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I have found some relief in these postings, and it's nice to finally
see what other people have gone through, are going through, and the varied experiences. Until someone has actually done this process (fost/adopt), it's impossible to fully understand the emotion, the anguish, the fear, and resentment. One thing our classes didn't prepare us for were the ulcers, and sleepless nights wondering what will become of thise innocent kids.
We currently have two placements. Our first one is 11 months old, and was placed with us at 6 weeks (She was 9 weeks premature, and addicted to heroin). Our second is 2 years old, and was only recently placed with us a couple of months ago.
The irony is that it appears that the 2 year old's case will most likely be resolved before the11 months old case. In the case of the 11 month old, the mother is of course fighting to gain custody. Never mind that for the first 8 months of the case she did virtually nothing required of her by the courts/sw. Now at 10 months she is starting to show up for visits, etc. Thus the roller coaster just got scarier, and longer. I can't believe the court would increase visits to reward her for actually making two months of visits. Especially since she missed nearly 50% of visits, and numerous UA's. I just don't get this system that rewards in-action. To top it off, a psychiatric eval basically states that she is not competent to parent a child, and yet re-unification is still on the table.
I hope to hear from others who have been on the long haul of ups and downs, and how you coped with the day to day fears. I look at this little kid who has no idea of her precarious fate, that the only parents she has ever known are merely babysitters in the eyes of the state. It frightens me to no end that she could be returned to a person who has previously demonstrated the total inability to raise a child.
Thank you for letting me vent, and having a safe place to do so.
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I can't comment on the day-to-day as we're still in classes and aren't at the point you are, yet.
But I wanted to give you another way to think about this recent increase in birthmother visits. Since she missed so many and then started attending them, the courts aren't necessarily rewarding her with more visits, instead they are starting to require more of her.
For instance, if she has the willingness to come to 4 visits a month, if she's only allowed 4 visits a month then she's likely to make all of them. But if by making all 4 of the visits she is increased to be allowed 8 visits a month, then by making the same 4 visits she is no longer batting 100%--she's down to 50% even though her effort didn't change.
She either has to be committed or she'll see her "scores" go down as she maintains the same attitude but the expectations go up.
I hope that helps somewhat. I dont' think any of us will truly understand the "system", but I wish you luck in it!
Darwin, there really isn't much you can do to make the wait easier. Just what you are doing, talking to people about your fears. I can tell you I've been through it three times, twice with good results, and once with bad. I'll tell you the good since the bad one will just make you more nervous.
Allie came to us at 11 months old. She's very severly handicapped, and on top of it had been severly neglected. She weighed only 10 lbs at 11 months old. I handled the weekly visits okay, but the on again off again plan to reunited the family almost drove me insane. Allie was failure to thrive on top of her handicaps and I was so scared if she went home and was neglected a second time, that it would kill her. She had learned what it was like to have attention and I didn't think she could take having that attention taken away. When they started doing overnight visits I was a wreck the whole time she was gone. By request of the social worker we started marking her medicine bottles (she had 7) to see if they had been given to her, and to set up her hip brace to know if it had been used. After 3 weeks of being able to consistantly say that no, the bottles were not touched and neither was the brace they cut off visits. They needed the proof though in order to do it. I understood that, but at the same time they were allowing Allie to go without her heart medications for one day and one night three weeks in a row. In the end both of her birth parents signed off rights on her, and her adoption was final in May.
Dayna came to us at six years old. Her birth mother was in a homeless shelter, and Dayna was also severly neglected. She still has the eating issues, amongst other things to prove it. She did her overnight visits in the homeless shelter, and I was so sickened and amazed that they would do that. Her birth mother was told she had to have a job and a place to live before she could have Dayna back. She made no effort to get a job, and no effort to find a place to live yet they still sent Dayna home to live. Well, homeless to live. She was gone for a year, and she came back at 8 and her birth mother signed off custody and her adoption was final on the same day as Allie's.
It's a horrible thing to go through. You KNOW the parents that are going to continue to neglect or abuse them. But you can't do anything about it. I've met parents that I knew their kids would never end up back in care, and I've met ones that I'm terrified of the kids going back there. All I can say is hang in there, and talk to people about your fears. There isn't much anyone can do, but we can be here, empathize, and listen.
Good luck.
Thank you all for your words of wisdom and emotional support for what has got to be one of the most difficult life experiences I personally have ever gone through, and until now, I thought I had known quite a bit about tough roads.
Every day I do pray, and every day I try to find an ounce of serenity. I truly look forward to the weekends...no visits to contend with, no post visit trauma.
I still shake my head every time I see the older mother of our youngest daughter....I still can't seem to understand how she can selfishly try to gain custody of a daughter that never lived with her, that she nearly murdered, and now to try and rip her from the only home she has ever known. That to me is the epitome of selfishness. I could understand it better if she had stablity, sobriety, and full mental capcities to offer this child and could give her more than what he have given this child from day one. But to have dragged her feet for 10 months, and now try at this stage in the game, and to actually have a chance is beyond my comprehension.
