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I am new to this, so please be patient with my reply.
I have been looking for my bmom for about 4 years, but only for medical reasons for my 3 sons.
You see I am the youngest of 6 kids and the only one that was given up for adoption. My bmom had left her husband and 5 kids to be with another man. 3 months before I was to be born she asked to comeback to the family. Her husband said ok, but I could not be around. So, she gave me up and told everybody including my siblings that I had died. This was in 1965.
Three weeks ago I was contacted by one of my half sisters and we have had a couple of meetings and everything went well. I am going to meet my bmom in a few days for the first time.
I hold no ill feelings toward my bmom, in fact I am grateful that she gave me up for adoption instead of aborting me. I would never had met my wife or had my 3 boys.
Adoption is a great option, but it is something that should not be taken lightly.
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To dynamic 2003
I so feel ya, and you got the guts to write it down. I didn't want to offend the aparents out there but I agree adoption sucks!!
I also went through 3 bad adoptions and because of the system I am left empy handed with no family.
I want to find my birth mother so bad. I'm not mad at her either. I understand she was young and could'nt handle things, but like you, I would never give up my kids.
I was emancipated when I was 17 and had a baby. Never once did I think about giving up my baby because I didn't want her to go through what I went through. A child needs love, not money and when a young girl gets pregnant and says I'm doing whats best for the kid, well they need to think... what's best is for a child to be raised by it's parents, because it doesn't matter how WONDERFUL the up bringing is once you find out your adopted everything changes.
To all the aparents out there:
When you adopt, do so with your whole heart. If you have birth children remember to never treat them better than the adopted child. Never keep the adoption a secret and always be there and support them when they start to search for their birth family. Keep the adoption open and get the information for your new child, because it is in all of us to know where we come from and who we really are.
I was married and had a step child and the bond I had with her was different than the bond I had with my birth children. I don't like labels and so I didn't want the step mother label.. I tried so very hard to bond and connect with her. Needless to say, I am sepperated from my husband and one of the main reasons is that his child is so very special and I could not give her what she needed. Children in this world are so very important and need all the love and support that they can get.
i am a Bmom, i did not abandon my daughter , i gave her a life, i am sorry that your Bmom chose to give u up for adoption , but if it were not for adoption , i am afraid that my bdaughter would have suffered since i was alone and living on the streets, so in your case it may have been abandonment but not in all cases;)
I too am a bmother. When I placed my son for adoption, it was something that my parents told me was the best thing for my son. I had married a different man, that was not his father. His father and I had broken up because I became pregnant. My parents, especially my mother, had thought the best thing for my son would be to place him for adoption, as she thought my new husband may have a hard time accepting him, as he was not too fond of his father. I was naive, confused, scared, and did what I was told to do. I have hurt for the loss of my son every since then. I had to put away all my feelings for so many years, as to not "offend" anyone. My son is now 19years old. I just recently been able to grieve for my loss. Don't misunderstand, I have thought of him and missed him all these years, but it hasn't been until now that I could even talk with my parents, family and friends about the pain I have had all these years. I feel differently from my mother, and I am now mature enough to understand this. I feel if my, now ex, husband had really loved me, had loved me enough, he would have accepted my son. Would have loved him, because he was a part of me. I tried talking with him, to see if he wanted to keep him, but he always said it was my decision. But, I felt so alone, and scared. I had no support and was still young. After the adoption was final, my ex said he would have kept my son. You just don't know the pain I felt....how could he say this NOW!!! But, to be the "good wife" that I was brought up to be, I stayed with this emotionally abusive man for 10 years. Never did we talk of my son. Now, I would love just to know that my son has had a good life and is all right. I hope that he can just forgive me. If there is a chance he might allow me in his life, I would be ecstatic. I tell you all this to let you know that there is pain on all sides. Being a birthmother, I want you to know how sorry I am for your pain. Unfortunately, life is not always a bowl of cherries, and we have to take what we have and try to make the best of it and pray that all will get better. I pray that you get the answers you need to help you get peace.
