Dissociation, detachment, jealousy and hypervigilance

Hi, Kara~~I understand what you feel and what you've gone through. You are as valuable and unique and any other person on this planet. The sad part of every adoptees' story is that we never seem to feel we belong anywhere. I found my BM in 2011 and for four months we spoke on the phone off and on. She wouldn't tell me who my BF was, so I'm still searching for that part of my history. According to her, she would have never found a husband with a baby on her hip, so she gave me away. Romantic relationships have not worked out for me. I became avoidant - too scared to get close to yet another person I was sure would discard me. I've been in therapy for almost four years, now. It's been difficult. I've become attached to my therapist and now we are dealing with the hypervigilance and continuing fears of abandonment. Mostly, my fear of abandonment is under control - but when my therapist takes time for vacation, I'm a wreck. Though he tells me to text, email or call him if I need him, I won't do that when he's taking time for himself. Two weeks ago, he was away for a week, and by the time I saw him again, I'd made myself sick - emotions were so out of control I dissociated, developed stress rashes and fever blisters on my mouth, inflammation of the stomach, inability to sleep, cried nearly all of the time. And yet, through all of that, therapy has been a saving grace for me. I only have one question for you...Did your current romantic relationship develop because your partner wanted to "save" you, or did you want to "save" him? Men will always look at other women, flirt, etc., but that doesn't mean they want a relationship with them. Can you tell your partner how you feel when he pays too much attention to others? Unless he truly knows how frightened you are and is willing to stop hurting you by this behavior, nothing will change. But, you also need to give him some space, if you can. If both of you can give a little, it will help.I'm so sorry you're hurting. I wish I could assure you that all of this will get better, but adoptees have an extra burden to carry that never goes away. It can get better if we try to remember, no matter what others tell us, we are special and there's no one else like us in the world. That, alone, makes us worthy of love and attention. Those who gave up on us - it was their loss. {{Hugs}}