As a parent of an adopted teen, you need to understand that adoption may play a significant role in your child’s identity and emotional well-being. Talking to your teen about adoption can feel scary (not unlike so many other topics during this time of life), but it’s essential to have an open and honest dialogue to help them navigate their feelings.
Talking to a teenager about anything serious can feel like navigating through a maze with a blindfold in a car without a map or GPS. You know where you want to end up, but you’re not quite sure how to get there. So, it’s important to approach the conversation with care and consideration.
Don’t worry, you can choose the route you take and how you approach the conversation. By following these three tips you can navigate the conversation with ease and get to your destination in one piece.
Tip 1: Normalize Talking About Adoption
The first tip for talking to your adopted teen is to normalize the conversation. That’s why it’s important to make adoption a regular part of your dialogue. This helps your teen understand that it’s okay to talk about adoption and that you’re available to listen to their thoughts and feelings.
One way to normalize conversations about adoption is to make adoption a regular part of your family’s story early on (that means right out of the gate). Share stories about your child’s adoption story with them. Sharing these stories will allow your child to see that adoption is normal and that they’re not alone in their experience.
It’s also important to be open and honest about adoption from the beginning. Don’t wait until your child is a teenager to start talking about adoption; rarely, if ever, does that end well. Instead, incorporate it into everyday conversations as early as possible. This can create healthy feelings about their adoption story and identity within your family setting and beyond.
Tip 2: Listen and Validate Their Feelings
The second tip for talking to your adopted teen is to listen and validate their feelings. Whether they understand it or not, your child will have a lot of complex emotions around adoption, including, grief, loss, and confusion. It’s your job as their parent to create a safe space for them to express these feelings, whatever they look or sound like, without judgment or criticism.
One way to do this is to ask open-ended questions and really hear their answers. Instead of asking, “How was your day?” try asking, “What’s been on your mind lately?” This can open up the conversation and allow your child to share their thoughts and feelings about many things, including adoption.
When your child does share their feelings, it’s important for you to validate them. This means acknowledging their emotions and letting them know that it’s okay to feel the way they do. For example, if your child expresses sadness about not knowing their birth parents, you could say: “I understand that it’s difficult not knowing where you come from. It’s okay to feel sad about that.”
Resist the urge to make their feelings and comfort about you, no matter how well-meaning those efforts might be. They know you love them, but that love does not negate whatever feelings they may have about their birth parents.
Tip 3: Connect with Other Adoptees
The third tip for talking to your adopted teen is to connect with other adoptees. Your child may benefit from talking to other adoptees who have gone through similar experiences. This can help them to feel less isolated and more connected to a community of people who understand exactly (or have an idea of) what they’re going through.
There are a lot of resources available to help your child connect with other adoptees. For example, you could look for local support groups or online communities. There are also adoption camps and local or national conferences that your child may be interested in attending.
Connecting with other adoptees will help your child feel more comfortable talking about adoption on their terms. It may provide them with valuable insights into their own adoption story. It’s important to remember that every child’s adoption story is unique, and connecting with others can go a long way in helping them better understand their own experiences.
Takeaways to Talk-aways
Talking to your adopted teen can be challenging (we see you, parents of teens), but it’s essential for your child’s emotional well-being, understanding of who they are, and how they fit into this great big world. By normalizing the conversation early, listening and validating their feelings, and connecting with other adoptees, you are setting your child up to better navigate their emotions and develop a healthy understanding of their adoption story.
Remember that every family’s adoption journey is unique and there is no one-size-fits-all approach to talking to your adopted teen. The most important thing is to approach the conversation with empathy, compassion, and a willingness to really listen to your child’s thoughts and feelings.
Your teen may not always want to talk about adoption, and that’s okay too. You should also respect their boundaries and give them the space they need.
No matter how it happens, as a parent of an adopted teen, it’s natural to feel unsure about how to approach the conversation of adoption. It doesn’t have to be perfect (expect that you’re going to get turned around a time or two in that crazy maze). Just remember that you’re not alone, and there are many resources available to help you support your child through their adoption journey.
With time and patience, you can and will learn to help your child navigate their emotions and develop a sense of belonging in their family and community.
