I thought I would start this thread for those of us (several of us!) who recently experienced adoption failures. We recently had a failed adoption in February 2004 (after having our baby boy for one week as a newborn), and a failed placement this month when the baby's mother had a change of heart and chose to parent rather than place.
We are back in the "game" but I feel emotionally bruised and battered, and discouraged about the possibility of another match coming through (it took us 9 months for the first one and 8 months for the second one).
Maybe we can be an encouragement to one another as we pick up the pieces and start forward once again ... :o
Stephanie - You are not alone. I feel your pain.
First we have told our agency to put us back out there. We'll never be parents if we give up, so we are praying for another opportunity asap.
Are you back out there?
I find I am dealing with two things. First he was in our lives for 5 wks before we lost him. And for us that was our first experience as parents and it was WONDERFUL!!! So our life feels especially empty now. I guess.... now we KNOW what we are missing...
Second is the loss of hope. After yrs of infertility our hopes of being parents were crushed. So we grieved and prayed and moved forward into adoption. It was GREAT, because adoption gave us renewed hope that we WOULD be parents. Now this, it's hard to find the hope again. Reality SUCKS!!
But we are taking it day by day. We are blessed with a strong network of support from family, friends, church. So that's really helped. I CAN say we feel better today than we did a couple of weeks ago. I still miss him very much, but I find now when I think of him it brings me more smiles than tears!
Thanks for responding. We, too, are back out there but we are moving in May and so the time feels very short for another successful match to come through (it took eight months to be matched last time). I know this is a time of faith-growing. Some days are better than others! This past weekend has been especially difficult because we are approaching the 1-year anniversary of having Caleb and then losing him to a failed placement. I find myself thinking of him more than I have in months, but at least I know why.
I'm glad to know that you are still trying to adopt ... and I hope that soon, very soon, you will have your FOREVER baby in your arms. {{Hugs.}}
My situation does not compare to what the two of you have been through. But just keep hanging in there!! Eventually it will happen! (not that I know for sure since we are still waiting, although recently matched again, after two failed matches) But I have faith. ((((Hugs)))) to both of you! You are in my thoughts......
((SadieAnn)))) Having a baby home for 5 weeks and then having to return him makes me flinch in pain. I can only imagine how you are feeling. My heart truly does go out to you. I hope you know that.
((SeekingtoAdopt))) Remember 3X a charm :) It worked for me. It will for you! Great thread btw :)
((Casey))) good luck on your 3rd match. Keep us posted.
It was not too long ago that I was sitting in some of your shoe's. After two failed placements at birth we were blessed with a phone call, he was born that day, do you want him? Everything so easy and clean cut. Not like my last two failed placements. The agony of the wait, the uncertainty of them placing, the nervousness waiting and seeing, the weight gain trying to deal with my anxiety, and then the devastation when the call comes.
What we have to endure for our children is very much the same as a pregnancy, we carry the emotional baggage and it's VERY hard at times. But I'll tell you one thing I know with all my heart. When your child comes to you, when they are in your arms and everything is right, then the feeling of peace will be so great it will wash away the pain, well most of it :), you'll always think of those babies but you will look at the child in your arms and know, this is the one and you'll be THANKFUL for each failed placement. Trust me, I know it sounds weird, but you will see.
I look forward to hearing all of your stories. The excitement of it all is still ahead of you. As well as the sleepless nights :).
I have to brag for a moment and say that my son is 10 weeks old and he is finally sleeping thru the night. I can't tell you how wonderful that feels. I feel like I whole new person. Life is sweet and all of yours will be sweet too. Hang in there and keep putting one foot in front of the other.
I thought I would join in the fun here. My DH and I are still hangin. It is still hard at times and we do have our emotional spells but we are still pushing thru this trial period until our next match and our miracle of growing our family. I know when it does happen, my dog is going to so jeolous, poor Joey.
If you don't know my story. We have been working the adoption process since Aug 03. We were chosen in Jan 04 and helped out a bmom with her situation for about a week (got her on her feet from living in a Motel with a two year old). Good thing we were in Hawaii when it fell thru. We were then matched with a dear bmom with a severe history of problems resulting from a young age. We worked with her for 6 months and we became good buds every week until the failed placement, about two weeks before the birth. I totally respect her feelings to parent no matter how much it still hurts. I now look at pretty much a completed nursery and all of the baby shower stuff still in their bags on our floor. For, now I just close the door and will not open until I can.
