10 Myths About Adoptees that Drive Us Crazy

Liar, liar, pants on fire.

Rebecca Tillou April 15, 2016
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I have been an adoptee since 1 month old. Over my lifetime I have heard and read statements about adoptees that are just, well, downright silly.

Below are a few: 

All adoptees want to know their roots and find their biological family.

Some adoptees have no desire to know or search. The reasons for this differ, depending on the adoptee. Some are simply not interested. Others do not want to rock the foundation they are on with their adoptive families. Some don’t have the means or the time to search.

If you were adopted, then something MUST BE wrong with you. You must have a disorder or a disability.

Many adoptees were placed for adoption because their parent(s) were simply not in a position to provide the life they wanted for them. Many babies are born perfectly healthy, and there was no drinking or drug use during the pregnancy, but circumstances were such that adoption was chosen for the child.

If you were adopted, your birth mom did not love you. That’s why she gave you away.

First of all, a birth mom does not “give her child away.” Her child is not a piece of discarded garbage. My understanding of “giving something away” is giving up something because you didn’t have a need for it anymore. Let me tell you, most birth moms think often of the child they relinquished. Most birth moms will always have a place in their hearts and souls for their child.  They agonize over placing their child for adoption. They give their child more than just a second’s thought. They give them many thoughts, multiple times a day, for the rest of their lives. Most birth moms want to raise their children, but they set their desires aside so that their child can be placed in a supportive, stable, loving environment.

If you search for your biological family, then you don’t really love your adoptive family.

It is an innate desire to want to know who you look like, where you get your quirks from. I searched for my biological family, and I love my adoptive family to the moon and back. I just had this burning need inside me, this nagging feeling inside me every so often that needed to be fed. Many adoptees do not search for their biological roots because they no longer want to be a part of their adoptive family; rather, they search for understanding. Generally a search for birth family has nothing to do at all with the adoptive family. It has to do with biology, with the desire to know the answer to the question, “Who am I?”

All adoptees grow up to have identity and social issues.

Some adoptees do have identity issues and social issues. Some feel that they don’t fit into their families because they are a different ethnicity than them or they don’t like to participate in the same activities. Other adoptees grow up with a strong sense of self and identity. I, personally, do have social issues, but not because I am adopted. For a long time I assumed my social issues were because of being an adoptee, when in fact they were a product of Fetal Alcohol Syndrome (FAS), which I was not diagnosed with until adulthood.

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Rebecca Tillou

Rebecca was adopted as an infant. She found her birth family in May of 2013 and continues to keep in touch with them. Sadly, her birth mother passed away in 1999. She and her husband live in New York and are the parents of two beautiful little boys, Dominic and Nicolas. They also have a German Shepherd mix named Chester. She was recently diagnosed with FASD at 34 years of age. She is currently working with nofas.org and thearg.org to get the word out that there is hope, and that you are never too old to better yourself.

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