We have officially entered the ‘ber months. You know: September, October, November, December. I live in the Midwest: the leaves are changing, the pumpkins are growing, and the temps are dropping. Pumpkin spice everything is everywhere, and spooky Halloween decor is up in the grocery stores. Not too long from now we will be sitting around a giant dining room table at my in-laws’ house chowing down on turkey and discussing things we are thankful for. Not long after that, the Christmas tree will go up, and the hustle and bustle of Christmas shopping will begin. With all these holiday celebrations coming up, I thought it might be nice to go over 3 ways to celebrate your adoptee.
I was born in the late 90’s and placed into my forever family’s home at 6 weeks old. My biological mother had chosen my parents to adopt me just a few weeks before she gave birth to me. Despite having a very closed adoption, I am now in full-blown reunion with my biological mother’s side; my adoptive and biological families are good friends. I have four younger siblings who are adopted, and a grandma who was also adopted. With all the adoption exposure, I have witnessed good ways to celebrate adoption, and some bad. But, today, we will focus on all the positive things we can do for the adoptees in our lives.
1. Adoption Day
Some of you read that and thought “what the heck is Adoption day?” And others know exactly what I’m talking about. The first time I was exposed to adoption day was at a friend’s house in high school. Their youngest child was adopted from China. They celebrate his birthday every year, as most people do, but they also celebrate his Adoption day.
Adoption day is the day that adoptees officially come home and live with their adoptive family. For my friend’s brother, his adoption day was a bigger celebration than his actual birthday party. On adoption day they would eat authentic Chinese food, hang Chinese decor, and listen to Chinese music. The family would tell stories of the day they met him in China, the day he officially joined their family. When I was a teen, living in a closed adoption, I thought this entire concept was strange. But now as an adoptee all grown up, I love the idea. What better way to celebrate adoption and your adoptee than to rejoice over the day they joined your family!
Adoption day parties are so cute and so fun. I also loved how the family included elements of their child’s Chinese heritage on his special day. Even though he was removed from his home country, he is still growing up with his culture.
2. Highlight The Good
Even though my adoption was closed, my parents still had the opportunity to meet my birth family on several occasions. These meetings helped my parents get to know my heritage. Something my parents did right in my childhood was to share the good parts of my birth family. I was always told about all of their talents, and the good things they had accomplished. My parents shared with me some of their physical characteristics, as well as hobbies they enjoyed, and things they were good at. For example, my parents told me about how my birth father was tall, smart, charming, and very talented at piano playing. I began to play the piano by ear at the age of 5. This was a direct talent I got from my birth father, and my parents made sure to tell me that. They always encouraged me to pursue the things about me that were like my birth family.
I think that this celebration can go further than this. Choosing to share with your child about the good parts of their adoption can be a bonding experience. Children can handle a lot of information as long as it is at their level. If you are willing to share about their adoption, they may be more comfortable coming to you later in life with hard emotions revolving around adoption. After all, it is information about them.
Even if a child comes from a very difficult situation or background, there is always something good and positive we can pull from. Kids need to hear good things about where they came from. It builds their self-image, and encourages self-acceptance.
3. Openness and Honesty
Although my parents highlighted the good in my adoption, they never told me anything about why I was adopted. They didn’t even tell me that I was adopted until I was 8 and had figured it out myself. Without going into too much detail, this secrecy made things hard. It was hard for me emotionally, and it caused tension in our parent-daughter dynamic. This tension and hardship could have been avoided in adoption with open and honest conversations. In order for a child to feel comfortable approaching an adult, the adult has to approach them first with honesty.
I know not all adoptions can be open, but all adoptions can have openness. Sharing about hard circumstances, and difficult family circumstances can be tough for adoptive parents. Even for me, a mother of three biological children, I can have a hard time talking with my kids. Just because something is hard, doesn’t mean we should avoid it. Adopted children should be respected enough to be told their history and where they came from. After all, it’s their story, right?
Adoption can be tough. It’s one of those things in life that is so complex. It’s beautiful, it’s messy, it’s difficult, it’s sad, and it is full of joy. One family loses a child so another can gain one. It’s just a tough topic all around to discuss. Despite some of the hardships adoptees face as a result of adoption, adoption should be celebrated. Adoptees are different, in the best way, and they are special.
