I sat in the NICU holding a beautiful baby boy in my arms. My eyes wet with tears of joy, I did my best to breathe in every sacred moment. Through many miracles we had found each other and just as I had imagined he fit perfectly in my arms. It stands as one of the most beautiful, complete moments of my life. I felt peace and believed the years of ache, tears, and yearnings were over. I was wrong. Adoption did not cure my infertility.
Now if you know my story you know that we had another miracle happen and I got pregnant right away. Let me just clear something up, adopting did not help me relax. Adoption did not allow me to be filled with maternal pheromones that made me more fertile. Years of medical treatments, an incredibly kind and diligent doctor, prayers, perfect timing, medications, shots, loads of luck and one very handsome husband are what allowed me to get pregnant. Adoption did not cure my infertility.
And even now as we try for a little one and my pregnancy test continue to come back negative, I still feel grief. I feel betrayed by a weak body that can’t function properly–a body that prevents my kids from having more siblings and keeps my husband from having a daughter. And yes, the pain is lifted some as I get to snuggle my two miracle boys; they are my world and I am grateful for them. But, I feel like there is one more out there for us and that unfulfilled desire is painful.
Pastor David Platt said, “There is a unique pain that comes from preparing a place in your heart for a child that never comes.” I am not sure it is a pain that will go away in this lifetime, but I do believe that eventually my heart will be healed. It just didn’t heal on the timeline and in the way that I expected. Dr. Martin Luther King Jr said, “We must accept finite disappointment, but never lose infinite hope.”
I had believed that when I became a mom, I would no longer be a woman who wars against infertility. I was wrong. What I became was a mom who wars against infertility, and that woman, well, she is strong and happy and full of hope.