Questions for Siblings of Adoptees

Greetings, I was wondering if I could hear from some siblings of adoptees. I have a 4 1/2 yr. old daughter and we are considering adopting a 2 or 3 year old. I would be interested in hearing how bio siblings adjusted to an adopted sibling. How they adjusted at the time and also how they look back and see their experience now. I know that there are widely varying experiences, but wanted some food for thought. Thanks for any feedback you can give, Mommamia

I'd like to hear some other experiences in this area as well as we have one child --bio son almost 5.

Wow, thanks so much for your honest insight. There are so many variables aren't there? I guess one never knows in any situation. I hope that others respond further! Thanks again, Mommamia

Our bio son was almost two when we adopted two more boys ages 3 and 4 and then 18 months later added an "unexpected" blessing of a fourth son :) BUSY!!! Our bio son was and is just such an easy going kid ... he was just so thrilled to have brothers that he wasnt jealous or put out - not even from day one. He did however have a harder time (only mildly though) with the arrival of the baby. The first year or so the bio sibs (the two adopted boys) certainly seemed to express a preference for each other (especially three year old for the four year old) HOWEVER that has passed ... now depending on the day and even time of day the favorites vary :) but mostly they all just adore the baby (now almost two himself). Good luck ,.,., evaluate the personality of the exisiting child within your family and the personality of the child coming and GO FOR IT!!! :)

As an adoptee myself, I can't express exactly the feelings of my two sisters (both biological children of my aparents), but I can relay some of my experiences in that mix. I was adopted at just a few weeks of age. My parents had no other children at the time. Well, so they thought. 8 months later my a sister was born. During our toddler/young child years, we obviously didn't understand what "adopted" meant, even though my aparents told me (and her) from before I can even remember. When I was 6, my youngest sister was born. That event actually brought my first sister and I closer together. It was the typical "us against the new baby" scenario. My first sister and I remained very close all through our childhood/teen years. The problems with my youngest sister seemed to stem more from our age difference and her being the youngest child. In typical family arguments she would often throw out the comment "why do you even have a say? You aren't really even a part of this family". Of course that hurt, but I honestly believe she'd have found something else to hurl at me if I hadn't been adopted. Kids, as most of us know, can just be downright cruel to one another. The real change has come since we've all become adults. My youngest sister and I don't fight as much as we did when we were children (of course, living in different time zones helps with that), but we don't talk to one another either. We just don't really have any interest in one another. My relationship with my first sister, however, has really deteriorated. She's become much closer to her biological sister for numerous reasons. Similar experiences with pregnancy, similar attitudes towards child rearing, genetic bond comes into play with family medical, and as they've matured they really resemble one another more in physical appearance and in personality. I'm sure this happens in strictly biological families as well, but I sincerely do notice personality differences more now. We all grew up in the same home, with the same rules, and virtually the same opportunities. My two sisters are very similar to one another in life outlook and attitudes, I'm nearly a polar opposite. The experience has definitely made me reconsider the whole nature vs. nurture debate :) This isn't to say that I don't love my sisters as much as I did when I was younger, or that I have awful relations with them. It's more to point out that sibling relationships change over time. And there are some things that nurture simply can't overcome. My parents couldn't change the fact that I look very different from my sisters, or that my sisters have predispositions for different things than I do...things that aren't always obvious during childhood. I do believe that being the first child in the household prevented many problems. I imagine it would have been more difficult, as a child, to try to adapt to a family who already had biological children. It must be especially difficult to be in the middle age between biological children. Something that would probably help that situation would be to adopt a sibling group. I just think they'd feel less alone. I do often wonder what things would have been like had my aparents adopted another child. Someone who understood the different feelings of being adopted, someone to share those feelings with. It's not something I talked about often with either of my asiblings as neither could possibly understand. Sorry. Long post, but I hope it helps inform the discussion somewhat.

I've been posting here quite a while as a soon-to-be parent but I've never posted as a sister. :) We adopted my brother when he was 5 years old, from foster care. We had a very typical brother/sister relationship growing up. I'm three years older than him so there wasn't a lot of sibling rivalry going on. I have good memories about my brother joining our family and my parents included me in on everything. :)

Mommamia, I was the first child (bio) for my parents. My sister joined our family through adoption when I was 4 years old. She was an infant. There was never a second thought about our adoptive vs. bio status. One of us is bio and one of us is adopted. Period. Two different ways to come into a family. We had adoption books and we had regular how a baby is born books on our book shelves and we both read them both. My sister and I do not live geographically close to each other right now, however, when anyone asks about our thoughts on being bio/adoptive sibs either of us will reply, we are just sisters. That's it. Especially with just the two of us - neither of us know anything else. BTW, I have a 4 y/o daughter (adopted) and am in the process of adopting a 3 y/o boy. Good luck with your decisions, Kalynn

