Dear Birth Son,
I used to wish many things for you. From the moment that plus sign appeared, seemingly unwelcome, on the pregnancy stick, I began wishing things for you.
I used to wish for you to have a father who would be reliable. I used to wish for you to have a home where you didn’t have to worry about your next meal. I wished for you to have a life that I could not provide.
That all frightened me.
Then I found your parents. I made an adoption plan. And my wishes for you changed.
They changed into you always knowing where you came from, and being proud of your heritage, through both your birth family’s line and your adoptive family’s.
My wishes changed into hoping you would love me and be proud of what I sacrificed to secure your quality of life.
We are now 6 years post-placement and my wishes evolve with every change in our relationship.
I’m wishing so many things for you this Christmas season, but here are a few that have traversed the years and will continue throughout your life. Whether or not I’m raising you, my heart holds a piece of you. My Christmas Wish for you is simple: I wish you happiness.
I wish you the frivolous type of happiness. The type of happiness that comes from opening a
gift and seeing a toy you’ve coveted for weeks. The inexplicable joy that comes from closing
your eyes and hoping Santa thinks you’re asleep. I wish for your eyes to gleam with joy as you wake your little sister up, whispering as well as a 6-year-old can, that it’s time to open presents. I wish for the type of Christmas I would not have been able to give you, one where you don’t have to worry about things a 6-year-old shouldn’t have to worry about. One that leaves room open in your mind to celebrate Christmas wrapped in the most trivial, adorable, childlike joy.
I also wish for you to celebrate Christmas as a Christian. Your birth father and I never discussed religion. Our relationship was not one of deep conversations. Since marriage was not a healthy option for us, I would not have been able to ensure you being raised in two Christian households. I could teach you all I know, but then send you off to your father’s home for the weekend (or some holidays) and just hope that he didn’t undermine what I had taught you. I found a couple that based their relationship on religion. To me, they have a healthy relationship with Jesus Christ and I knew that you would be taught the important role that He plays in our lives. I wish for you to celebrate Christmas knowing who Jesus Christ is and His humble beginnings.
To wrap it up, I wish for you to feel love this Christmas Season. I wish for you to feel love from your parents, your sister, your extended family, and friends. I wish for you to feel that your birth father loves you, that I love you, and my husband and our children love you. That your birth grandparents love you. I wish for you know that there is love all over the world just for you. You are that special . . . you have always been and will always be. No matter the time of year, we all love you. But especially around Christmas, a time of heightened emotions, I want you to remember that we all love you. I need you to know that no matter what, it has always been about my love for you. Nothing else has ever mattered.
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Merry Christmas, my child. I will be thinking of you and I hope that you have the Christ-centered, joyful, loving Christmas that any 6-year-old could hope for. And many more to come.
Your Birth Mother, Kacey
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