonded with my son for just over a day. I never let him out of my sight and gave him as much love as I could. I even breastfed him. After I was discharged from the hospital I left him with the nurses and went home.
Besides the relationship issues there is a lot of stress in my life causing me to use Safe Haven vs. an adoption agency or keeping him. Due to the overdose I was behind on bills and was facing eviction. When I was 8 months pregnant I was fired from my job. I have 2 teenagers from a previous marriage that I struggle to support. I had no money coming in and was going to be homeless shortly after my due date. The adoption agencies are all Christian and I am not. I couldn't think of having an open adoption knowing he was being raised so different than my beliefs. I felt that if I just left him at the hospital I could eventually forget it ever happened and believe he's better off. I didn't want to bring him home into a broken relationship and such a poor situation.
Almost 2 months later and I think about him every day. I'm currently unemployed and homeless. I have a less than ideal situation where I can still maintain my placement with my older children. I feel guilty about leaving him and think maybe I could've gotten everything I needed by browsing fb groups. I see so many items being given away or for a very low price. Then I open my eyes and look at my situation. I realize couldn't give him the life someone else could.
I hope he has been placed with a wonderful family that will adopt him. I wish I could have an update just knowing he is safe. I think of calling social services and trying to get information but I think I'd tell them I want him back. I know in my heart my decision was the best for him.
Thank you for reading my story. Feel free to ask me questions.
Looking for support,