I do from time to time still here from this pbmom, I know when this child was born, her name, her weight and even a picture if you could believe that. There is not a day that goes by that I don't think of them and hope they are making it okay today. They will always have a special place in my heart. I hope that I can have the strength one day when I am on my own with my future family to meet up with her and this child. And I say one day, cause my husband thinks I am nuts.
Anyways, sorry for the long story. I do have alot of support thru family, some friends, spiritual connections and church. I know that my family grow/start when my HF wants it to. I just have faith that it will and just enjoy the time I do have now with my dear Husband and Joey.
I am also attempting to do AI and Adoption at the same time. Maybe I will have two at the same time. Just kidding.
One more thing, this adoption forum is addicting. I can't wait to get on it to feel better about my decision to adopt and to have hope that it will happen. I love seeing all of the successful stories and pics and also the real life problems that I can learn from as I go about our journey. Good Luck to you all. Everyone here is an inspiration to me as we cope and live.
I just wanted to say that my heart goes out to any of you who have had a failed adoption. I know how much it hurts. I also know that a wide range of emotions runs through each of you and please know this is normal. Please, never give up hope!
My husband and I were in your shoes with a failed placement over four years ago. It was a very difficult time. Fifteen months later our son was placed in our arms through a successful placement. We know the pain that all of you are going through and want to let you know if you stay dilligent it will happen. Having our son placed in our arms did not completely remove the pain of the loss we suffered previously, but it does lessen. We think of the little girl we lost occassionally and wonder how she is doing and what she looks like. We are very thankful for our son and he is a very special boy and we are grateful to his birthmother for trusting us to place him with us forever.
We wish each of you good luck and pray that your babies find you very quickly. It can happen at any time and be very sudden.
Thank you everyone for your posts. In the past four years we have been married we have had two international and one domestic adoptions fail. The most recent was last week after having a precious little boy with us for three days. We spent countless hours with his mother before the birth. She did not call us to tell us he was here until three hours before she was to be discharged. We then took him home. Three days later she called us up and asked us to be his Godparents because she wanted him in our life. I could not believe her question. Shortly thereafter she came to our home very stoned faced, totally emotionless, to take him home with her. She did not state she missed him, wanted him, sorry, thank you....All she asked is if she could call us. I told her no. If she wanted to speak to us she needed to talk with the liaison we were working with through the Gabriel Project or our attorney.
There is not one person in her family in support of her decision. He mother has been amazing through this, trying to encourage her to reflect on her original decision to place him up for adoption. Her mother has been so supportive of us. The BM is 20 years old and has two other young children. She has a job that pays her less than two hundred dollars a month. I really feel for her kids. What triggers someone to change her mind like this? I know some of it is hormones. We cannot have biological children so I will never know what it is like to have a child inside of me and then go through post pregnancy hormones. Perhaps if we would of have had some sort of an explanation from her I would have some sort of an understanding. She simply came into our home placed him in a car seat, listened to what we had to say to her and then left. What's wrong with someone when they have no emotion? I feel angry at her then I feel sad for the life she has decided to choose for herself and her children which then makes me want to help her, but then I could not trust her again.
Thank you to everyone for your posts. You do give me some hope of a child in our future and to get out of bed every day.
I often reply to these posts. I have told this story a lot, but essentially, we had a match last april. Everyone said she was VERY committed. No one saw a potential issue. Her family was very supportive of her adoption plan. The birth and hospital interaction went off without a hitch. In fact, we found her a better hospital, drove her there when she went into labor and spent the entire time with her. I held the baby first, she left the hospital emotional, but reasonable and logical. A week passed. I had my entire family visit (who happened to live in the state of the birthmother) took pictures and fell in love. Out of the blue we got a call ... she wanted him back ...
We had to leave the next day ... drive six hours .. meet her at a Starbucks and HAND HIM BACK. We had no social worker or agency support (different story).
My entire marriage, my husband has never cried and we both were beside ourselves that day ... it was horrible beyond words. The birthmother just nodded at everything we said ... we tried to be supportive and just tell her we loved him and wished him the best and please let us know if she needed anything. It was hard to rise above because I was angry .. but knew she was young and emotiona. She just took the baby and walked away .... I never even checked if she had a car seat. She had to have a teenage friend drive her .. because she didn't own a car.
Anyway, I still weep (as I write this). But, a few months later, we were matched again, we now have a wonderful daughter who is perfect in every way and I can't imagine my life without her.
Please PM me if you want to talk further.