Every person is unique in one way or another even identical twins. I also believe every adoption is unique. Some adopted children grow up with all the love and joy of a biological child and some grow up in H*LL holes with abusive a-parents.
I also think we would all agree that everyone needs and deserves the right to vent their own PERSONAL frustrations.
You say you want "answers" well honey sometimes those answers just don't exist or if they do it's something you really did not want to know. We each experience life thru a veil of tears be they happy or sad but tears just the same.
You seem to sit in judgement on your b-mothers choices as if the life you have today with all of it's heartaches would have been better if she had just kept you. That is possible but so is the fact that you may have been much worse off. You could have been a crack whore or a senator. The past is gone and nothing we say or do will change it. It is time to move on with your life and stop beating yourself and those around you with your pain. This is not like that favorite pair of jeans you wear till they wear out- this is not pleasant. This need to hang on to something that you had no control over is destructive. Would anything truly satisfy you? What "answers" do you think would bring you closure? Everyone has pain and heartache and abuse. Everyone has felt that feeling of abandonment whether it is from a parent a lover or a friend. There just comes a point in a persons life when the choices others make aren't as important as the ones that we make. I applaud the fact that you would NEVER give up a child for adoption. That is how you feel today but there may be a time in the future albeit a distant future when you may be able to see the other side.
Divorced with a bi-racial child that wasn't biologically from your now ex-husband in the 70's yep that sounds like an ideal place and time to raise a child. I'm sure if your mother had kept you, you would have been a millionaire and president by now. Or maybe not.
The wonderful fantasyland of "what if" but its time to wake up and move on and let go.
This is not an attack but merely another opinion from an adopted child who has recently been found.
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Well I disagree,
My boyfriend grew up in an abusive family life, seeing his parent's use drugs, fight, and and be very controlling. He was even placed in a foster home seperated from his brothers and sister for a short time. Through all the emotional sh*t that he went through, he says that he is so sad for me not knowing who my bparents are. At this time both his parent's are alchoholics and continue to have problems, but he has a relationship with them, and love them very much.
Not to say that he doesn't have emotional baggage of course. But the point is basically when you give up your baby your doing it for yourself... You need to get YOUR life together. You need to
get YOUR self a better job. You need to do this and do that for
YOUR SELF..... NOT FOR THE BABY!!!!
I have 3 kids and when my 3rd baby was born I left an abusive relationship of five years. My youngest child was not even 2 months old... I have no family nothing, and still somehow and only GOD knows, I made it through. We struggle but My kids love me. They may not have all the good stuff in this life, but they have my love, that is all a child needs love. Lots of love
[Edited to Remove Terms Of Service Violation]
Personal attacks on individuals or agencies will not be tolerated. Community Websites are intended to be a positive, safe place for everyone. If you read a post and your views differ please respond in a kind and respectful manner. Some of the situations posted on the forums are complex. Please express your thoughts respectfully in a manner that is helpful and courteous.
[Edited to Remove Terms Of Service Violation]
Personal attacks on individuals or agencies will not be tolerated. Community Websites are intended to be a positive, safe place for everyone. If you read a post and your views differ please respond in a kind and respectful manner. Some of the situations posted on the forums are complex. Please express your thoughts respectfully in a manner that is helpful and courteous.
this post has become a very bitter discussion,, that is so sad,, everyone should be able to post how they feel and not be attacked for their feelings,,, i worry every day that i made a bad decision in giving my daughter up for adoption, i wonder every day if i could have done it alone with no help,, but the past is over and all i have to look forward to is the future and the hopes that my daughter dosent feel the way that the all of you feel about being adopted,,, i also hope that when we do meet it goes good and we are able to work past the past and get on with the present and the future
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Sandra:
I agree with you about this thread. We each have many different feelings, different backgrounds, different experiences. Being able to talk about them openly can be helpful - but not if we engage on attacks on others for their views, or, if we express our views in a way designed to cause pain to others.
