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So we all thought we were doing what was best for the children we gave up for adoption. Everyone told us it was the best thing. What about when it wasn't? What then? I was 17. It was 1969 and I was told my son was to be adopted by a "very prominent doctor" and his wife, and that he would have a stable, loving home. Except he didn't.
I was lucky, search-wise. Two weeks ago, after a typical, closed adoption and 51 years, it took me all of 30 minutes and $20 to find my son online and make contact. He had left a very identifiable trail of bread crumbs for me to follow. And what I found, was that the "very prominent doctor" (now deceased) had been an abusive alcoholic, and "his wife" (also now deceased), an enabler who put up with it. Icing on the cake: there had also been a grandmother who believed adoption was "taking on someone else's problems," and treated my son accordingly: as "someone else's problem." Given this stellar home provided for him - not to mention a strong genetic predisposition to substance abuse courtesy of my son's bio dad - I found my 51 year old son 1000 miles away, in a half-way house.
He was overjoyed to have been found. Had a million questions, which I answered. Sent him tons of pictures. His immediate reaction was desire to meet the family, and to have me "in his life," - which I certainly can understand, and have no problem with. But he has been . . . less than forthcoming about his present circumstances. Understandable, perhaps. His old social media pages reflect his acknowledgement that his decisions over the past years have not been good, and that he his life "is not where he would like it to be." He has found evangelical Christianity, which seems to be the only thing holding him together. He immediately posted my picture on Facebook, thanking God for being found. What I have pieced together is that he is unemployed, penniless, (possibly) on the verge of eviction from the half-way house, and alone - estranged from his older sister, who is also an adoptee. His adoptive parents cut him from their will - left everything to the sister. He told me he did not contest the "ugly will." I gather he has significant guilt over how he "treated" his adoptive mother. Aside from that, I really know nothing. Certainly, it is his prerogative to share what he wants, when he wants. I understand and accept that. Except that he very quickly asked me for money.
He told me he had a job interview but no gas money. So I wired him $100. A few days ago, he told me he got the job, but was going to be put out on the street because he was behind on his rent and wouldn't be able to catch up in time. I did some checking; found the laws in his state, etc. and asked him some questions. He says he has no caseworker, and is not "in the system" (has never applied for SSD and Medicaid, etc.). When I did not immediately respond with rent money, but instead, offered him some pathways and resources to keep the roof over his head, he backed off contact. So now I don't know what - if anything - is going on.
Here's the deal: my . . . job would suggest to those who don't know me, or the profession I am in, that I am well-situated. That is not the case at all. I am pretty sure he thinks I have money I don't have. But even if it were within my ability to give him a financial leg up, I know enough about addiction and manipulative behavior to know that is probably not a good idea. At all. Especially knowing as little as I do. So here I sit. 1000 miles away. With all the guilt and recriminations you would expect in a bio mother who finds things did not turn out all rosy for the child she surrendered. AND that child has substance abuse issues. What the hell do I do now? Jump on a plane? Any suggestions appreciated.
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Update: I have learned that my son is not in a half-way house for addiction, per se. He is on probation after serving a year in prison. His criminal record is 43 pages long. Started with traffic stuff and a DUI when he was around 20; lots and lots of charges brought and then dismissed for various reasons - multiple counts of burglary, for example. And several convictions for bad checks and resisting arrest. Finally, two years ago, he was arrested for possession of a "large amount" of marijuana AND resisting arrest with violence. Felonies in the state he lives in. So he did a year. So he is 51. No real job skills or education. Penniless. and on probation. What, in the hell, do I do now?