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I'm really really scared to adopt/have a child alone now. I panic over not being able to afford the daily/monthly costs and how I may not be able to emotionally and mentally handle being a single parent (by the way I am 39yr old). Now that I finished the home study and I am officially in "waiting" mode at the agency to adopt, I am struggling with wondering if I should or should not adopt/have a child now. Maybe I'm just being hard-headed in going forward with this even though I am freaking out. I don't know what to do.
Will I regret not adopting? I feel I need more time to decide this but I am already on a waiting list and can't put on hold a 2nd time without starting part of it over. I am scared. I am terrified. What to do???????????? I have had thought about adopting as a single parent for many years, but now that it could become reality, I am petrified, mostly about the monthly costs to raise a child. I'll have to use daycare and I do not qualify for any assistance. I make "too much" even though I make just enough to pay my bills. The only way I can do this is by using my home equity line of credit for the daily & monthly expenses. That doesn't seem like the way I should raise a child, on a loan!!!!
I don't know what to do. If I stop the adoption process, will I regret it?
I am way too scared & have too much anxiety on how to afford daycare, etc. I don't think I should be this scared.
Has anyone else adopted as a single parent and had the same anxiety and concerns as I do?
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I'm with you on looking at being a single parent and being scared. And money is huge.
Since your finances worry you, have you considered getting some expert advice about them? Go to a trusted, recommended accountant or financial planner (someone who can offer completely impartial advice and won't try to sell you a mutual fund or life insurance), present your situation and ask them what they think. They might have some excellent advice, and they can tell you whether your fears are warranted or not.
Also, if living on credit scares you (and it would me), do you have a plan for the future? Do you see your financial situation changing in the coming years? And if not, have you thought about how you might make it change? (For example, getting a different job or moving to a nearby area with a lower cost of living.)
You can do all that-- get advice and take a look at your financial future-- without stopping the process. And then, armed with that new information, if you decide you should wait, you can always put the process on hold and come back to it.
Good luck!
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I definitely had the same anxieties. When my son was placed with me I panicked even more, and was sure I had done the wrong thing. Then when he was 18 months I called my mom in tears that I was a terrible mother and should never have become a parent. I think that is part of parenting.
However, what you say about finances is concerning. I wonder that the agency approved you with your finances the way they are; I had to submit my monthly budget including how I would pay for childcare. Remember that, once you have a child, your taxes will go down due to having a dependent, so you will have slightly more in each paycheck, but not a huge amount. I would suggest taking a hard look at your budget now - are there places you could cut back a bit? Expenses that aren't really necessary, or places you are more wasteful than you might be. Think about what is most important to you, including all the ways you spend your money now as well as becoming a parent. I would never suggest planning on using credit to pay for regular expenses, and then you would also have to figure out how you would pay that back. Using home equity to finance an adoption is one thing, but using it to pay for daycare is something else.
Amen to Ruth's answer. I was just coming here to whine about how awful a mother I am. I am single, 37, and my adopted son was born exactly a month ago today. I feel like an awful, awful mom. I've lost 15 lbs., am sleep-deprived, and the baby is colicky. I spend a lot of time wondering what the heck I've done.
If you do this, you need to make sure you have support of someone. Otherwise, you will go nuts. My mom has the baby today and possibly tonight. He has been crying and colicky and hearing a baby cry for hours on end is absolutely nerve-wracking torture. I know this won't go on forever, but you need someone who can help you when you need an out.
Finances are a big issue. I am refinancing my home and my mom is doing childcare 2/5 of the week for me when I go back to work.
The only thing that helps is remembering my brother and his wife after they had their twins (whom they love and who are great kids). I went to visit him, and he looked haggard and awful and said, "I hate my life. Never do this. This is the worst moment of my life." And those were his bio kids. Now they're all happy, and it all got better 4 months down the line.
That being said, even though I'm going nuts, I wouldn't undo the adoption. I keep telling myself it's just a phase. There are people out there (and on here) who adopt more than one troubled child and make it work. Everything is a phase, and this, too, shall pass.
In the meantime, my sweatpants are so big they're falling off. I might have to pull out my college jeans. Haha. As if I'd actually wear jeans... Sweatpants FTW!
Yes that is what is scaring me, using a loc for daycare. Everyone I talk to keeps telling me to follow my dream & adopt & not worry about money, but how can't I? Why is everyone telling me not to let my finances stop me from adopting? I know my family will help, but I don't want to have to rely on them financially.
jen1974
Yes that is what is scaring me, using a loc for daycare. Everyone I talk to keeps telling me to follow my dream & adopt & not worry about money, but how can't I? Why is everyone telling me not to let my finances stop me from adopting? I know my family will help, but I don't want to have to rely on them financially.
