Advertisements
Advertisements
I am curious as to what other adoptees call their "biological mother."
I try to avoid the term "birthmother" because, for me, it implies that this woman did more than just give birth. I am really at a loss when it comes to adequately explaining this, but I will try. :o The word "birthmother" seems much more intimate, like there is a connection between she & the adopted child, and I do not feel a connection or any feeling of intimacy when it comes to the woman who gave birth to me. If I were in reunion or had developed some kind of relationship with this woman, perhaps I'd feel differently and want to use the word "birthmom" to describe her.
I refer to her as my "biological mother," and I even take small issue with this phrasing. I like "biological" because it simply implies that [in scientific terms] I am a "product" of another living thing. I take issue, though, with the use of "mother." "Mother" is defined as "a woman who has given birth to a child." For ME personally, however, I prefer to define "mother" as "the natural or social female parent of an offspring."
In my situation, my adoptive mom [who I rarely refer to in this way; I generally do not refer to her as my "a-mom" either - I usually just call her "mom!"] is my "natural" and "social" parent. I only have one mom. In regards to my biological mother, the word "mother" - for me - implies that this woman had a hand in "mothering" or "nurturing" me, and clearly, she did not.
What I am about to say is probably going to garner some negative responses, but I am prepared for that and I do not say this with disrespect for biological mother's or father's, nor do I intend to belittle them or claim that they are of no value. For all intents and purposes, in my own adoption situation, my biological mother is really no more than an egg and uterus to me, and my biological father is really no more than a sperm donor. IF - and this is a big if - I were blessed enough to have contact with my biological mother, perhaps I would feel differently and, having had established some kind of connection, [whether it be asking questions & getting answers or having a "friendship" where we sent emails and Christmas cards once and awhile] I would most likely be able to see her as a person instead of an obscure, unimaginable entity. The use of "sperm donor" in reference to my biological father is more fitting - he apparently "casually dated" my biological mother, and she discovered her pregnancy after they had broken up. She never told him that she was pregnant, let alone tell him that she was relinquishing the child that he created for adoption.
All that being said - I know that there are a lot of ways to refer to a biological mother..."birthmom," "first mom," "natural mom," "angel mom," etc. What do you call her, and why?
:eyebrows:
1 Liked
 likes this.
Foggy95
I found and met my "biological mother" in 1996 when MY MOM was dying of breast, bone and brain cancer. I allowed this woman into my life, the lives of my children and she turned out to be the most evil, self centered person I have ever met! Now, all these years later, I refer to her as strictly "Gloria" and not much is said about her now. I have cut her completely out of our lives 4 years ago after she burned me for the final time. I now am in the process of looking for my biological father and my younger sister. I did not have a good relationship with Gloria, so I guess I'm not the right person to answer this.:confused:
Foggy, I hope you have a better relationship with your sister and biodad. I've never met the person that gave birth to me, but I know there are no relationships for me there. I wish you luck in your search for a kind and caring birthfamily. *hug*
Advertisements
I am wondering why the experience of pregnancy is not acknowledged in these discussions. It's as if it never happened - as if, instead, someone went through the mild but temporary discomfort of birth then moved on.
My reality was that I lived with my pregnancy for almost a year, through all four seasons, changing as my baby changed, talking to him, feeling him move about in the middle of the night, and trying to find that place in the world where he would be loved enough. I never had the confidence to realise that place was me; I was too young, and too inexperienced to ward off the manipulations of the adults around me.
But I often lay in the dark in the middle of the night, wondering what to do, and feeling, in a very private and inner way, the life of my baby. He would also have had a sense of the life of me, and I believe that is what he came to find when he came searching for me.
I am not a birthmother, I am a mother. Pregnancy lasts a long time, and we did it together. We also went through the great struggle of birth together. Why is all this minimised or dismissed?
Me and my son are something special to each other and we both want that respected. I am not a farmyard animal, I am a complex feeling person who lost my son, and nothing goes deeper than that. He lost me, his mother, and that caused him deep pain, and that should be honoured too. We are not disposable to each other.
We are not a little blip in each others lives, we are something deep and unique.
sylvieboots
I am wondering why the experience of pregnancy is not acknowledged in these discussions. It's as if it never happened - as if, instead, someone went through the mild but temporary discomfort of birth then moved on.
Why is all this minimised or dismissed?
I think you might consider looking at it from an Adoptee point of view, especially since it was posted here in that support forum. For some Adoptees, what you describe with your son is simply not their reality. Some bmoms don't have the same experience either, for that matter. That's ok. Just as it's ok for you to have your reality.:)
Ah, my mistake. I'm used to posting on a different forum where topics tend to get feedback from anyone with experience of adoption, so you get a myriad of views on a single topic. I'll remove it.
