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Originally Posted By Kathleen
I just found this message board. Let me know if this is the right place to discuss this topic.
I recently found my birthmom. It was surprisingly easy. Almost as if God placed it all in my lap. What I am struggling with now is how to incorporate this new information into my life.
I am very busy. I live in a different state from my adoptive parents. I don't feel like I see them enough as it is. And now I have a whole other family. My birthmom recently offered to fly out to visit me. I surpised myself by backing away. I really do want to get to know her, but I guess I am scared. Scared that it will be awkward. Scared that I won't be able to give her what she wants. Scared that I will be obligated to more people. I feel selfish and sort of ashamed, and I'm finding it hard to talk to anybody about it. I was hoping this anonymous board would help me work though these feelings.
Has anyone else gone through this? I'd really appreciate anybody's thoughts.
P.S. If you are searching, and you haven't contacted the agency through which you were adopted yet, do so right away. This is how I found my birthmom. She had written a letter to the agency almost 10 years ago and that was how I found her.
Hi Kathleen. I do understand your feelings. I found my birth mother 13 yrs ago. I was ecstatic and she seemed to be. I had great adoptive parents. The absolute best. The passed away 4 years ago. BUT my adoptive mother and dad were supportive of me finding my "roots". I have 4 siblings and have a true blue loving relationship with them. As if we were raised together. My BM and i are now estranged due to the fact she refuses to tell me who my father is. BUT my sibs and i think we have found him and unfortunately he died 10 years ago.I could have met him and gotten to know him.He did know i existed.If it was him, which we are positive, i have another sister and brother. But it gets messy there. My "new" sibs are already family. Alot of hurt would come if this came out in the open. Hence my BM's darn "secrets". And her explanation of "i don't remember". P-lease.
Take it slow. Go with your heart. I wish you luck and all the best. Write to me when you need a lift. I understand. Been there, done that. :) It depends on your age as well and if you have sibs. Sometimes the kids get along better than the child and BM. Don't expect to much to fast. Tears will flow and smiles will beem. Your roots are important and i am sure you have feelings like betrayal to your adoptive family. I am sure they understand. They were given a wonderful gift when you were placed in there arms. No one will ever take their place in your heart i am sure of that.
Good Luck.
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HELLO
I JUST WANTED TO TELL YOU THAT I HELPED A GOOD FRIEND OF MINE FIND HER BIRTH PARENTS AND I WENT WITH HER TO MEET THEM AND YOU COULD TELL RIGHT AWAY SHE WAS HOPE IT WAS LIKE SHE HAD NEVER LEFT THERE WAS ALOT OF CRYING AND LAUGHING BUT IF YOU FEEL IT WILL BE STRANGE SIT DOWN AND WRITE THIS TO YOUR B-MOM SHE WILL UNDERSTAND JUST LET HER KNOW THAT YOU ARE TAKING THIS SLOW AND YOU DO WANT TO KNOW HER TELL HER THAT YOU WANT TO START OUT WITH LETTERS AND PHONE CALLS FIRST SO YOU CAN FEEL MORE COMFORTABLE THEN YOU CAN GO FROM THERE TRUST ME SHE WILL DO ANYTHING TO MAKE THIS EASIER ON YOU SHE KNOWS. THIS IS HARD ON HER TOO SHE HAS BEEN THINKING ABOUT YOU SINCE THE LAST TIME SHE SAW YOU. SO JUST LET HER KNOW IN A LETTER THEY SEEM TO WORK BETTER THAT WAY YOU CAN GET ALL YOUR FEELINGS IN WITHOUT A CRYING SPREE IN THE MIDDLE OF YOUR CONVERSATION.
GOOD LUCK!!!!!!
GOD BLESS YOU AND YOUR MOM!
JANETTE
lOOKING FOR HUSBANDS B-MOM IN OHIO!!!!
Originally Posted By Sekeeta
Hi,
I'm a birth mother and I thought you might profit from my point of view.
I would absolutely LOVE to find my daughter for many reasons. Most of which have nothing to do with my feeling better about anything. I feel that she has both the right and the need to understand why that first, major rejection happened to her. She also should know about her blood roots, what to expect medically, how she can expect to age, and the sort of things (types of people, talents, etc.) that run in her birth family.
In my heart I would be incredibly happy if we could become friends, however, I have no expectations of anything from my daughter. She owes me nothing, I owe her everything. At least everything that I can give her. So far I've given her life and a chance to live it decently. If she wishes no further contact with me, so be it. If she wishes to truly know me, wonderful! As far as her adoptive parents are concerned...they are the greatest people in the world to me. I don't know who they are or where they live, but they gave love, a home, and a family to my daughter...the last two I was unable to give. I fully expect my daughter to continue loving her parents. I only gave her life, they gave her everything else. They are her parents. I am her birth mother who may become her friend...her choice.