Depending on your family, they may WANT to help you financially. My mom took out the equivalent on a month of my salary from my "inheritance" so I could take an extra 4 weeks unpaid FMLA. She also decided she wanted to do daycare for me. She really felt strongly about this.
The hardest thing about all this, as a single, independent woman, is learning to accept help. You have to. There's no healthy way to do this completely independently.
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Thank you. I know my family wants to help. My brother is offering to pay all adoption fees for me (parents are deceased). I am just so scared now that it is becoming a reality.
eagleswings216
Financially, we struggled for the first several years. I stopped working so we just had DH's teacher salary, and our kids had to be on special formula that was very, very expensive (to the tune of $1200 of a month for both of them). On the surface, it seemed we couldn't afford it. In reality, we cut way back, we let family help us (food, diapers, clothes, etc), and we dipped into some savings. Save up now while you are waiting. Also think about cutting back retirement contributions temporarily while daycare costs are coming out of your budget. And don't forget, you can write off daycare costs on your taxes, plus the dependent credit, so you may get a nice refund for those couple of years.
All said, it is totally normal to be terrified. Becoming a parent turns your world upside down, but if you dream of having kids, don't let that fear overpower you.
Did you feed them Nutramigen? That stuff is crazy expensive. I had to get a special formula, too, but this one was a step down from that. I put an adoption announcement on facebook and then wrote that what I would most appreciate is formula, and I listed the brand. People have been sending me formula cans by mail and I've got enough for at least 7 weeks right now!
MeInIL
I was just coming here to whine about how awful a mother I am. I am single, 37, and my adopted son was born exactly a month ago today. I feel like an awful, awful mom. I've lost 15 lbs., am sleep-deprived, and the baby is colicky. I spend a lot of time wondering what the heck I've done.
Sorry you are going through this. A friend of mine sent me this on facebook recently, and I thought of it when I read your post. Sorry to derail the thread, but do hang in there! I needed it the day I read it, when my son had decided for several nights running that he doesn't like sleeping anymore and therefore won't, and I found myself yelling at him after he hit me in the face and nearly pulled my hair out by the roots, and we all need the reminder sometimes that we are NOT failures.
[url=http://findingjoy.net/dear-sweet-mom-who-feels-like-she-is/]dear sweet mom who feels like she is failing. - finding joy[/url]
Jen - You have received some great advice and I don't really know that I have anything new to contribute but wanted to offer encouragement. It is normal to "freak out"!! Not just normal for adoptive parents, or first time parents or single parents...but at the addition of any new member to the family. My sister and bro-in-law are pregnant with their third and they are a little freaked out. :-)
The money issue is serious and needs to be considered seriously. But if you are like me...as a single woman I found tons of areas to cut back and save money! Less eating out, didn't buy that pair of shoes that I loved but surely didn't need, etc. And as a single mom you won't really be able to hit the movie theatre for awhile LOL. But all those "sacrafices" were nothing when compared to my son or the fulfillment I feel as a mom!!
Please keep us updated!!
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You did get some great advice--both that it's normal to panic but also that the financial situation is disturbing. Children do cost a lot of money to raise, and using credit for daily expenses is never a good idea--if you start out doing that, what's going to happen if there's an emergency, loss of job, your family has their own crisis and can't help, etc.?
You also need to keep in mind that if you are planning on a domestic newborn adoption, many of the women are placing precisely because they don't want their child in a one-parent home that is financially unstable, so your current situation may limit the children available to you.
Have you considered adopting from foster care? There are no fees for the adoption and considerable financial assistance, even after finalization. Only you know what is best for you, but that might be an option you could explore.
ruth74
Sorry you are going through this. A friend of mine sent me this on facebook recently, and I thought of it when I read your post. Sorry to derail the thread, but do hang in there! I needed it the day I read it, when my son had decided for several nights running that he doesn't like sleeping anymore and therefore won't, and I found myself yelling at him after he hit me in the face and nearly pulled my hair out by the roots, and we all need the reminder sometimes that we are NOT failures.
[url=http://findingjoy.net/dear-sweet-mom-who-feels-like-she-is/]dear sweet mom who feels like she is failing. - finding joy[/url]
Thank you, Ruth. You really helped me out today! it was a really rough day. God bless every mom who thinks she's not good enough, and extra hugs to the single mommies out there.
Thank all of you for your advice! It feels good to know that I am not alone with panicking about this. I talked with my family about the expenses and they agreed to help out with what I need so I do not have to use a loan like I was thinking. I will also redo my budget to see where I can cut expenses. I am still having anxiety over this but feeling better after reading your posts. Thank you.
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It is normal, I am married, and my husband helped a lot with baby care, but still...I have to admit that few days/weeks after adoption I was thinking that I have no idea what I am doing and I was completely freaked out. Now my DS is 14 months old (adopted from birth) and we are in process of adopting the second one ...