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It doesn't seem like there is much activity on these forums, but I wanted to post my current situation anyway just to get it out of my head and soul--I don't feel comfortable sharing with my adoptive parents, and my husband doesn't understand my feelings on my adoption at all (he is a very logical man, and I feel most adoptees would agree with me that logic cannot touch the raw emotions that accompany adoption). I was adopted as an infant, with wonderful adoptive parents. I tried to reach out to my birthparents when I was old enough to do so according to the adoption agency's rules; the day before my 16th birthday, when I would have been able to retrieve that information, birthmother contacted the agency and told them not to release any information to me other than that she had a husband and three sons who don't know about me and she wanted it to stay that way. She also denied me access to my family medical history and genealogy, which I desperately wanted. I made peace with that as best as I could, although I still hold a lot of resentment and anger--over the years, I've gotten very good at managing to place all those emotions in a mental box and bury it deep in the dusty recesses of my mind so I can get on with my life. Now, I'm pregnant with my first child--and that box doesn't want to stay closed anymore. I have a lot of conflicting emotions: I'm so incredibly excited to meet my first blood relative, to see aspects of myself in someone else, to have someone who is really and truly of my flesh and blood. I already love this little baby who kicks and nudges me non-stop, and I can't wait to meet him. But with that has come a flood of grief as well as I wonder how my birthmother could possibly have given me up--how she could have severed the bond that we shared and abandoned a helpless child who knew and loved only her. I can't imagine doing that to my son--and I feel so sad for what my infant self must have gone through in the first few weeks of life, alone with strangers and separated from the only person who I knew and depended on. Logically I am grateful that if she didn't want me, she gave me life and gave me to people who truly did want me and loved (and still love) me. But emotionally, I am in turmoil. I am afraid of what my reaction will be when I meet my son once he is born. I know I will have a rush of joy at finally having a blood relative, something I have always wanted and wondered about. But I am also afraid that it will be a bittersweet experience at the same time--a joyful meeting, yet a sorrowful experience as I mourn for the infant I was and the fact that I couldn't have what my son will have. I am afraid that these emotions will seep out when my adoptive parents are present at the birth, and that they will be hurt by them--something I absolutely don't want to happen. I didn't expect my pregnancy to bring so much turmoil around my adoption. If there are any adult adoptees out there who have given birth, I would love to hear what your experience was upon meeting your child. Did you go through something similar to what I am experiencing now and what I think I may experience when my son gets here?
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