I am an adoptee. I searched for bmom for medical history. I never truly thought we would have contact beyond this because I assumed I was a secret. About a year ago I responded to a post that seemed to be a was and I am not a secret. Bmom is ill, (seriously I was originally told) and I didn't want to let this opportunity pass and have regrets later--so I agreed to contact. We haven't met in person yet. We keep in touch via phone/email. I am having some problems/difficulties with some issues in our reunion journey. Bmom freaks out if she isn't in constant contact with me. She calls/emails and if I don't respond as fast as she likes - she calls/emails nonstop until I do. It has gotten to the point, at times, that I feel like I'm being stalked. I've tried to reassure her if she doesn't hear from me for a couple days its only because I'm busy. She's pressuring me to meet face to face and I'm afraid. If she's like this now, what will she be like after we meet? I try to keep her feelings in mind and have empathy for her situation but I don't feel she gives me the same consideration. The times I've made an attempt to explain my feelings, she becomes agitated and defensive and I back away. I've been holding all this in and it's difficult. I cry everyday trying to figure out a way to make this work without hurting her and so I can be true to myself. Her illness and medical history are a mystery. I ask questions and she refers me to other family members. Their answers are vague, at best. I still don't know the true nature of her illness. Everyone keeps telling me I can ask questions again, when we meet. Bmom has had a difficult life and a few family members have indicated that I may be able to help with her care and assist financially. She hasn't asked for money but makes comments about how she could use help. What am I supposed to do about that? I'm thankful for this opportunity to get to know her but it's all so confusing.
I too am a reunited adoptee.....with birthfamily issues as well. BUT.....I do know that through ALL of this you have to STAY STRONG and do what YOUR soul tells you to do......and if it feels TOO much for your bmom to be contacting you that DO need to tell her.......and I know that you'd do it in a caring way......but the way that she handles that is HER issue and NOT yours. You shouldn't sacrifice yourself for ANYBODY else....not even a bmom. I don't know if your bmom has access to a computer but if she does and can use one, I'd recommend a birthmother chat for she can talk to other bmom's who are in the same boat. I still have some fears that my bfamily will suddenly disappear because of something I said, did, or didn't do....although that has lessened during the past year. They say that the first two years of a reunion are the hardest ones...I should be seeing the light at the end of the tunnel then pretty soon. I wish you good luck in your reunion......but DON'T be guilted to do anything that you truly don't or can't do! sal
Reunion should be worn like a lose garment. You are not responsible for your birth mothers issues--financial or otherwise. Guilt is a powerful manipulator, but don't fall for it. It sounds like she has MANY more problems than you can or should be responsible for. You are strangers in that you haven't met but you are related by blood. That in and of itself makes for a complicated relationship. Add the issues you mentioned and it could be a time bomb waiting to explode. I suggest you lay down some ground rules and if she can't follow them, then you have to address that issue. Good luck. You are not alone.
Thanks for the input and advice. I spent a good portion of the day writing an email to bmom trying to explain my need to slow downand take our time in getting to know each other -- hopefully, in a way she will try to understand. I'm waiting (nervously) for her reply.
I've read so many of the posts here - from adoptees rejected by bmom's and bfamilies.....heartwrenching.
I've been given a wonderful chance to get to know my bmom and I'm complaining she wants more contact with me than I'm ready for right now. I sound like such a spoiled brat. And, at the same time, my mind races to thinking - Find out as much as you can, meet her and do it quickly, before she changes her mind and you lose the opportunity. I just hope we all find our way.
I don't believe that you sound like a spoiled brat at all. Reunions should be taken slowly and with caution. You are right to want to slow down, and please don't feel guilt. Proceed at your own pace and try not to let anyone else interfere. There are going to be many emotions involved to take as much time as you need, hopefully things will work out for you. I am a bmom who is in reunion with my 19 year old daughter. She is not quite ready for full contact, so I am giving her the space she needs. If it takes forever I am here. You are entitled to take your time. My prayers are with you!:D S Pete
Hey friend, don't worry about anyone else but YOU. her feeligns are HER problem. Feelings are not facts and it's up to her to check in with reality and up to YOU to set the boundaries that make you feel most comfotable.
Don't forget to get another email address where you can conduct life without having "to dread" opening up your email. Or simply don't open them until you're ready.
You're doing swell considering the world just turned upside down.
You really hit the nail on the head for me, when you said that Sprigit wasn't responsible for her birthmother's issues.
I located my birthmom in January, with the use of a CI, and my birthmom denied contact. In a very long, twisted saga, I later found her myself, living only a few miles from me. I knew my aunt and cousin when I was in high school, so I initiated contact with them -- I wanted to respect my birthmom's wishes to not hear from me again. My aunt wanted to respect my birthmom, so she put me in contact with my cousin. We have had a pretty good relationship thus far, except there has been a lot of secrecy and a lot of shrouded parts of the story I wasn't getting.
She told me up front that my mom had a really rough life....that she grew up in an alcoholic household, got pregnant with me, gave me up, then went on to have my sister a year later, with a different guy, let my grandma raise her for awhile, and then eventually married an alcoholic and had my two brothers. She said my mom cleaned houses, and that her husband rarely worked because of his alcohol problem. My siblings are all messed up -- unstable, alcoholic, in trouble with the law. Thru it all, my cousin kept saying that my mom's children mean everything to her. It sort of hurt, because I AM one of her children, yet she couldn't meet with me or even accept a letter.
TODAY, I was talking to my cousin and she laid on me that the true reason my birthmom couldn't accept contact with me was because she couldn't stand the idea that I had a better life than she had. She had to scrub floors all her life, and she was jealous that I had an easier go of things. She couldn't bring herself to tell her other kids about me because she knew that they would hate her, because they were made to stay and endure, while I was allowed to escape.
You are right, Kasey...I am NOT responsible for her issues, and from now on, I am not going to worry about it. I'm not going to feel bad that the life she gave me has been blessed. I am obviously here for a purpose, and I can't let her feelings take me off the path life's journey holds for me.
You're not acting like a brat, you're adjusting to major life event that you weren't really expecting.
First, when the contact is generated from a non-official source such as an internet connection, I strongly recommend that a DNA test be performed to confirm identities. When one or the other party presents as ill or "needy" I would recommend it even more. The scams run rampant in emotional arenas like reunion.
Assuming this is truly your bmom, maintaining a comfortable level of contact is all that should be expected from you. Her physical, mental or financial circumstances are not your problem to deal with (especially if she is unwilling to talk to you about them directly).
If you want to meet in person go ahead. First time make it a short visit and if you are uncomfortable get a hotel room you can escape as needed.
Good Luck
Reunited Bmom
Then as a fellow adoptee, stop searching for a nonsense fairytale!!! Identity crisis, look in the mirror,simple. Stop the millennial victim attitude.