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I have a question and need advice on how to handle this.
We adopted our daughter in 2016 from foster care. We have had her since birth and the birth mother got only minimal supervised visits one hour a week until parental rights were terminated. Bad situation, birth parents blamed everyone except themselves and were very angry with us for adopting their child (even though they lost parental rights due to refusing to work their case plan.) They have not seen her nor seen us in years.
Recently I looked at the birth mom's facebook page. I noticed she has a picture of our daughter as her cover photo with the caption "My baby ❤." Problem is I don't know how she got the picture as it was a private picture I took at our daughter's birthday party. I did post it to facebook but my account is set to private so the only people who can see my posts are friends. I only add people I personally know. I am guessing we must have a mutual friend who gave her the picture. Also I purposely don't ever post my children's pictures as a profile or cover photo because I don't want strangers having access to pictures of my children. Now my child's picture is out there as someone's cover photo without my permission. I am debating what to do. Yes I posted it to facebook but with privacy settings for a reason. I could report it to facebook as a violation or let it go.
What would you do? Am I over reacting?
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Yes you’re over reacting she’s the birth mum and will always see her as her daughter no matter what and if you’ve put it on Facebook then it’s already public you’re just reacting to the reality which is she’s not your biological daughter she is another women’s daughter.
Yes you’re over reacting she’s the birth mum and will always see her as her daughter no matter what and if you’ve put it on Facebook then it’s already public you’re just reacting to the reality which is she’s not your biological daughter she is another women’s daughter.
Yikes. Kere it does not sound like you have a realistic idea of the dangers of broadcasting kids photos if you really think this is about an adoptive mother just being bitter. You don't even know the family of origin or what level of risk they represent. "...angry with us for adopting their child..." should give you serious pause; foster parents don't make decisions about TPR so this family of origin is clearly laboring under misconceptions and not thinking clearly about what happened in their household over three years ago.
Terri, this situation would be a grave concern for me as well. Many people do not realize the danger they are inviting into kids' lives by featuring their photos online. Personally we do not post kids' photos to social media at all. Sharing only with your personal friends, with privacy settings, is a reasonable middle ground that many parents choose, and that deliberate choice has been violated by one of your facebook friends (probably with good intentions).
Bio mom likely has no idea of the risks. From the info you provided, it seems like she has not been able to find closure and understand boundaries. I have compassion for that, and it sounds like you do as well, but I would not put it above my child's safety. There is a real danger in an unstable person, clearly resentful and mentally unhealthy, having access to current photos of an adopted child. Many adoptive parents send photo updates to bio families using out of date photos for this very reason. If you're not in an open adoption, there was probably logic behind that; courts these days don't decide that as lightly as they used to! That being said, you are the best judge of how much of a risk bio mom is. Most bio families are not dangerous.
I think my first step would be reaching out to bio mom and talking about the issue. Perhaps just request she remove the image from the cover photo location. Maybe you could agree to send her photos of your choosing, if that's something you are comfortable doing, with the understanding that she is not to share them publicly.
I would definitely report it through facebook if bio mom is not receptive to communication. I would also try to figure out who is passing bio mom photos and speak to that person about privacy and security concerns. If you can't figure out who the mutual connection is, perhaps you could write a quick message to your social media friends explaining why it's so important that folks respect the privacy settings you use - assuming your circle of facebook connections is close enough that this would be taken respectfully of course. If this happened more than once, I would honestly consider speaking to the police.
If someone unrelated to a child did this, it would concern most reasonable people. We all take great pains to be considerate of families of origin, but the tough truth is that they no longer have a legal relationship with the child. If you do not have an open adoption, that decision was made for a reason and any contact, photo sharing, and information passing should be at the discretion of the adoptive parents and not the discretion of family of origin or mutual facebook friends. And THANK YOU for being a parent who takes the security of children's photos seriously.
