My wife is adopted and I don't know how to support her! HELP!

Shelee, I hope that we can both work through our feelings to the betterment of our relationships. My wife and I have had some good talks lately and I am trying to be as honest with her as I can. The biggest problem that I have at this point is that my insecurities are being received by her as a lack of trust. I have tried to assure her that I trust her 100% and these feelings that I have are totally uncalled for, but they are still there and I am working on them. It seems to get a little better everyday and I think that being able to talk to my wife about it is helping.

I know I"m a bit late to this post... I'm going through a very intense reunion with my full brother right now. We just met on the 20th, so this is very new... I've been going through reunions for almost 3 years now. That is when I first found my birth mom... My husband went through a period of jealousy as well, but he has now grown accustomed to the joy of reunion... My brother (J) is in his first reunion.. He reunited with our bmom and 3 half sisters and then me his full sister... I will say our connection has been the strongest so far for me... I've been talking my mom's ear off about him and my asister's ear as well... Luckily, they are all happy for me..His fiance was having some jealousy problems, and she found an article about the partners of adoptees.. I read that and it helped me understand her feelings, as I can never feel what she is feeling because we are on opposite sides when it comes to this reunion.. I also gave her this site, and I really hope that she visits it.. It is completely normal for you to feel this way, but I do hope you know her brother won't replace you. Her heart is big enough for the two of you. :) I promise..I have a total of 9 biological siblings. I have met 7 so far, and I can assure you that my heart still has room for my husband. He is my rock, and he has been with me through the ups and downs.. She will need you there again because I'm sure that there will still be ups and downs. I'm glad you are being so honest with her, and sharing your feelings.. My future sister in law :) did that with my brother, and he got very upset. I told him not to be so upset, and it was good that she was sharing her feelings with him... Me and her also had a good talk that night, and I hope that she knows I don't ever want to replace her in his life.. :) Sorry if that is rambly.. I haven't had much sleep lately! lolGood luck!

What a year it has been getting to know my son.? It will be exaclty a year in a few days since I met my son for the first time after 29 years. I appreciate the support from this forum and I did not believe that a Reunion was roller coaster of emotions until I had one..In the beginning the relationship was very difficult because it was very complicated and emotional draining.There was so much pain in my heart for the loss and for him not bonding with me right away. There were times I regreted the reunion especiall when we had our disagreement and we went for three weeks without talking- that almost killed me.I think every one must prepare them selves for the Reunion by seeing atherapist or reading books. My son called me by my first name and one day he asked me what I want him to call me.My repsonse was anything you want.A couple of months ago he addresed me as mom and has even told me he loves me. We finaly talk once a week by phone and email, texts in between. Our conversations always end with "I love you' and he is comfortable enough to say it first- which took a long time..Initially I emailed him every week and he will take a week to repsond. I worked really hard to maintain the contact after the reunion.My parental rights were stolen from me because I was an immigrant and I knew absolutely nothing and that made things a bit harder for me when he was not openning up initially. I am finally settling in the relationship and don't feel the need to check his facebook 20 times or email him three pages as I did..He looked for me he found me( I had failed) and we want a relationship with each other. I have loved my son they day I felt him in my tummy and it was hard for me not tel him that when we met. I am grateful that he ever gave up looking fo me for all those years.God has been good to us. We will no wwork together to find his bio -father who still has no idea that my son exist.My son want to find his bio dad and I wil help him I have honeslty ansered every question he had and no questions were off limits. It takes work though to build the realtionship. There is nothing in this world that can take the pain of what happened. I am not sure though what questions I should ask about his childhood since we started talking about that. I had not met his parents since they are not aware and I have stopped obsssesing about them meeting me they don't even know I exist. I am not a granny yet and I have to wait acouple of years as he says. As I mentioned we just started talking on the phone we chose one day when we talk. His wife callsl me by myfirst name. I am getting a comfortable and I think it hleped that we met three times in a year. i hope to see him in Summer. So far things have worked out but there is lot of work ahead. I have decided I can not get back the past but I have to build on the future. I just don't know what questions to ask. I have accepted the fact that I will neverr meet his parents.What can I do to learn about him or what questions can I ask.

Please be supportive and it will make your marriage stronger. You need to be there for her when it works out or not.

I am in a reunion with my birthson for 8 months. Take my advice and be really, really patient. I made my family feel completely less important and my husband worst of all even though I introduced them right away. It was like I and the child reverted to childhood ourselves and nothing else mattered but our new relationship. This subsides pretty quickly (within three months for him and just now for me) Now I am even more grateful for my family and their support. Sometimes they got fed up and angry but stuck it out and even went to individual counseling a few times. Just remember not to take anything personally if they do form a relationship. The honeymoon doesn't last forever!

My wife and what we believe is her half brother have resumed texting each other this week. They are planning on meeting each other in about 2 weeks. I am dealing with my feelings much better now. I have come to understand that it is a jealousy issue that I am trying to work through. I feel like I am being pushed aside and that she is focusing on this new relationship more than our marriage. I believe that if this were the other way around and I was talking to another woman outside of our marriage and trying to form a relationship, she would have the same problems with it that I am having. I have no frame of reference to understand how she feels, but she also has no frame of reference to understand my feelings. I am trying to be as supportive as I can, but I have to admit that it hurts me to feel like I am being pushed aside.

