I had an m/c in early March after DE IVF. Knew we (or I) couldn't go through it again. Signed up with an agency in April. Am in the midst of the home study. Have been seeing an infertility counselor to make sure I'm over the grief of the m/c before we adopt. I usually feel fine, but I have a very low tolerance for any additional stress.
I get really impatient with my husband and we are fighting more regularly now. We never used to fight. He is very loving and supportive -- but if he takes to long to work on the adoption stuff, it drives me crazy. I want to have our home painted -- it's been a long time -- he pushes back on spending (we can afford it).
Will it just pass or do you think we should see a counselor before it gets worse? Has anyone else gone through this with their spouse or partner?
1 IUI, 2IVF, 1DE IVF, 1 MC
04/2012 registered with agency
working on home study
I think youre under an undue amount of stress, and youre trying to control all the things you can control before the homestudy is done.
I know that I also wanted to paint and finish projects etc etc. If I were you, Id let some of it go, and focus on what actually needs to get done.
Youll pass your homestudy without painting Im sure (unless its peeling chipped paint)
It sounds like your husband is on board with this, you should let it happen in its own time.
Sorry it sounds like Im being hard on you, truthfully I was in your shoes not too long back. I pushed and pushed and we argued and argued. In the end, those things that I wanted done didnt matter in the long run, and only caused us grief in an already stressful time.
Good luck to you and God Bless
I am sure that he is going through is own emotions over the losses you have experienced and this is his way of dealing with them. Yes to the counselling and to giving him a break as I am sure he would do for you. He's there for you, but not for the stuff probably. If you want hugs and to talk I"m sure he'll be open to it.
I am sorry for this. You sound just like my DH and I after we got off the TTC merry go round. I was - or at least what I thought I was - acting normal but inside my home my husband could breath wrong and I would I go off.
You are right. You do have to grieve after TTC. I think it can be for different reasons (giving up the thought of having a biological child, a miscarriage, finding out a diagnosis, etc). While I never went to a counselor per se - I did join a infertility support group and now actually took over the group helping with recruitement (making sure people know we are out there if needed) and being the first point of contact.
Some of what you describe sound like a control issue. For me the TTC took so much out of my control that once I got some back (filling out paperwork, calling people, scheduling home study visits) it was something that I fixiated on because I hadn't had it in so long.
This may not be what you want to hear (and I know that MANY MANY others work through it while they are doing the adoption stuff) but my DH and I took a break from it all. We stopped all TTC during the month of May one year and it was January of the following year that we actively started back up and looking for an agency. We focused on living life, careers, and just being free to do whatever. Even still when we decided that being childless had to go and actively started doing the adoption stuff, my DH had to be hounded for his share of the documents. I think that is just the way guys are.
I really hope that I didn't overstep my bounds here or make you feel bad. "been there and done that" is all I am tryingto convey and then give you our personal quicktake.
I wish nothing but the best for you and know that sometimes after the TTC merry go round you are just really raw and anything can aggravate you. It is just like anything else in life, it will pass as long as you allow it to. (And it certainly sounds like you want to and are trying to by seeking guidance). But if something feels off, then maybe you should focus only on YOU for a little bit - doesn't have to be forever, just even a week or two. Feel free to PM me directly if you want more specifics.
First off...I'm so sorry to hear that you're going through this. If you can find comfort in this, just know that you're not alone. I went through that exact same thing with DH when we did our one (failed) round of IVF. I knew after it was over that I couldn't survive another round, and I couldn't put DH through that either. It took me months to get all of the hormones out of my system...and quite frankly, I think my body has never been the same.
DH and I fought more than ever, and I know it was my doing. I had no patience for him because all of my patience was used up on other things that I couldn't control. It ended up making us bicker and fight about the dumbest things. And I often knew when we were fighting that it was ridiculous, but it was like I couldn't stop myself.
I totally agree with allwhohope about taking a break. DH and I did for about a year. It's the best thing we ever did. He's always very level-headed emotionally, but it really gave me time to grieve and sort of get control of myself again.
And the same can be said for my DH. I had to remind him again and again and again to get his documents completed, etc. I'm actually the stickler on the money part, though!! ;) But we still get frustrated with each other during this process. We just have much more patience with each other (or rather, I have more patience with him) now that we took a break.
