Need advice regarding open adoption agreement and more.....

Melissa, your post is an excellent example of why Open Adoption is rarely a good idea. Books and articles favoring open adoption stress how much less stressful it is--in the beginning. Later, when the bio mom starts wanting her child back (which is a normal reaction), and when the bio mom disagrees with the way you are raising "her" child (which is a normal reaction), and when the biomom gets jealous of you (which is a normal reaction), she has the ability to strike back. Open adoption bypasses an important issue: the bio mother failed as a mother. It might not even be her fault, but she has failed just the same. Your case worker is giving you good advice: state what you are going to do, and if the bio mom never shows up again, buy your child a present to make up for it. There is no perfect solution, but she needs to be out of his life. And perhaps you should consult a lawyer to help you get out of this.

Emeraldlover and Vince, I hear a lot of judgement, hostility, and presumption here. Assumptions are being made that are not necessarily correct. First, the assumption that bio-mom is behaving inappropriately and deserves to lose her right to visit her child. Her crime is... what? Excessive present-buying? Give me a break. Secondly, the assumption that the child does not actually love his bio-mom or benefit from contact with her, but only loves the presents she gives him. I'm sure he does want a Gameboy Advanced... what ten-year-old doesn't? But I also think that to assume that's ALL he wants is to oversimplify an emotionally complex relationship. Third, the assumption (by Vince) that open adoption is "rarely a good idea" to begin with. Many on this forum (amoms, bmoms and adoptees) can testify to their positive experiences with open adoption. Furthermore, recent studies on open and closed adoption have shown that children in open adoption are growing up to be happier and more emotionally stable than children in closed adoptions. And fourth, the suggestion (by Vince) that this adoption should be closed... depending on which state you live in, it may not be as simple as that. If you live in a state where these agreements are legally binding, you may have to petition the court in order to modify or end the visitation. You will need to show that the birthmother is a danger to the child, and it doesn't sound like you'll be able to do that. The child's feelings and wishes will be taken into consideration as well. If you live in one of the states where open adoption agreements are not legally binding, then I suppose you can close the adoption anytime you feel like it. However, your son will probably still find a way to contact his biological mother, if that's what he wants to do. And when he's eighteen, they can reunite, and there's nothing you can do to stop it. If you truly feel that your son's bio-mom is harming him in some way, or could potentially harm him, then break off the contact. Otherwise, try to work it out. Explain your objections to her. Use a counselor as an intermediary, if necessary. Your son is not a baby, he's half grown. He obviously has some sort of relationship with his bio-mom, and I don't think it would be to his benefit to simply sever that relationship. It would only cause him to resent you, in the long run. Best of luck to all of you, ~ Sharon

I have sat on Melissa's side of the fence, so I understand some of the emotion that she is going through. It's not easy, and you naturally tend to get frustrated and defensive. Still, you try to do what is right for the child. I think that Vince's position is a bit simplistic, and his generalization of open adoption inaccurate. Sorry Vince, but I am personally aware of several open adoption situations that are working out quite well, and there is quite a continuum for this category of adoption that ranges from periodic letter writing and picture sharing to frequent contact and significant involvement in the child's day-to-day life. How's that for a run-on sentence? A general characterization like the one you made is completely unfair. There are definitely individual situations that go bad, and I'm not arguing for open adoption here, but I do take issue with your, well, "bashing" of it. Okay, here, you're just plain wrong. No way to sugar coat it. I'll give you that in the foster care system there's a degree of failure involved, but most birthmoms show a tremendous amount of courage and character. That isn't failure in my book. Your blanket statements are not accurate. Sharon, I am going to disagree with you some here also. I understand that these aren't the two favorite posts you've read this week, but here's my take: What I read in the first post seems to indicate that the issue isn't "excessive present giving" per ce (although my personal opinion is that that is a concern, just like a disneyland dad can make things difficult in a divorce). The problem is erratic and inconsistent behavior on the part of the birthmom, which is having a negative residual effect on the boy and his behavior. If Melissa's perception of things is accurate, this is a very real problem for both her and Mr. 10 year-old. Vince's suggestion that "(birthmom) needs to be out of his life" is premature based on the information we have, but Melissa never said that she wanted to cut things off. She's just looking for help with a difficult situation. I missed the part that expresses or even implies that Mr. 10 year-old doesn't love his birthmom. I did read the part about him feeling like he's getting jerked around. Could be his words, could be mom's. We don't know. I saw the part about the visits being more about presents than visiting, but I think it's too much of a stretch to turn that into "he doesn't love her." Melissa, Seems that you wanted some feedback on what you might do in this situation. I am confused by "in the process of adoption." Is it not finalized? If it is, you're done. The process is over. The process of raising that adopted child goes on and on, of course. I'm going to assume that you are presenting an accurate picture of what is going on. I'm not challenging you on this, but we do have to be careful because, as Sharon perceived, it does seem that this situation is giving rise to a lot of emotion and this tends to put the blinders on a bit. I agree that you should sit down with birthmom and a mediator, possibly the case worker, and re-establish boundaries and expectations. You made an agreement with her and need to make every reasonable, good-faith effort to resolve difficulties that arise rather than changing the terms of the agreement. Yes, she also agreed to set parameters and should be expected to follow them. (Additional issues come in to play if MA has laws that uphold open adoption agreements. I think it was Sharon who posted some great info on this, but I can't remember the thread so I'm not much help there, am I? If there are no such laws, you are in total control. Use the power wisely and mercifully.) Avoid making agreements that you are really uncomfortable with - that's a general recipie for disaster somewhere down the line - but be open to getting outside your comfort zone if it is best for your boy. There may come a point when you've tried everything you could and there may need to be a change in the visitation and interaction, but if you need to go there, go cautiously and with compassion. Get a reliable outside perspective concerning birthmom's behaviors and how it may be affecting your boy. This avoids knee-jerk reactions and the possiblity that you're missing something. Try to include him in the decisions as much as possible, but in the end you are the parent. You might have to decide what is worse, another eight or more years of an emotionally sick relationship (if the information presented is correct, this is not a healthy relationship), or him being mad at you for putting an end to that relationship. Hopefully things will improve and it won't come to that. I hope that this has been helpful.

Briefly, if "Mr. 10 year-old" [cute!] wants contact with birthmom, how would it be if he writes occasional letters to her? That should be with Mom's supervision to help express negative emotions appropriately and such, and maybe from a PO Box, but might afford just the right amount of contact in addition to the twice a year agreement. It would be interesting to see how she would respond. Just an idea. Julie

Hi Melissa, In my opinion :) kids need a stable and reasonable adult in their lives, that's you. They also need to know why they couldn't have stayed with birth mom, he can only get that from her through his experience. We can give our kids the best we can do but there are some things that are beyond our control and maybe need to be. His relationship with his birthmom is one of those things. That doesn't mean that you do not set good boundaries and limits on her ability to impact your lives, but let your son have the truth, through his experience. It won't be your words describing birth mom, he will have to figure it out for himself. My son's bio grandma used to do the same material goods thing. She missed out on a real relationship because she used presents to win him over. When she didn't follow through, there was no deep relationship there to sustain the contact. He has a good understanding of her strengths and weaknesses. He understands that she loves him and why she could not step in and parent. He is ok with that. Follow the agreement and do not get caught up in the drama. Support him through these difficult times. Better to resolve these issues now than have bigger impacts later in life when there is more at stake. Working through these issues is part of what he has to do to grow up to be the happy, well adjusted, balanced man you hope for him to become. :) Best Wishes.