We are all extremely busy in this modern world and have little time left over for those people already in our lives. I can't speak for your birth mother, but I understand completely. Most likely she only wants to include you into part of her life (you have always been a part of her life, now she wants to meet you) and, hopefully, she will let you do all the leading. You sound as though you feel like you're trapped between two betrayals. My dear, you are betraying no one by meeting your birth mother. Your adoptive parents most likely expected you to find your birth mother, and long ago accepted that fact. You are in complete control of this situation, become friends with your birth mother or not as you choose. The only person here who can become betrayed is you. If you are still bothered as deeply as you sound, perhaps you could seek some counseling.
Basically, play it by ear, take it slowly...as slowly as you need to. And remember one thing...she loved you enough when you were born to do what she could to give you a decent life. Surely she can't want to interfere in that life now.
Good luck. And please understand that if I've overstepped any boundaries here, I overstepped with love. You, your birth mother, and your adoptive family have my love and hopes for a wonderful future!
Sekeeta
Originally Posted By Kathleen
Thanks to all of you for sharing your thoughts with me. Especially you Sekeeta. My birthmom has been fabulous through this all. She is letting me do the leading, and has let me know that if I need to back off or go slower that's fine. And I talked with my mom about everything this weekend. She also has been truly wonderful. Very supportive of whatever I want to do. I guess I spend so much of my life trying to please others and trying to be in tune with other people's feelings and wants, that sometimes I forget that my own feelings and wants are important too. But I'm starting to accept that both of my moms will be happiest if I am happy, and I need to figure out what will make me happy.
This is such a great forum. Thanks again everyone for being there for me.
Kathleen
Originally Posted By Carol Bird, Birthfamily Support, adopting.org/support/html
Dear Kathleen:
Have you posted on Dr. Marlou Russell's ADOPTEE SUPPORT FORUM in our Expert's group? She's a reunited adoptee who is also a psychologist/family therapist and she offers valuable advice. She's at [url="http://www.adopting.org/supports.html"]http://www.adopting.org/supports.html[/url] ADOPTEE ISSUES SUPPORT FORUM.
Reunion and Recovery can be a very stressful time, and I always urge adoptees and birth parents to read as much as possible on the subject; especially these Boards and Forums that discuss experiences, problems, suggestions and solutions to problems you may confront on this virtual rollercoaster ride.
We have some excellent articles in the Library Reading Room here at Adopting.org
One that I recommend you print out and read frequently is THE TOP 10 WAYS FOR A HAPPY REUNION [url="http://www.adopting.org/ReunionAdvice.html"]http://www.adopting.org/ReunionAdvice.html[/url]. Dr. Russell has written a helpful article REUNION ISSUES [url="http://www.adopting.orgt/MRReunionIssues.html"]http://www.adopting.orgt/MRReunionIssues.html[/url]
Browse through the list of articles in the reading room; you'll find many others to help guide you through the process of reunion and recovery.
I'm glad that your relationship is improving and that you feel more at ease now. There will be little snags now and then, but if you try to see ALL sides of the issue : yours, the birthfamily members' and your parents and adoptive family members, things will go along fairly well.
Why don't you drop in on our Chats sometime?
We have scheduled chats for Adoptees (10 PM EST on Thursday nights); Birthfamilies (9 PM EST on Mondays)
Reunions (10 PM EST on Wednesdays) and many others. The chatroom are open 7 days a week, 24 hours a day, and you will frequently find people discussion just about anything in our "Lobby"
[url="http://community.chatspace.com/go.asp?server=/105-0191-066"]http://community.chatspace.com/go.asp?server=/105-0191-066[/url] takes you to the Lobby, and you can launch to any of the different "rooms" from there or:
[url="http://sites.chatspace.com:8240/rooms/room.htm?room=Birthfamily"]http://sites.chatspace.com:8240/rooms/room.htm?room=Birthfamily[/url]
[url="http://sites.chatspace.com:8240/rooms/room.htm?room=Adoption"]http://sites.chatspace.com:8240/rooms/room.htm?room=Adoption[/url]
[url="http://sites.chatspace.com:8240/rooms/room.htm?room=Reunion"]http://sites.chatspace.com:8240/rooms/room.htm?room=Reunion[/url]
[url="http://sites.chatspace.com:8240/rooms/room.htm?room=Adoptee"]http://sites.chatspace.com:8240/rooms/room.htm?room=Adoptee[/url]
If you copy these into your "bookmarks" or "favorites" be sure to type them EXACTLY as seen
you can also capture them with copy/paste.
Good luck. Please feel free to drop a line or write to me at my Birthfamily Support Forum at adopting.org Expert Group.
Hugs, Carol
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Originally Posted By Kathleen
Thanks for those links Carol. The Adoptee issues forum is excellent. Exactly what I was looking for!!!
