Why I Celebrate Birth Mothers on International Women’s Day
Adoptee Voices
International Women’s Day is celebrated on March 8th and acknowledges women’s achievements across all backgrounds, regardless of nationality, ethnicity, language, culture, economics, or politics.
How does this relate to adoption? I think we can all agree that birth mothers are exceptional women and should be honored and celebrated every day of the year. Today, however, I’d like to focus on how the triad can honor them on International Women’s Day.
Why Is It Important to Celebrate Birth Mothers on International Women’s Day?
In my eyes, birth mothers are the ultimate superwomen. If you have benefited from adoption in any way, it’s because of a birth mom. There is no greater sacrifice than the sacrifice a birth mother makes.
Speaking as a mother to four, pregnancy, birth, and postpartum are no joke. It isn’t a small or easy choice to place your baby. No matter the circumstances, it is a gut-wrenching choice to make. I can’t imagine being separated for a second from any of my babies when they were just born and for their lives continuing.
From my perspective, a mother’s life circumstances must be very harsh and extreme for her to choose the path of adoption. She never forgets her baby or ceases to wonder if her choice was the right one. It is a massive, massive decision.
Despite what some people think and what some older resources suggest, adoptees never forget their birth mother, even if they were adopted at birth. The connection formed during pregnancy is never fully broken. Adoption is always born of loss.
For adoption to exist, a child has to be removed from their family in order to be placed into their forever family. As joyous and wonderful as this can be, it is still a difficult and traumatic beginning for adoptees.
Practical Ways to Celebrate Birth Mothers on International Women’s Day
If you are an adoptive parent in any kind of an open adoption, send your child’s birth mother a text or letter. Let them know that you think they are an exceptional woman—because they are!
Send them a video of your child wishing them a happy International Women’s Day or telling them how wonderful they think they are. You could send a gift via Amazon or have flowers delivered to their house.
If your adoption is closed, write a letter to your child’s birth mom. Keep it for yourself or for your child to see someday. Write everything you feel about them. Getting your emotions out via writing is a very healing and practical way to handle things.
If you’ve never met your child’s birth mom, write them a letter to tell them about your child’s successes. Share their attributes and how they’re being raised.
If you are an adoptee, writing a letter to your birth mother that you’ve never met can be very helpful and healing as well. I did this as a 15-year-old who was raised in a closed adoption. I have never reopened the letter all these years later, but at the time, it was incredibly helpful for me when working through tough emotions.
Adoptive parents should acknowledge their children’s birth mother often. Something my parents did right in my closed adoption was always reminding me of how wonderful my birth mother was. They told me at a young age of the great sacrifice she made and they told me about all her wonderful attributes.
Children need to hear positive things about where they come from. It really helps in aiding a healthy, developing self-image.
I hope your family finds a way to honor the birth mothers in your life this International Women’s Day.
Understanding the Adoption Triad
The adoption triad is those that make up adoption: the adoptive parents, biological parents, and the adoptee, or even the biological family, adoptive family, and adoptee.
The term triad comes from the visual representation of a triangle—the adoptive family being at one point, the biological family at the other point, and the adoptee at the third point. This visual helps us remember that adoptees are the center of it all. Learn more about the adoption triad.
The entire purpose of adoption is to benefit the adoptee. Although adoption can answer an unplanned pregnancy for birth parents and infertility for hopeful adoptive couples, the overall purpose of adoption is to do what is best for the child being adopted. Our main focus and biggest goal should always be to raise healthy adopted children into fully functioning, contributing-to-society adults.
Supporting Both Adoptive and Birth Parents
With that being said, the well-being of the adoptive parents and biological parents does need to be considered and thought of throughout the adoption process. In some situations, adoptive parents choose the route of adoption due to infertility. In order to achieve a healthy adoption and healthy parenting practices, hopeful adoptive parents should seek counsel before and after adopting a child.
Adoptees should never feel as if their purpose in a family is to replace a biological child. Even if that isn’t the intent of the parents, adoptees often grow up feeling as if they were just adopted to “replace” the potential biological child. Adoption is a beautiful way to grow a family, but never a means to replace something that never could be. Adoption should be celebrated for its uniqueness.
Potential birth parents should also seek counsel before and after placing a child—counsel beforehand to make sure that placing a child will be the best choice for their lives long term, and after to reconcile with the difficult choice they have made.
For those in need of post-placement care, the Gladney Center for Adoption’s support services provide valuable resources for birth and adoptive parents.
Additionally, adoptive parents may turn to influencers as a resource. Adoption NOW is a podcast that serves as a resource for adoptive parents, offered by April and Noah Fallon.
