Well, I got the answers I was looking for. They aren't what I wanted at all.
To make a long story short, I was adopted as an infant, and according to the paperwork my mom and dad (adoptive) were given,my biological parents were very young, and my farther likely never even knew about me.
It was all a lie. One big lie.
My mother may have been young, but there was no love between her and my biological father. My mother had been abused from the time she was a very small child by an older brother. That brother is both my uncle and father. This was confirmed for me through DNA and also my biological mother herself. I was able to find her, and she is a lovely woman who has been through a lot.
Once I was able to find out her real name, I sent her a letter and I got a response from my half sister/ niece. She was really excited to meet a sister she never knew about, and within a few days, I heard from my biological mother. She said she was so glad to hear from me and after a few emails back and forth, she finally confirmed the truth. I am a product of familial sexual abuse, consanguinity, incest or whatever else you want to call it.
Since then, I haven't heard from her or my biological sister/niece. My guess? My half sister didn't know the truth, but once she found out, she couldn't handle the information. With my mother? I don't know. I'm trying no to see it as being rejected all over again, but it feels that way. I understand it, but that doesn't make it hurt less.
I don't know why she went dark. Part of me thinks it's because she got what she needed (absolution for what she saw as her "sins") and I can't fault her for that in any way. I'm glad I gave her that. She also knows now that this "seed" that she set adrift in the wind took root and found a happy life, and I am so happy I was able to give her that.
So where does that leave me? It's left me to grieve, and it's a weird sort of grief. I grieve the loss of a happy reunion, the excitement of meeting a dad who is overjoyed to learn he has a daughter he never knew. I grieve being able to openly talk about being adopted, as there is so much stigma surrounding incest. I'm left dealing with a slew of health issues and three adult kids of my own who question how this will affect them.
I'm also left with the fear that one day, my biological father's children, who thanks to there being so much shared DNA ( long runs of homozygosity is the technical term) may well show up as being my children or siblings of they ever have their DNA tested) . How do I explain that? I don't even know which of my mother's brothers in my father. It's crazy.
So here I am. The dream I had is gone, replaced by grief and self loathing. It's not pleasant, but it is what it is.