Originally Posted By Greg Hartman
On Friday June 2, I met with the Social Worker that placed me for adoption and found out all of the non-identifying and identifying. Going into this what I wanted to know was 1. Health History, 2. Do I have any siblings? and 3. Maybe someday meet my birthmother and/or siblings. I found out she had placed a brother in adoption 3 years before me. I wasn't going to do much with the information, but for the heck of it, I typed in my birthname and low and behold I found my birthmother's brother's home page, and the ENTIRE geneology. To my sadness, I found out my birthmother died in 1986. Since then I have talked with her older Sister, and she never knew. We will be meeting but I made this point, "I have a wonderful and loving family"at this point I don't want to expand my family. Hopefully we can learn a little about each other, maybe learn some of those mysteries. I know the sister is saddened that she never knew. So hopefully this will bring some peace to all of us. So my advice is simply to meet and talk, and get out some hurts (we all have them), and then tell her what you have written, you're life is busy with YOUR family.
Originally Posted By Sekeeta
Dear Kathleen,
I am so happy that you have spoken to both your moms!!! Happier still that they responded so wonderfully. See, you really can't please anyone else until you learn to please yourself. Sort of works like love. You really are lucky, you know, you have two moms. I envy you. My own mother died young and I have been without a mom for over 30 years now. When I met my husband's mom (a fabulous woman!) I sort of adopted her. Sadly, she left us three years ago, so now I am again "momless".
Be happy dear one, and always give love...it's much better than pleasing people.
With love,
Sekeeta
Originally Posted By Colleen Buckner, Search Expert
Have you read the book yet "Ithaka" by Sarah Saffian? She talks about her feelings regarding meeting her birth parents. You might see that your feelings are similar and know that it can all work out fine.
Warm Regards,
Colleen Buckner
Search Expert
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Originally Posted By Jess
I too found my birthmother 2 years ago now. I was in and out of foster care for 8 years. During the first 5 years I was intermittently with my B-mom. I remember quite a bit of "bad" things happening to me. When I found her I thought I could put it all to rest, but to no avail...she claims no part of anything. I told her now was the time to clear the slate and go forward. She continues to forget. I guess I developed a distrust and although I'd like to believe her, it would mean denying my own memories and the notations the STATE AGENCY made. On top of it all she wants a close relationship and seems to be a very loving person. My 1 sister remained with her (1 out of 4) and is not very close to her, but claims she was never abused in any way. She also is hurt that I can't seem to call her mom. It's not that I don't want to it's just that she wasn't a "mom", My amom was very abusive and its not that I am close to her its just that I am not close to my bmom, physically or emotionally. Like you I want to be...but I have to put somethings to rest. Don't get me wrong I am very happy to have found her and 3 sisters, I don't want to lose her...but I still need answers.
I probably rambled on to topics that don't parallel your situation...but even reunions have their issues.. You're definitely not alone...Hang in there it takes time to heal and grow. Best of Luck!!!
Jess
I'm so excited for you and your bMom !! It's okay that you feel awkward and selfish. laugh* It's really okay. I think that when you shake off the coat of fear about it that you and she will be fine. She knows you live too far, that you are busy and that you have mixed feelings. smile* It will be fine. Thank God for allowing you to find her, and keep in touch by phone and mail with both families. You will never have too many people to love you, and God will see that you always have enough love to give them all. smile* May God bless all of you abundantly !! Love in HIM, Irene*
I just felt like responding to what the birth mother wrote. How beutiful that she said everything that I have always wanted to hear. It made me cry while I was reading it but it was'nt because I was sad just hoping that my birth mother would feel the exact same way as she does. I think as adoptees we need the reasurance of knowing that our birth mothers loved us. Even at age forty I still wonder if she thinks about me on my birthday or on holidays. I want to find her so badly to tell her that it was a beutiful gift she gave me which was my life. Im glad I found that tonight and read it. It has made my day. Good luck to all adoptees and god bless.
Originally Posted By A Grateful Adoptee
Thank you so much for writing A Birth Mother's Point of View. I'm sitting at my desk at work still crying. I can't imagine how you must feel and how much strength it must have taken to put your child up for adoption. I have never thought my birthmother didn't love me nor have I felt rejection over being adopted. Considering the stigma attached to "unplanned" pregnancies during the time I was adopted, I feel my birthmother loved me the most of all since she actually endured the whole pregnancy instead of terminating it in the beginning.
I have an 18 year old son so I understand the depth of a mother's love for her child. I cannot imagine saying goodbye to my child at birth and never knowing what happened to him. I get nervous just waiting up for him to come home at night. In this day and age, where it is so easy to get an abortion or where babies are put in garbage dumpsters, how can anyone feel rejection because they were adopted?? Birthparents give up a part of themselves in order to give their child the best start in life. Thank you, my birthmother and all the others who have placed their children up for adoption.
Both my adopted parents have passed away and I have just begun the search process to find my birthmother. I hope to be successful but just in case - Mom, if you're out there, I would really like to meet you and thank you for the greatest gift of all - LIFE.
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Originally Posted By Sandy(Sandra Sondra Hicks) Mullins
I pray that this wonderfully written letter brings each & everyone of us a peace. Thank You hugs4U & Ur's