I’m sorry Terri but reading your comment has my blood absolutely boil.. your comment when you said. “There is a real danger in an unstable person, clearly resentful and mentally unhealthy, having access to current photos of an adopted child” that has made my blood boil, for one it’s not your child, not in dna or blood. You never conceived the baby, you never see the baby’s heartbeat, you didn’t have any kind of scan, you didn’t see the midwife, you didn’t go through cramps, back ache, headaches to grow the child, you didn’t feel the baby kick, move, you didn’t grow that child in any aspects. You didn’t give birth to that baby, You didn’t go Labour pains, you never Brought the baby comming into this world The biological mother did. I’m hitting you with hard truths, biologically it’s not your child… now for you to say there is a real danger in a unstable person, clearly resentful and mentally unhealthy.. is so wrong for you to say.. for one of course the mother is going to be unstable, she had her baby ripped out of her arms by social services, and her baby got adopted.. resentfulness is not towards you at all, it’s towards social services.. and being mentally unhealthy. You should never ever in your life judge someone for having mental health. Mental health is an illness that people can NOT control. Let me educate you a little bit on mental health.. with mental health you can get through child hood, how you where brought for example if you had a dad who’s present in your life but emotionally abandoneds you because his to focus on work.. you have attachment issues which then leads Up to emotional unstable personality disorder. Bipolar disorder is a Chemical imbalance in the brain. Now how you get bipolar it’s Genetic.. or stress can bring on your bipolar. Someone can have bipolar not know they have it untill stress comes into there life. then they Become very unwell.. so saying mentally unhealthy has really wound me up, because having a picture of her OWN child might her get through the day.. it might make her happy.. if she suffers with mental health, then it will make her feel better having a picture of her OWN child. It will make her that little bit better, it might help her to get out of bed in the morning and go about her day. So because she’s mentally unwell she’s a risk is she? She’s a danger to society Is she? So she’s a rubbish parent because she has mental health issues? No mate. Someone with mental health problems is not a danger to society and can parent there god dam child still and is not a risk towards there OWN child. The only time it’s a risk is if the mother don’t take her meds, knows she’s unwell and is not seeing a dr, psychiatrist or going into hospital to help them get better. Yes that’s a risk to a child. Because when your mentally unwell, you can become very depressed, neglect yourself for example they don’t wash, they don’t eat.. they don’t clean up the house. There going to likely neglect the child also.. but that doesn’t make them a bad parent, it means there very unwell and they can’t help it. And most of the time they don’t think there unwell cos they can’t see it but other people can:
But when a mother is taken her meds every single day, and is happy, looking after her child, you know providing for the child, the child is clean, going to school, the child is happy, the child needs are being met. The mum goes to drs when the child is sick then what’s the issue? Is she a risk to child? What if the mum is going to her dr and seeing the psychiatrist. There is no risk just cos someone has mental health doesn’t mean they can’t be a parent. That’s unfair.. your putting people down with mental health because you don’t have mental health yourself, so you think your better then that person that has mental health issue. You don’t know what it’s like to have mental health at all.. so you don’t understand the pain the mothers going through right now with losing her baby to the care system.. you just see her as a risk. Maby If you had mental health you could actually relate to the mother but you don’t, so you just see her as a straight risk. I can see your one of them adoptees that’s going to tell her child she’s an unfit mother, she couldn’t look after, she neglected you, or you might even say she gave you up. So your going out her mum to be a right bad person.. If your moaning at her getting w picture of her OWN child, that really and truly should have a right of then I can tell your going her baby negative things about her mother. It’s the system it’s corrupt. Social services, judge, froster placement, placement care order. All corrupt there’s not such thing as a bad parent not once it comes to mental health or of the mother is a victim domestic violence. What makes you a bad parent is if you do class A drugs, the dad is a Paedophile and the mother allows the dad to see the child knowing his a Paedophile yes that’s an unfit mother. Not someone who suffers with mental health or a victim of domestic violence.