Sandra, I'm an adoptee, born to a 17 year old birthmother, with whom I recently made contact. If it helps you to know, I have never felt anything but compassion and respect for her. I had a good life, good parents (though certainly NOT wealthy by any stretch of the imagination -- thankfully!, in my opinion), and I know her choice, and her life since, were probably much more difficult than mine.
Anger is usually self-defeating, causing only more pain, IMO. This is particularly so when we cannot possibly put ourselves in someone else's life and know the thoughts, feelings, choices, and circumstances, and instead tell ourselves stories about what they felt, wanted, could have and should have done, etc.
I choose to believe that my birthmother made a loving and difficult choice that caused her enormous pain, and that she has never forgotten me, or regretted that the circumstances were not different -- yes, partially because I truly believe that is so -- but even if I wasn't sure, I would STILL choose to see it that way because it makes me feel far happier than to try to convince myself of the opposite.
But - I was lucky - I was not abused, unwanted, or unloved by my parents -- I know this attitidue must be much more difficult for those who had enormous unhappiness in their adopted families. I am sorry for everyone's pain - and hope that we can find a way to support and help each other find a place from which we can heal.
Haven't posted here in awhile and just caught up.
Jazmin - Your post is out of line, way out of line. Certainly entitled to your opinions and feelings but a direct personal attack on someone is totally unecessary. Disagree with someone all you want but calling them an idiot, failure, welfare trailer park trash? Yep, out of line. And surely you realize that as an adoptee, ChaosJade does have some knowledge and as much right to voice her opinion on here as you do. She's just on a different side of the triad than you are as you are a bmom. You might be surprised one day to find that your child feels the same way and what will you say then? Call her/him an idiot too?
I pray everyday that my children grow up knowing why it was necessary for them to have a new family. I hope they will never feel the way some adoptees do but if the time comes where they feel unwanted, unloved, angry, bitter etc. towards their bparents or adoption in general, that they never come across someone like you who would only add to their pain.
Crick
If the personal attacks continue, the thread will be closed.
This is the ONLY warning that will be given.
Brandy,
I am so sorry for the way things have turned out in this thread, I never meant to cause any kind of trouble, I just fear that my daughter is going to feel bitter toward me because i did give her up. All of the attacks on each other is uncalled for, everyone feels different, I am new to this site , and my only intention was to find out how adoptees feel toward their birth mothers , and try to get an idea of what i am going to have to face, in both cases, whether she is happy to find me or bitter toward me , I was just looking for some advice.
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Well let me start by saying that I am not angry at my birth mother. Like I said before, I understand that she had her reasons I have no anger towards her or any bmother. I think honestly I just have this thing against adoption in general.
I know that lots of adoptions turn out without any problems, but mine did not turn out good. The feeling of not having a family at all and nobody to turn to hurts me. Searching for somebody brings even more feelings that where deep down. I love this site because so many people share feelings and stories that help me learn and grow.
I have a story that is unique and I will post it tomorrow...
My kids started school today and I have been busy busy busy!!
So if you want to understand me or if you are interested in my story.... well I'll be back.
Good luck to everybody
I was born Jessica K Wallace on 12/27/1974 in Dayton ohio at the Miami Valley Hospital. My bmother Laura Cloud was 15 when I was born. When she turned 18 she left me w/ my grandmother and moved to Florida.
I have been adopted 3 times and the first one was black market through Kettering nurses registry. That is where my grandmother worked. I was placed in Franklin Oh., and my name was changed to Samantha Powell. That placement was to be for only about one year. This is where children services enter my life and I become part of the system. The Powells tell C.H. about Kettering Nurses Registry and they go there to find out what they can. Which actually could all be false... See the office had caught fire and all the files were gone. I was placed in emergency foster care for a short time and then was adopted again. Guess what I also got my name changed back to Jessica but got a new middle and last name.