Our oldest (bio) dd was six when we adopted a 3 week old baby girl. That baby girl is now 11. We are now in the process of adopting our son who is turning 10 soon. The relationship between the first two was fine until the younger became a toddler. Then all ****broke loose. They argued about everything; except about being sisters. There was never any doubt that they love each other and claim each other as sisters. In June our son was placed with us. There is a year between the two younger children. The arguing between the two girls has completely stopped...and is now focused on our son! (he deserves alot of it; he can be a little turkey!). Most of the arguing is between the two younger ones. There is alot of power struggle going on, alot of rivalry, and some jealousy. I do see their relationship improving over time. They seem to play together more often now and argue a little less. Our middle child feels that this new adoption is bringing emotions that deal with her adoption back to the surface and she does not like it. She would like to just forget that she is adopted but can't because her brother is in her face pretty much non stop. Our therapist sees the improvements in the childrens relationship and is very encouraged by it. I was not adopted. My siblings and I arguied and fought just as much as our children do. We delt with alot of the same issues associated with having siblings. In our family it is just a fact of life that everyone will just have to learn to get along...adopted or not. I must say...there are very few things in life more beautiful than seeing your children playing together and getting along; it is truly a marvel to behold! We are thinking of adopting one more time (another boy). It will be interesting to see if the two younger ones team up against the newcomer...:rolleyes:

My parents have two biological chidren, my adult brother and myself, and two adopted children, my adult sister and still-at-home brother. My sister came into our family as a foster child when she was two years old, and she was adopted when she was 16. From the first weekend she was with us, she was my sister. Period. She didn't even have to be adopted before she was a sister to my heart. I did rejoice when she was legally part of our family, but it didn't change my feelings one bit. My adopted brother came into our family when he was 18 months, but I was already gone from home and married. The different feelings I have about him are because we never lived in the same home, but he is still my brother and I love him every bit as much as my biological brother. There is just no difference to me. I searched for a thread like this because I have 3 biological daughters and want to adopt a fourth child, a boy. The girls are ages 2, 4, 6 and the boy is almost 2. Anyone have thoughts for me?

In my family there are 2 older boys ( bio), me ( bio) and my sister ( adopted). I desperately wanted a sister and I was thrilled when she was adopted at 6 mos of age ( I was 10). She was kind of like a living doll. I loved playing with her and doing her hair. My mom was a bit older so I think she liked all the " help" I gave to the baby. My sister and I are the closest of my siblings ( even though I look exactly like my brothers). Sisters are sisters and we e-mail or talk on the phone all the time. I can't imiagine not having her. Adoption has not really been an issue in my family as we had lots of adopted cousins and it just didn't matter. My sister recently contacted her Bmom which we all support. If she decided to visit I will likely go with her. My mom has been in poor health lately and needed to live with one of us. My sister volunteered ( she and my mom have always been super close) and she is really the most patient of all of us with mom and I think my mom is happy staying with her and her husband. Anyway--in our case adoption never negatively affected our relaltionship in any way .

I am not a sib but a mommy of 4 bio children and 1 adopted child. Our family blended perfectly and they loved him from the start. As far as my kids were concerned,biology meant nothing to them.( please don't take that as a slam to the wonderful birth parents) ( at the time he came to us, the other kids were 11,9,8 and 7.) We are going to adopt Pauls biological sibling when he/she is born in June, and we know it will be wonderful. Lana Mommy to: Sarah 16 1/2 Joshua Went to heaven when he was 6 months He would be 15 1/2 Daniel 14 1/2 Jordan 13 Timothy 11 1/2 Paul almost 5 and waiting for Hannah or Elijah due in June

Hi there,My name is Rosie Waterfield, and I am a third year Counselling Psychology student at Regent’s University London currently recruiting participants for my doctoral research.I am hoping to promote my research, with hopes that members of the forum may be interested in either taking part or passing on information to a family member.My research is interested in non-adopted siblings’ experiences of their adopted sibling’s search and reunion journey. So far, researchers have explored the experiences of adoptees, adoptive parents, and birth parents in the search and reunion journey. These findings have been invaluable in informing practitioners (such as therapists, psychologists, social workers, and adoption workers) in their work with adoptive families, as well as helping adoptive families to understand the impact of search and reunion on family members.In my reading of the literature, I noticed that no researchers have looked at the search and reunion experiences of the non-adopted siblings (i.e. the biological children of the parents who adopted a child). My research argues the importance of validating each family member’s unique experience, and aims to gain a deeper understanding of the search and reunion process from a new and different angle: through the eyes of non-adopted siblings.This research is also close to home, because my sister is an adoptee. She searched for and reunited with her birth family just under ten years ago, which was a powerful experience for our whole family.Participation would involve a conversation lasting about one hour with me to explore your experience of the search and reunion journey. Travel reimbursement is available, although I am also happy to travel to a location convenient to you.Here is a link to my research website for your reference:The website has further information about the study, ethical approval and participant inclusion/exclusion criteria.Many thanks,Rosie