I have done a lot of soul searching in the past couple of days and here is my conclusion. I am perceiving my wife starting a relationship with another man that may not prove to be a blood relative as an "emotional affair". It really bothers me that she is getting all excited and giddy about talking to and texting him. I love my wife with all my heart. Her needing to form a relationship with another man outside our marriage makes me feel like our relationship is not fulfilling enough for her. I guess it makes me feel like less of a man, or that what I perceived as a perfect marriage is not the case for her. I am looking for some insight as to how I can deal with this.

Rev, What makes you now suddenly not think he is her brother? Kind regards,Dickons

There is a very good chance that he is her half brother. The problem is that their is a possibility that the person listed on her birth certificate is not her biological mother, but may be that persons sister. People who knew them from their hometown suspected insurance fraud. The person listed on her birth certificate used her insurance for her sister. We have never been able to actually talk to the mother listed, she has hung up and refused to respond to any kind of correspondence. My wife has talked to him about having a DNA test done, but they haven't pursued that yet. I'm probably overreacting, but it just feels weird to see my wife get all worked up by talking to him.

Rev, So he is her FIRST cousin vs her brother, still a close relative...I really think you need to just accept that she needs this. Kind regards,Dickons

Honestly, I've been lurking on this thread since the beginning and I thought early on that this was possibly your issue, but I didn't want to offend you. Whether it's her brother or cousin, it's still a close relative. I have a feeling that if your wife had grown up living with this relative (if it's her brother) or growing up at least alongside this relative (if it's her cousin), you probably wouldn't have as much of a problem. If she was very close with a male relative her whole life, you probably wouldn't think it offensive that she talked to him often, in other words. Perhaps you should seek counseling on that...try to learn how to accept that although your wife did not grow up with this man in her life, it is ok (IMO) to look at her relationship with him the same way that you would if it were a male coworker. It sounds to me like you need to work through the fact that this is not just some other man, it's a relative of hers, just like you have many female relatives. That doesn't mean you wouldn't still have jealousy issues, but at least you might get to a point where you didn't feel like she was emotionally cheating on you with another man. Of course, I have no experience with this type of stuff, so take my thoughts with a grain of salt.

I know that I wouldn't feel this way if she had grown up knowing him. I am trying to work through my feelings and this site has helped me tremendously. It just kind of feels like I'm getting left behind, which I know will not last forever, but after 21 years of being the only man in her life, it hurts. I know that she has done nothing wrong here and I do trust her, but this is putting that trust to a test that I didn't think I would have to take. Thanks for your input.

I think you got my jist, but I meant it is ok to look at this relationship differently than if it were a male coworker...just wanted to clear that up.

usisarah, Yes, I got the jist of it. I had a good talk with my wife this past week where I was able to tell her my feelings and to tell her that I know that these feelings are not justifiable, but present just the same. I told her that I am trying to work through these feelings and needed her help and patience with me. I honestly want to be a part of this process, just don't want to push her away by my reactions to their talks. It is starting to sink in as to just how big this is for her and that I am taking away from her excitement because she fears that I will react negatively. I can only reassure her that I am trying and that I want to go through this with her. Thanks for all the comments, it helps to know that I am not alone in this.

Hi Rev, The birthmom side of me doesn't have much to add, but the wife side does. Everyone needs an emotional break, and it sounds like the two of you do as well. The way I look at it, if I spend all week talking to my husband about my birth daughter, we need to make up for it by doing something completely emotionally positive, completely unrelated to what's stressing us out. You both need time to relax together to build up that emotional marriage bank account. Some ideas: Join a photography (watercolor/massage/tai chi/pottery) class together. The advantage of a class is that there's not too much pressure on the two of you to relate on command, have fun on command, and relax on command. The external stimulation helps keep the conversation going. And she's relatively unlikely to let her reunion story take over a class. Classes are also active, so you're not sitting across the table staring at each other over a meal, trying to figure out what to say. It gives you a break from your emotions, you can learn something new together, and it's still quality time. When I see my husband in a group it reminds me of a lot of the reasons I married him. I like to knit. A couple things my husband does that helps us reconnect is he'll set up a little 'knit nest' for me in his 'man cave' so that I can spend time with him doing what I like to do, and he can do what he likes to do. You could take that a step farther. If she's a crafter, take her to the craft fair and ask her the questions you've sort of always wondered about her crafts. You will also make her the envy of all her friends :) Send her flowers at work! Kidnap her for a nice lunch out during the work week. Take her for a lunch or dinner cruise around a lake. How about to go see a blues band? Or some kind of concert she's be interested in? The museum? I seriously love it when my husband finds a new dive bar to explore. We just like to try a beer at every bar in our city just to say we did. Is there something she's always wanted to learn, or attempt? Make it happen! With you at her side she can do anything <3 I think expressions of love really help get out of the quagmire of sorting out more complicated (and often all-consuming) emotions. It sounds to me like you both could probably use a break. Good luck. I hope you keep us posted.