The Things I Miss

Living without grief and finding peace in the pain.

When I woke up to the snow and ice, I woke with a smile. I dreamed of a friend’s little boy greeting me with such love and genuine joy that it lingers in my heart even now. I realized I miss a lot of things– some of them simple and selfish, some that are impossible.

I miss spring, flip flops, and long hair. I miss waking up in my own apartment, living by my own rules. I miss my queen size mattress.

I also miss feeling important to someone, wanted even. I miss the small hand clasped in mine as we walk to the library. My oldest son’s hand is much bigger and he is much older. I miss reading “Guess How Much I Love You” and tucking my little boy into bed.

More than anything, I miss the opportunities that are overwhelmingly available for those who choose to parent.

I do not miss the fear. I do not miss not knowing where I would be living, and not knowing what would happen.

I have faith, hope, and trust in God that He sees my aching heart and that He fills it.

In placing Jimmy, I gave opportunities up. Yet knowing he is well, confident, and happy brings me a smile that cannot compare. I know he is loved beyond measure, and adored. He brings joy and happiness to everyone around him.

I can’t help but smile when I think of him. His picture is a reminder of the love I have, the courage it took to place him, and the grace of God. Placing him nearly destroyed me, but because of it, I was reborn.

From the ashes and tears and sorrows have come joy that fuels me. It has also given me the knowledge that I am so much stronger than I think I am.

Recently I was having a bad day and I was so angry and everything felt impossible. I was walking through depression, and in a moment of sorrow I thought of the sorrow–true deep immovable grief–that used to define my life.

I thought to myself, “If I can get through that, I will overcome this!”

I ask myself now, in the midst of my trouble, what can I change about the situation? Can I do or say anything that could make it better? If I can’t do anything with it at all, I give it up to God and deal with stuff as it comes. Life really is about choices.

My goal is to live without regret and be at peace with humanity. I can love and respect people, even if they upset me. And I can forgive others, even if they don’t deserve it.

Live well and love well. I hope you find the peace and answers you need. Remember, you are not alone.