This is a hard post to write because I still have mixed feelings about this topic: birth mom visits. In the case of our three youngest, prior to mom’s voluntary termination in July of 2010, they had had weekly visits with her, supervised at the CPS office. At the mediation, we agreed to twice monthly visits until adoption, followed by quarterly visits thereafter, supervised by me or my hubby. We also had a “missed visit” clause; if she missed two consecutive visits for any reason, we could stop the visits all together. Any adjustments or rescheduling was completely at our discretion.
So here we are. I was just reviewing the stats; we saw her in September of 2010, she then missed all her other twice monthly visits prior to the November 19 adoption. Her first “post adoption” visit in December got rescheduled (by her) to January 2011. Then we missed April but saw her in June. During that interlude, our attachment therapist recommended our oldest son stop seeing her; it was very confusing and traumatizing to him.
In June, we agreed to swim at our September visit– which didn’t happen because she was hospitalized. In December, we got a text from her thanking me for pictures, but no mention of the visit scheduled for the following day.
Dear Hubby and I have decided to stop the visits for the younger two, as well. They haven’t seen her since June of last year; seven months is a long time in the life of a 2- and 3-year-old. The 3-year-old would likely remember her and have cellular memory of her, but I don’t think our 2-year-old would remember anything. She never parented him at all and he is very attached to me. I think it would be very odd for them. Our 3-year-old has attachment issues of her own; I don’t believe the visit would help her move forward in any way.
And yet, I feel guilty. I understand the pain attached to adoption– pain that affects them less now but will likely hit them like a ton of bricks in puberty. I suspect their birth mom will be upset, but maybe not. Maybe the reason it’s so hard to get together is that really, she doesn’t want to do it. I am certain it is very painful for her.
The best thing for the kids seems to be to stop for now– but we are willing to consider revisiting the concept when the kids ask for it or are ready for it. Stay tuned.