Advertisements
Sylvieboots,
I appreciate your comments on this forum.... I am an adoptee. I fully believe that I have two mothers and two fathers.
I do not discount my mother's struggle and pain. She's never going to come out of the closet and fully acknowledge me, but I know that she loved her baby.
You don't need to apologize or delete. I was just answering your question as to why in this specific thread you might not see more concern given to the bmom. All input is welcomed - it's just not always the same, is all!:)
My biological mother Gloria is nothing but an incubator in my mind. I was adopted at 6 weeks of age, so I only knew one set of parents, until I was 29 and decided to find Gloria. I found her within a week and I've regretted the decision ever since. This woman is probably the most self-centered, hateful woman I have ever met. I thank the goddess every night that the police took me away from her the night I was born. She had her parents raise her son who is 3 yrs older than me, and then there is the younger sister that I have out there, that was placed up for adoption about 2-3 yrs after I was born. I tried to have a relationship with Gloria, but after a few years of me having to do all the work, I said forget it, it's not worth my time or my energy. My mom (the only mom I have) passed away 16yrs ago, so I am parent-less now, but have 5 kids of my own to keep me busy. Gloria no longer exists in my life or my thoughts.
As an mom via adoption, I have struggled with this on behalf of my 2 year old son. I hate titles, so I have struggled. I also know that my "title" for her will have a direct effect as to how my son sees her. Since she is deceased, it really won't matter as to her "feelings" and since his birth dad disappeared, I haven't really considered his feelings as well. (sounds harsh when I print it out!!)
But for my son, I will continue to refer to his family as his brother and sister, his Mimi (bio gramdma) and his birthmom. She never changed his diaper, she never fed him, but she did deliver him healthy and whole. She was his first mom no matter the circumstances.
Advertisements
I think one of the hardest things for many, if not most, humans is trying to find peace in their own minds with their mothers and fathers.
It isn't always easy for me, I know that much. I've found it's important for my own well being.
1 Liked
 likes this.
Ah Crick, thanks. I'm fairly unpractised on this site, so I'll probably stumble about a bit before getting it right.
Just to be clear, I really wasn't asking why more concern wasn't shown to the bmom. I was just really perplexed why the experience of pregnancy seems so often to be erased. After all, it lasts such a long time, is extremely and uniquely close physically, and is a something that both mother and child experience together, whether consciously or unconsiously.
When discussions or descriptors focus solely on the birth (which in itself is an immense experience), I think to myself 'why is the really profound and very obvious experience of pregnancy being erased? Dismissed? Where has that time of shared experience gone?' It feels to me like such a long and important time (I can still remember vividly the feeling of my son's elbow or heel under my ribs, and that was over 3 decades ago!), and so unique and precious to us, but it seems so vanished in the general adoption discourse. Just my thoughts, that's all.
L4R, thank you for your lovely words.
Alabama Mommy, she did feed him. During her pregnancy.
Ah Crick, thanks. I'm fairly unpractised on this site, so I'll probably stumble about a bit before getting it right.
Just to be clear, I really wasn't asking why more concern wasn't shown to the bmom. I was just really perplexed why the experience of pregnancy seems so often to be erased. After all, it lasts such a long time, is extremely and uniquely close physically, and is a something that both mother and child experience together, whether consciously or unconsiously.
When discussions or descriptors focus solely on the birth (which in itself is an immense experience), I think to myself 'why is the really profound and very obvious experience of pregnancy being erased? Dismissed? Where has that time of shared experience gone?' It feels to me like such a long and important time (I can still remember vividly the feeling of my son's elbow or heel under my ribs, and that was over 3 decades ago!), and so unique and precious to us, but it seems so vanished in the general adoption discourse. Just my thoughts, that's all.
L4R, thank you for your lovely words. I am so sorry your mother won't acknowledge you x
Alabama Mommy, she did feed him. During her pregnancy.
When I’m first telling people about her, I say she’s my birth mother and then always call her by her name afterwards - but like you, I have an uneasy feeling about even that term. Like my parents, my birth mother really didn’t want to talk to me about my adoption. (I also don’t think she ever explained why she abandoned my older sister.) The first time I met her, she tried to give me one of the puppies her dog had just had that she didn’t want to raise. Holding any kind of baby that she had put in my arms and then being asked by her to raise it was nearly more than I could handle. We knew each other almost 20 years before she passed. We never became close. I never stopped feeling awkward around her or her three children whom she raised - but I was holding her hand when she took her last breath, which was one of the most profound moments of my life. There’s still so much about our relationship that I’m still processing.
Advertisements
Depends what mood I'm in. Sometimes I'll call her "egg donor", sometimes I'll call her my biological mother.
It's a mixed bag.