In the last few weeks I've taken my anger and have spoken to a state legislature about revising our current laws with regards to birth parents, and require that DSHS move to term parents rights if the parent hasn't actively participated in services, or start the things that are need for reunification...it basically gives the parents 90 to 120 days to prove that they intend to work with the system...if not, then that's it. In my research I found other states with similar lingo, and I hope its worth pursuing.
Darwin,
I can see your struggle and am very impressed with the way you are handling the anger. One voice can make a big difference in the life of a child and many more to come for that matter.
Continue to be open and network with those who understand your pain and grief; especially those who have been down similar roads as you, and the best of luck to you in your fight with the legislature of your state! I think it is a wonderful way for you to make a difference!!!
Best!
Karen Ferrell
Moderator
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Darwin, ten months IS the magic number for these kinds of "parents". They don't want to do the work to get the kids back, don't want to have the kids normal. Our foster son's mother was very good at working the system and getting by doing nothing. Ten months is when most of the bios start making an effort...but it usually does NOT last. Our bio mom would come to one visit, skip the next two. Then she would come to another one and then disappear. They seem to do just enough to keep the case active. Finally the state went to TPR on the basis of permanent neglect, not abandonment, although they did do that on the dad (both signed off, if you remember). I forget just now why ten months is the magic number for bios to make a half-hearted attempt, but it has to do with making an effort just "under the gun" before TPR proceedings are started. Most likely your fd's mother will not be able to keep up with everything she's supposed to do, but will have more time since she gave an effort. Just go along for the ride and loooooooove that baby. You are doing a good job, ok? Love, JULIE
We were just informed by the SW that they will be having a conference with the bio-mom to inform her that they are moving forward with a petition for a TPR on both the bio-mom/dad.
Apparently, reports are slow to reach the agency, but they have what they need, and the mom has not been in compliance with court requests for the last two months. The CASA agency also performed an internal review of the case and without hesitation said that TPR would be the only course they would support...thank god, since the CASA worker originally wasn't sure what she felt was best, and her supervisor finally had to take over w/ an un-biased review.
The bio-mom is still making visits, but her life is spiraling down around her, and is getting popped on UAs.
We are not holding our breath, because we know that the ride is not over yet, but we are holding strong to our faith and love we have for our foster daughter....and although difficult, we are placing a lot of faith in our social worker and the courts.
:rolleyes:
Hi everyone,
It is really nice to hear everyone elses experiences. I have 2 fostadopt daughters, one has been with me almost 2 mo. and the other for almost a month. They are ages 2 1/2 and 4. They are such a handful- temper tantrums, anger, spitting, biting, bad language-really bad, plus other behavior that is not as bad just tiring for me- such as whining, crying, clinging. Does anyone know how long kids usually have to be in your home before things start to calm down? I have a bio daughter age 9 and am worried about the effect on her. Thanks for letting me vent- its been a long long day. Feel free to email me afdonn@aol.com
Your foster/adopt kids are kinda like babies who can't comunicate except to scream at the top of their lungs. They need to be taught to use their words. When they tantrum, I would pick them up and hold them or rock them and speak or sing very softly. When they calm down, ask them what they need so they can practice using their words.
Try to put them to bed early enough to give your older child a couple hours of your undivided attention. Also, if you have a spouse or other caregiver you could take one SAT a month for you and your older child to go do something fun.
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Hi, I understand what you are going through. My first foster/adoption took place two years ago. I adopted a sibling group of five children. The whole process took a total of seven years from foster placement to finalizing the adoption. I now have two little angels as foster placements. The first little one is 15 mos old and came to me at seven weeks. The second is 8 mos old and came to me at a week old. Termination will begin soon on the 8 mos old. But the roller coaster ride continues on my precious 15 mos old. The chance upon chance given to these birth mothers who don't even bother bonding with their children is rediculous. Now, I have had several placements where the moms are determined to get their kids back and work really hard at it. They enjoy their visits and shed tears and don't want to leave when the time is up. I diligently worked with these individuals and have contact with some still today. The only thing I can tell you is to enjoy them and know that you are making a lasting impression on them no matter how small the children are. I do a lot of crying, hoping and praying. I look at them and can't imagine what it would be like if they weren't here. And the hardest thing is watching them grow and flourish thinking that this is their whole world, the one they share with us. Their only world. I will keep you in my thoughts and prayers as I hope you will me. Take care and good luck.:)
My 8 year old foster/adopt son came to live with us in September 2001. We had only met with him 2 times before he was placed with us in a pre-adoptive setting. His parent's rights hadn't been terminated. We were his 8th placement. He was in a pre-adoptive home for 6 months prior to our placement, but that disrupted - parent's were going through the empty nest syndrome and didn't realize what a handful he was. He has ADHD. He was going on monthly visits with bmom - supervised at the DSS office. These visits were difficult for him. He is a very smart kid, and he knew his bmom wasn't doing all the things she was supposed to do - parenting classes, domestic violence support, etc. to get him back.