I’m sorry Terri but reading your comment has my blood absolutely boil.. your comment when you said. “There is a real danger in an unstable person, clearly resentful and mentally unhealthy, having access to current photos of an adopted child” that has made my blood boil, for one it’s not your child, not in dna or blood. You never conceived the baby, you never see the baby’s heartbeat, you didn’t have any kind of scan, you didn’t see the midwife, you didn’t go through cramps, back ache, headaches to grow the child, you didn’t feel the baby kick, move, you didn’t grow that child in any aspects. You didn’t give birth to that baby, You didn’t go through Labour pains, you never Brought the baby comming into this world The biological mother did. I’m hitting you with hard truths, biologically it’s not your child… now for you to say there is a real danger in a unstable person, clearly resentful and mentally unhealthy.. is so wrong for you to say.. for one of course the mother is going to be unstable, she had her baby ripped out of her arms by social services, and her baby got adopted.. resentfulness is not towards you at all, it’s towards social services.. and being mentally unhealthy. You should never ever in your life judge someone for having mental health. Mental health is an illness that people can NOT control. Let me educate you a little bit on mental health.. with mental health you can get through child hood, how you where brought for example if you had a dad who’s present in your life but emotionally abandoneds you because his to focus on work.. you have attachment issues which then leads Up to emotional unstable personality disorder. Bipolar disorder is a Chemical imbalance in the brain. Now how you get bipolar it’s Genetic.. or stress can bring on your bipolar. Someone can have bipolar not know they have it untill stress comes into there life. then they Become very unwell.. so saying mentally unhealthy has really wound me up, because having a picture of her OWN child might her get through the day.. it might make her happy.. if she suffers with mental health, then it will make her feel better having a picture of her OWN child. It will make her that little bit better, it might help her to get out of bed in the morning and go about her day. So because she’s mentally unwell she’s a risk is she? She’s a danger to society Is she? So she’s a rubbish parent because she has mental health issues? No mate. Someone with mental health problems is not a danger to society and can parent there god dam child still and is not a risk towards there OWN child. The only time it’s a risk is if the mother don’t take her meds, knows she’s unwell and is not seeing a dr, psychiatrist or going into hospital to help them get better. Yes that’s a risk to a child. Because when your mentally unwell, you can become very depressed, neglect yourself for example they don’t wash, they don’t eat.. they don’t clean up the house. There going to likely neglect the child also.. but that doesn’t make them a bad parent, it means there very unwell and they can’t help it. And most of the time they don’t think there unwell cos they can’t see it but other people can:
But when a mother is taken her meds every single day, and is happy, looking after her child, you know providing for the child, the child is clean, going to school, the child is happy, the child needs are being met. The mum goes to drs when the child is sick then what’s the issue? Is she a risk to child? What if the mum is going to her dr and seeing the psychiatrist. There is no risk just cos someone has mental health doesn’t mean they can’t be a parent. That’s unfair.. your putting people down with mental health because you don’t have mental health yourself, so you think your better then that person that has mental health issue. You don’t know what it’s like to have mental health at all.. so you don’t understand the pain the mothers going through right now with losing her baby to the care system.. you just see her as a risk. Maby If you had mental health you could actually relate to the mother but you don’t, so you just see her as a straight risk. I can see your one of them adoptees that’s going to tell her child she’s an unfit mother, she couldn’t look after, she neglected you, or you might even say she gave you up. So your going out her mum to be a right bad person.. If your moaning at her getting w picture of her OWN child, that really and truly should have a right of then I can tell your going her baby negative things about her mother. It’s the system it’s corrupt. Social services, judge, froster placement, placement care order. All corrupt there’s not such thing as a bad parent not once it comes to mental health or if the mother is a victim domestic violence. What makes you a bad parent is if you do class A drugs, the dad is a Paedophile and the mother allows the dad to see the child knowing his a Paedophile yes that’s an unfit mother. Not someone who suffers with mental health or a victim of domestic violence.
