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I just wanted to share my reunion story with you all. I was adopted in 1974. I have an amazing adopted family and never had any urge to search for my biological family.
About 2 years ago though my birth-mom found me. I was anxious and more than a little apprehensive. I wanted to find out more about myself and where I came from, just like any other adoptee. We met for the first time in 2001 and it was awesome. We were friends, but then there was so much drama behind the reason why I was given up, it was hard for me to accept. Then my b-mom felt she was robbed of being my mother and wanted to become my "mom". I have a mom though my adopted mom is the best and I love her very much, she is wonderful.
As time went by my b-mom and I had our share of problems we argued a lot and she could never understand what it was like for me, and I guess I never understood what it was like for her. The last conversation we had she was very hateful and resentful toward myself and my adopted family she has never met. In the end she told me she wished she would have an an abortion. She continued to tell me what a selfish person I am and how I am now "dead" to her, I live with knowing that she hates me everyday. I have a half-sister who I will never talk to again now either. At the end of the day I feel so bad that it ended the way it did. But I never asked to be born, let alone ask to be given away. She made choices and now I have to live with the consequences of her choices, not once but now twice. There are 2 sides to every story, and I am sure she has her side. But nothing can take away the hateful words she said in our last conversation.
My reason for sharing this story is that I want all adoptees to be careful. I hold a lot of respect for birthmothers. I am in no way trying to place blame on birthmothers I realize how hard the decision to give up your child must be. As an adoptee who has had a nightmare for a reunion, I feel I must ask anyone else who is in the position I was in to protect yourself. My story does not have a happy ending. I live with that everyday, just like I lived with being adopted everyday. Given the choice to do this all, over again I never would have met her, because in the end I was the one who was given up all over again. It is an awful reality to know that I was willfully given up twice in my life. She chose to give me away again. This time though she gave me up with hate in her heart. I am a good person, I come from a good family, but now I question myself everyday.
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I'm sorry to hear about what happened between you and your birth mother. I have to admit, I have a fear of this same thing happening to me. But...I also day-dream of the opposite being possible.
I don't know if I will ever get the opportunity to meet any of my biological family. But...if I do...I hope that I make the right choice. I guess I will have to sincerely pray about the decision before I actually make it.
For myself, I do find comfort in the scripture located at Psalms 27:10 - "In case my own father and my own mother did leave me, Even Jehovah himself would take me up." - I know that no matter what happens with my biological parents or my adoptive parents, I always have a father who loves me, who will never let me feel abandoned or alone.
I hope that you can find your source of comfort as well! Should you need a friend to listen...I am a great listener. You are welcome to email me, anytime.
*smile*
Little Girl Lost
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Stephenie
I am sorry to hear that your reunion went in the wrong direction.
Your bmother's pain should not have been forced upon you like that. Perhaps she would have benefitted from some pre reuinion therapy before meeting you.
She obviously felt cheated at not having you in her life when you were growing up. But she should have understood that she gave you to another set of parents to be loved by and that you would grow up thinking of them as your real parents and family.
Unfortunately, she must have had unrealistic dreams in her head about how you and her would reunite and build a mother-child relationship. She also took extremely over the top hurt and offense when it did not happen.
Sadly, it is her terrible loss as well as yours, she should have been grateful to have any contact with you at all and have the chance to build some kind of a relationship which was mutually comfortable. Not only have you felt abandoned a second time but she has lost you a second time.
I hope one day that you can find a middle ground and re-establish some kind of commuication, if not with her, then with your half-sibling. Do not competely lock the door.
Please, do not question yourself, it is not your problem that has caused this to happen.
Pandora
No matter what your mother said to you, she does not hate you. The problem is the "drama" surrounding the reason you were not raised by you Mom continues to haunt your mother. Her only fault with respect to this is not recognizing she needed to get help in dealing with the trauma and not involve you in it. Mothers who relinquish, search and find really need to be involved in support groups with other first mothers. For any adoptee who is reuniting, you may want to encourage your first mom to find a group she can talk to. These boards do provided some support but there are other more protected groups out there like Firstmothers or Sunflower reunited birthmothers. First mothers reuniting should make sure they understand their emotions and can discuss them with more experienced reunited mothers who are in succesful reunions. There are definitely some do's and don't they need to learn and pushing the drama on their children is a major don't
Kindreds
Lily,
I just wanted you to know that the drama and the trauma isn't about "you", sweetie. It's not really representative of your birthmom, either. It's a manifestation of the times -- the era in which you were relinquished and the circumstances surrounding it......all rolled into the events and feelings and emotions that gathered into that rolling ball over the years.
All the things that go into a reunion have very little to do with the people in the reunion themselves......at least that's my humble opinion. It's more about "forebaggage" ( a term my friend and I coined ;) )
My birthmom denied contact with me altogether......but her life and her circumstances (both before and after I was relinquished) was ALWAYS filled with drama, and as she enters her older years, she seems to have less capability to handle that kind of thing.
I am not excusing the hurtful things your birthmom said -- there is no excuse for it, and it was and is a horrific thing you will deal with forever. It's sad, and I feel for you. I just hope you know it isn't you and that you are a wonderful person. We aren't our birthmothers......we aren't our amoms, either! We are a wonderful package all of our own, and we need to celebrate that!
Hugs,
Sally