He had been in the system since he was 2 years old. It was at that time that he was removed from her care as his 9 month old sister was murdered by bmom's boyfriend. She was sent to prison for accessory and he had to visit her there once a month. He also has an older sister who lives with her bdad (not the same father). There was also another child who died at 2 years old - supposedly SIDS.
Anyway, the court finally terminated parent's rights. We have an open adoption agreement with bmom - 2 visits a year. Agreement with bdad (whom he does not know and really doesn't want to know) is 1 letter a year. We don't know when we will get the court date for the adoption to be finalized.
At the last visit with bmom everything seemed to be going well. Until the end when she told him we were stealing him from her and that she would never get to see him again - even though we have the open agreement. Unfortunately, she cares more about her feelings than she does his. It has always been about her needs - never her children's.
I guess what I'm trying to say is that it is a long process, and it hurts to see your child go through the emotional hell they go through. DSS knew from the beginning that he would probably never return home. However, he was moved around for six years. All he wants is a family. Since his monthly visits stopped, he has been a different kid. There are still issues - he is very attention seeking, but the last month has been really good.
Just keep in mind that it will hopefully all work out for you and the children in the end.
Melissa
A lot of times Melissa, these kids still don't get adopted-----If his b-mom would have done anything she would have probably gotten him back even though she is probably responcible for killing 2 kids.....
It is hard to foster adopt-----
The kids do need some one though
I would get out of those visits if at all possible (last I heard, California was the one state enforcing open adoption agreements)
He does not need that all his life while he is growing up from either b-parent, he needs to be a kid
Life does get a lot easier after visits are stopped in foster care situations (I fostered for 5 years, I have 3 children through adoption)
I had kids hit, cussed out, and even raped .... on unsupervised visits with b-parents---------
Thanks for the reply, Rinda.
We do have an open adoption agreement with bmom for two 1-hour visits per year - around his birthday and christmas. We are also supposed to send a letter and picture twice a year.
He doesn't ask about bmom. He does get excited around the visits, but only because he knows she is going to be bringing him gifts. I asked him to write her a note to go along with the picture to send, but he hasn't. I'm not going to bring it up again. I will write a short note about how he is doing in school and send a picture.
One good thing about the visits, is that we schedule them, we supervise them, they are on our terms. If we feel the visits are detrimental to him, we can stop them.
So far, it is new for us. He was having monthly visits, but those stopped about a year ago. He has only seen bmom twice - once in October and then again in January. Otherwise he doesn't talk about her. The only thing he talks about is when the court is going to get off their butts and set up a date for the adoption to be finalized.
That's what we are working towards now. We have had some real hard times in the last 1 1/2 years. But for some reason, the last 4 weeks have been wonderful. We are keeping our fingers crossed that we may have many more wonderful weeks, months, and years ahead.
Melissa :D
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Originally posted by Tigger
Dayna came to us at six years old. Her birth mother was in a homeless shelter, and Dayna was also severly neglected. She still has the eating issues, amongst other things to prove it. She did her overnight visits in the homeless shelter, and I was so sickened and amazed that they would do that. Her birth mother was told she had to have a job and a place to live before she could have Dayna back. She made no effort to get a job, and no effort to find a place to live yet they still sent Dayna home to live. Well, homeless to live. She was gone for a year, and she came back at 8 and her birth mother signed off custody and her adoption was final on the same day as Allie's.
I know this is probably unusual by most standards, but I feel I have the right to speak out in defense of myself and my situation...
This was a quote I found in your forum posted by my daughters AMom, a woman who I have alot of respect for but I Feel that I need to debate some of the issues at hand.
The reason I did not make any effort to find a job or a place to live back then was because of the fact that I was in a Discipleship program that the FIA made me go into in the first place and we were not allowed to look for an outside job or residence until we were done with the program which I was not.
As far as Dayna being neglected, if anything she was the opposite of neglected, yes I was poor but she had everything she needed, Love, Food, Shelter...etc. I love that little girl more than myself. After the FIA took her away again after a year of being back with me, I gave her up for adoption because I belived in my heart that her Adopted Parents could do better for her than I could and that I Loved her that much to do that. BMom's do put their hearts and souls on the line by giving up their children, especially children that are truely loved and cared for by them.
Anyhow, I just got to see Dayna in June, the AMom made a special trip through Chicago on her way to Iowa just so I could see Dayna. and for that I am forever greatful, I just wanted to clear up this record.