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I’m sorry Terri but reading your comment has my blood absolutely boil.. your comment when you said. “There is a real danger in an unstable person, clearly resentful and mentally unhealthy, having access to current photos of an adopted child” that has made my blood boil, for one it’s not your child, not in dna or blood. You never conceived the baby, you never see the baby’s heartbeat, you didn’t have any kind of scan, you didn’t see the midwife, you didn’t go through cramps, back ache, headaches to grow the child, you didn’t feel the baby kick, move, you didn’t grow that child in any aspects. You didn’t give birth to that baby, You didn’t go through Labour pains, you never Brought the baby comming into this world The biological mother did. I’m hitting you with hard truths, biologically it’s not your child… now for you to say there is a real danger in a unstable person, clearly resentful and mentally unhealthy.. is so wrong for you to say.. for one of course the mother is going to be unstable, she had her baby ripped out of her arms by social services, and her baby got adopted.. resentfulness is not towards you at all, it’s towards social services.. and being mentally unhealthy. You should never ever in your life judge someone for having mental health. Mental health is an illness that people can NOT control. Let me educate you a little bit on mental health.. with mental health you can get through child hood, how you where brought for example if you had a dad who’s present in your life but emotionally abandoneds you because his to focus on work.. you have attachment issues which then leads Up to emotional unstable personality disorder. Bipolar disorder is a Chemical imbalance in the brain. Now how you get bipolar it’s Genetic.. or stress can bring on your bipolar. Someone can have bipolar not know they have it untill stress comes into there life. then they Become very unwell.. so saying mentally unhealthy has really wound me up, because having a picture of her OWN child might her get through the day.. it might make her happy.. if she suffers with mental health, then it will make her feel better having a picture of her OWN child. It will make her that little bit better, it might help her to get out of bed in the morning and go about her day. So because she’s mentally unwell she’s a risk is she? She’s a danger to society Is she? So she’s a rubbish parent because she has mental health issues? No mate. Someone with mental health problems is not a danger to society and can parent there god dam child still and is not a risk towards there OWN child. The only time it’s a risk is if the mother don’t take her meds, knows she’s unwell and is not seeing a dr, psychiatrist or going into hospital to help them get better. Yes that’s a risk to a child. Because when your mentally unwell, you can become very depressed, neglect yourself for example they don’t wash, they don’t eat.. they don’t clean up the house. There going to likely neglect the child also.. but that doesn’t make them a bad parent, it means there very unwell and they can’t help it. And most of the time they don’t think there unwell cos they can’t see it but other people can:
But when a mother is taken her meds every single day, and is happy, looking after her child, you know providing for the child, the child is clean, going to school, the child is happy, the child needs are being met. The mum goes to drs when the child is sick then what’s the issue? Is she a risk to child? What if the mum is going to her dr and seeing the psychiatrist. There is no risk just cos someone has mental health doesn’t mean they can’t be a parent. That’s unfair.. your putting people down with mental health because you don’t have mental health yourself, so you think your better then that person that has mental health issue. You don’t know what it’s like to have mental health at all.. so you don’t understand the pain the mothers going through right now with losing her baby to the care system.. you just see her as a risk. Maby If you had mental health you could actually relate to the mother but you don’t, so you just see her as a straight risk. I can see your one of them adoptees that’s going to tell her child she’s an unfit mother, she couldn’t look after you, she neglected you, or you might even say she gave you up. So your maken out her mum to be a right bad person.. If your moaning at her getting a picture of her OWN child, that really and truly should have a right of then I can tell your going to tell her baby negative things about her mother. It’s the system it’s corrupt. Social services, judge, froster placement, placement care order. All corrupt there’s not such thing as a bad parent not once it comes to mental health or if the mother is a victim domestic violence. What makes you a bad parent is if you do class A drugs, the dad is a Paedophile and the mother allows the dad to see the child knowing his a Paedophile yes that’s an unfit mother. Not someone who suffers with mental health or a victim of domestic violence.