Of course, every situation is different, and you need to decide what's best for you. I just wanted to let you know what DH and I went through, and the steps we took to get our happiness back.
We've been there, too. Also consider that there are two things happening: the grief of your recent mc and the stress of adoption. While the day to day pain may ease over time (I don't think you ever really "get over it"), the stress of things related to adoption will continue. There is a loss of control, a lot of details to get done, potential heartbreak of a failed match, endless waiting, etc. You need to find a way to deal with the stress of the process that may be different from what you are doing to deal with your feelings related to the mc and infertility.
I was such a stress-ball that at one point during the holidays (which of course only added to the stress), I cuoldn't function and brought my husband down with me.
I just wanted you to know that 7.5 years ago, i could have written almost exactly your post. I had just come through a miscarriage, and i was a basket case. My dh is always my rock, and it was hard to realize he was grieving too. I am so sorry for your loss. I have a lot of amom friends...and i would say 90 percent of them spearheaded the adoption efforts. There have been some pretty funny posts here about how the women dealt with it...mine was locking dh in his office and throwing him scraps of food until he finished his bio. The funny thing was while going thru the hs process, i totally realized how strong our marriage was, perhaps because of the storms we had weathered. Anyway, you have gotten great advice. I just wanted you to know i was thinking of you and dh. And if it gives you any hope, six months after starting the process, dd was born and she is the light of our lives. Hugs to you!
I just wanted to add some background.
We started the adoption process after three failed rounds of Artificial Insemination, and three miscarriages(one at the beginning of the first trimester :() A total of four years of TTC. Im older, so we finally just gave up.
I totally get the stress. And finally, when you ARE ready to move forward, you want to get it DONE. I totally get it.
I think if you pushed him to go to counseling, hed feel cornered. It sounds like your husband is in the same place you are, just not with the same urgency.
Sadly, the process is a hurry up and wait game. Hurry to get your paperwork in so you can start classes, hurry to get your inspections, cpr, livescans etc, hurry to get your homestudy. Then WAIT and wait and wait and wait.
We have our kids, we are now waiting for TPR. and after that we'll either be waiting for the postponed hearing, waiting to see if Mom attempts rehab again (she just tryed and failed last week! After two days.) Wait 6 months so we can formalize the adoption.
Take a deep breath and let it go. Maybe you can complete his paperwork and just have him sign it? Thats what I ended up doing for my husband. I did make him read everything though :-p
Hi LeeLeeB,
I agree with all of the comments. I just want to add that in general, it is very hard on men to watch us cry or be upset/frantic when there is nothing that they can do about it; my husband was so loving and supportive with our m/c and failures acutely, but when my sadness and anxiety lingered, it caused a lot of fights - not because he didn't care but b/c he was anxious that he could not help. If your normal baseline is minimal fighting, then I wouldn't be too hard on yourselves right now. We have pre-agreed upon words that we use when we are fighting and one of us realizes that it is over something stupid - when one of us throws out the word then we can usually calm down and laugh a little at ourselves. If fighting persists, then I think that the Imago therapy technique is a good way to learn better and more empathetic communication and slow things down and fight fairly. The book "Getting the Love you Want" is very helpful. We developed our own shorthand communication version, and just using some of the catch phrases is enough to slow us down or make us laugh.
And, I agree with Tam. My DH would have never gotten the paperwork done on his own. We basically sat down one Saturday and I walked him through the autobiography and questions and typed his answers. I can hardly imagine that we are alone in this... Each of us has different strengths, and so if you are a more efficient writer, then def do his too! ;-)
Anyways, hang in there - you will get all of the paperwork done (it's a pain), and while adoption is not the perfect "cure" for IF, I can attest that it comes pretty darn close! I wish I had made the decision to adopt years ago. It has been such an amazing experience. Hugs and best wishes.
We started the adoption process after three failed rounds of Artificial Insemination, and three miscarriages(one at the beginning of the first trimester :() A total of four years of TTC. Im older, so we finally just gave up.
I meant to say at the END of the first trimester. Not the beginning :(
I think this is really common. We did not struggle with infertility and my husband and I generally don't get into bit arguments, but during the paperwork phase I can remember a pretty significant argument about financing the adoption. My daughter was 4 at the time and she was shocked by it (and as a general rule we don't argue in front of her, but this was an exception).
Hugs to you. You'll get through this. It's an emotional time.