This family was very wealthy. I traveled to many places. Learned to ski, swim, took classes for everything. On the outside this family was perfect... but for 4 years I was abused physically and emotionally. Have you seen the movie "Mommy Dearest"? Well that is somewhat what I endured. I feel like mine was much worse though emotionally. The sad thing is everybody knew, I was in a private school and my mother would voulenteer just to keep an eye on me. I was taught to do something really well or not to do it at all. I was taken out soccer, ballet, piano, gymnastics. You name it I was in it. Punished for not meeting her expectations. I had two brothers that never got into trouble, they did everything right and I supose I did everything wrong. The family attended therapy to find a solution.
At the age of 8 I ran away. I was on punishment for the night while the parents were out of town. I ran to the neighbor's and told them I was afraid to go home. I thank them for finally doing something. They called the police. The police came took pictures and removed me that instant.
Foster care, phyciatric ward ,and then St.Joseph's. A place for violent children!! I was 8 years old. I should have never been placed there. The expierence was not good. I experienced things things there that were beyond my control. Molestation from other girls. Seeing movies that I was not soposed to see at such a young age. All the things started to get to me. I was not like the other kids there. Yeah we had all been abused and are parents where not around, but I was sheltered. I had spent the last four years in a "christian inviroment" All my stuff was stolen. The kids made fun of me and finally I placed again in another foster home.
I met the most wonderful women.( Joyce)
This lady, though not rich was more of a mother to me than I was used to. We bonded. She had 2 kids of her own and including me, 4 foster kids. Another new situation. Life was moving on and things were ok....
Well here goes more crap, I started to be molested by one of the foster kids. He was 18 and slow. He told me if I told on him I would be in trouble too. This went on for a short period of time and finally I did tell. He was immediately removed but not before he got the crap beat out of him. He was put in prison and it made the paper, which ment I lost all my friends because their parents thought I would be a bad influence. We moved to a new town.
I lived with this lady for 3 years and It was good. She was so nice and sincere.
When I turned 11 C.S. said that they needed to place me in another adopted home. Joyce was temporary. I think the problem was that she couldn't afford the legal ends of the adoption so she had to let me go. It was a bad mistake on C.S.
Placed again and guess what I got another new name. Isn't that GREAT!!!! See as I posted in another post. You ask a child if they would like there named changed, yeah that sounds fun. I can pick any name I want. It's like giving your babydoll a name how fun. I was 11..old enough to know, right?? Wrong.
This last adoption just didn't work because at this time I'm rebelling like mad. Doing anything just to piss you off. Running away, using drugs. I gave up before I even tried. I never gave them a chance to get rid of me, I got rid of them... Thier bson was making sexual advances and when I told, they didn't believe me. So as I'm sitting in the juvenile center I get a visit from Joyce and I tell her everything. They place me there again... Why didn't they just leave me there in the first place???
I started therapy again, but it's wierd cause they found the man that I saw when I was 8. Tom Kotter. He opened my file for me and let me read everything. I saw pictures from the abuse of the 2nd afamily. Just awful. Bruises new and old covering my back and legs. He wrote down addresses for my bmother names phone numbers. He said one day I would find her.
I stayed w/Joyce till I turned 15.. I love her till this day and wished that things would have been different. Finally she said she just couldn't handle me any more.. half way houses drug rehab.. That was actually just something to try because they where running out of places to place me... Lock up for women under age. Scioto Village. It was prison. I had 2 felony charges theft of drugs and falsifacation. 9 months that made me grow up!!
16 placed in my last foster home and was emancipated at 17.
Now at 17 I got pregnant with my first baby. It was at this time that I thought what am I going to do??? I have no family..
Well adoption and abortion not an option and knew what I had to do.
I GREW UP
My life now is good. I have 3 wonderful children a good job... I have a family,something I never really had growing up.
It was like a pattern growing up, every 3-4 years I had a new family a new name, I was so scared that someday I would leave my kids or that they would get taken away from me. I smile now because I know that will never happen.
I post when something touches my heart, when I can relate or if I feel that I can offer good advice. I am sorry if I offended anybody.
Well feel free to commit on this and good luck to all of us searching. Good luck also to the PARENTS out there. Having a healthy and loving family is hard work, but to see the love in your childrens eyes and to see them grow and learn is the most rewarding of all!!!