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I’m sorry Terri but reading your comment has my blood absolutely boil.. your comment when you said. “There is a real danger in an unstable person, clearly resentful and mentally unhealthy, having access to current photos of an adopted child” that has made my blood boil, for one it’s not your child, not in dna or blood. You never conceived the baby, you never see the baby’s heartbeat, you didn’t have any kind of scan, you didn’t see the midwife, you didn’t go through cramps, back ache, headaches to grow the child, you didn’t feel the baby kick, move, you didn’t grow that child in any aspects. You didn’t give birth to that baby, You didn’t go through Labour pains, you never Brought the baby comming into this world The biological mother did. I’m hitting you with hard truths, biologically it’s not your child… now for you to say there is a real danger in a unstable person, clearly resentful and mentally unhealthy.. is so wrong for you to say.. for one of course the mother is going to be unstable, she had her baby ripped out of her arms by social services, and her baby got adopted.. resentfulness is not towards you at all, it’s towards social services.. and being mentally unhealthy. You should never ever in your life judge someone for having mental health. Mental health is an illness that people can NOT control. Let me educate you a little bit on mental health.. with mental health you can get through child hood, how you where brought for example if you had a dad who’s present in your life but emotionally abandoneds you because his to focus on work.. you have attachment issues which then leads Up to emotional unstable personality disorder. Bipolar disorder is a Chemical imbalance in the brain. Now how you get bipolar it’s Genetic.. or stress can bring on your bipolar. Someone can have bipolar not know they have it untill stress comes into there life. then they Become very unwell.. so saying mentally unhealthy has really wound me up, because having a picture of her OWN child might her get through the day.. it might make her happy.. if she suffers with mental health, then it will make her feel better having a picture of her OWN child. It will make her that little bit better, it might help her to get out of bed in the morning and go about her day. So because she’s mentally unwell she’s a risk is she? She’s a danger to society Is she? So she’s a rubbish parent because she has mental health issues? No mate. Someone with mental health problems is not a danger to society and can parent there god dam child still and is not a risk towards there OWN child. The only time it’s a risk is if the mother don’t take her meds, knows she’s unwell and is not seeing a dr, psychiatrist or going into hospital to help them get better. Yes that’s a risk to a child. Because when your mentally unwell, you can become very depressed, neglect yourself for example they don’t wash, they don’t eat.. they don’t clean up the house. There going to likely neglect the child also.. but that doesn’t make them a bad parent, it means there very unwell and they can’t help it. And most of the time they don’t think there unwell cos they can’t see it but other people can:
But when a mother is taken her meds every single day, and is happy, looking after her child, you know providing for the child, the child is clean, going to school, the child is happy, the child needs are being met. The mum goes to drs when the child is sick then what’s the issue? Is she a risk to child? What if the mum is going to her dr and seeing the psychiatrist. There is no risk just cos someone has mental health doesn’t mean they can’t be a parent. That’s unfair.. your putting people down with mental health because you don’t have mental health yourself, so you think your better then that person that has mental health issue. You don’t know what it’s like to have mental health at all.. so you don’t understand the pain the mothers going through right now with losing her baby to the care system.. you just see her as a risk. Maby If you had mental health you could actually relate to the mother but you don’t, so you just see her as a straight risk. I can see your one of them adoptees that’s going to tell her child she’s an unfit mother, she couldn’t look after you, she neglected you, or you might even say she gave you up. So your maken out her mum to be a right bad person.. If your moaning at her getting a picture of her OWN child, that really and truly should have a right of then I can tell your going to tell her baby negative things about her mother. It’s the system it’s corrupt. Social services, judge, froster placement, placement care order. All corrupt there’s not such thing as a bad parent not once it comes to mental health or if the mother is a victim domestic violence. What makes you a bad parent is if you do class A drugs, the dad is a Paedophile and the mother allows the dad to see the child knowing his a Paedophile yes that’s an unfit mother. Not someone who suffers with mental health or a victim of domestic violence.