My Relationship with My A-Parents

I don’t. And today, I sit here and wonder why.

First of all, they have two bsons. One is older than me and one is younger. They are very different, but you can see where they got their characteristics from. I stick out like a big, oozing sore thumb.

Secondly, aparents wanted a little girl soooo bad. Well, they are Southern and very conservative, so naturally they want a stereotypical “girl.” I’m not one of those. Never have been. Amom talks about me hating dresses, not liking dolls, etc. etc. I am outspoken and very liberal. I always have been. It has been seen as being rebellious, but it is just who I am. I wasn’t and I am not trying to do opposite of what they want.

We have been fighting with each other since I was about 10 years old. Literally, we can’t be around each other more than a couple of hours before it starts. Dad is a lecturer and simply won’t listen to what I have to say. Since my viewpoint is usually 180 degrees from his, he gets pissed off immediately and I am told I am spoiled, stubborn and won’t listen to anyone. It’s not that I don’t listen, it’s that I don’t agree with his views.

The arguments started with my questioning his view of God. Then it was clothes, boys, money, you name it. It went to religion, politics, issues about interracial relationships, multiracial children (I have 2), etc. etc. He always talks about how he’s just tried to give me the best of things and he doesn’t understand why I don’t appreciate them. AKA, I don’t follow what he says to the “T” and ignore what I feel is right.

My husband tried to get us to have a better relationship with each other. It didn’t work. First of all, when I was pregnant with our first, dad tried to talk him into leaving me and giving our first daughter up for adoption. He told my husband every bad thing I have ever done. Dh refused and now Adad claims to love him and our daughters. My DH now realizes that Adad has never said a good thing about me. Never. And if he actually says “I love you” there’s a “but” behind it. He doesn’t love me for being me.

I have realized that I have not succeeded at things in my life because I have always felt that I was a bad person for thinking the way that I do. This wasn’t always conscious, but it was there. I don’t blame Adad for my mistakes, but I do blame him (and Amom because she never countered him) for making me feel like crap about who I am as a person.

I am finally giving myself permission to dislike my Aparents and my older Abrother. The younger one is fairly nice, but when the crap hits the fan, he blames me for the family’s problems, just like the rest of them.

Up until I was 21, Adad would spank me when he got frustrated. At that point, I told him that if he did it again (when I saw it coming) I was going to hit him back and I did. He never laid a hand on me again.

I haven’t talked to them in about 2 weeks. I know that they are going to finally pick up the phone (usually I have to call them) or e-mail and they will ask why I haven’t called. They will say that I am taking their grandchildren away (the ones they don’t believe should be brought into this world) from them and that I am doing it to be spiteful and hateful.

I am removing myself from their life so that I can move on with mine. I start counseling in a couple of weeks. I am working on a business and supporting my husband’s career as much as possible. My business is one my father said would never work and it’s coming together. I am learning to like who I am and what I believe. Before, I would always say that I did, but there was a lot of unconscious self-hate that led to very destructive behaviour.

The sad thing is, aparents are pillars of their community. All these people tell me how much they love them and how they have touched their lives. Honestly, aparents are the most closed-minded, fake people I know. I sometimes have wanted to scream this from the rooftops. But everyone looks at me as if I should be grateful to them for taking me in as a baby. Yeah, I’m the ungrateful charity case.

Good thing is, I have been in contact with my bmom and her family for over 2 years. They are great. My bdad is dead and he was having an affair (which bmom didn’t realize until it was too late… the reason for my being given up) so I don’t plan on contacting his family. I do want to find out more and plan on doing so, however.

Bmom and her family are very supportive of me, my DH and our daughters. They love and accept us. We are going down there this summer to finally meet face to face but we have been e-mailing, writing, calling, etc. for these last 2 years. I am her only child. They have also added us to their family tree. It feels good to look at pictures and see people who look like me. It feels good to fit in, to hear my bmom say something that I would have said.

I don’t talk to them about my dislike for my aparents. Bmom would feel guilty and that’s not fair to her. She has been so great to allow me back into her life after so long. There was never a moment of rejection, just a few days to tell her husband and sisters about me.

Well, that’s my story. I wish the aparent part was happier. I also wish I didn’t still carry their name as my maiden name.

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Credits: Lisa