Recently I had the thought: “I wonder what people who are not part of the adoption triad wonder about adoption?” When you’re so heavily involved in adoption, you don’t think about the basics anymore. I turned to Google and typed in “most commonly asked questions about adoption.” I was met with a treasure trove of questions—most of which I haven’t thought about in years. 

As an adoptee, all grown up, big sister to four adopted siblings, granddaughter of an adoptee, an adoptee in reunion with my birth family, and storyteller for Adoption.com, I don’t often think of the basics of adoption. I wear many hats in the adoption realm, and usually the adoption topics I think about now are more personal to my story. I thought it might be fun for me to revisit some of these more commonly asked questions. Today, I am starting with: 

“Do adopted children act like their adoptive parents?”

This question is one of nurture versus nature. It’s the age-old adoption question that stems from . . .

  • Are babies a blank slate? 
  • Do adoptees inherently know they are adopted? 
  • Do adoptees carry characteristics from their birth family? 
  • Is it possible for an adoptee to act like their adoptive family? 

These are just a few of the questions that came to mind in response to the original question, and some of the things we think about when thinking of nurture versus nature. I think the most broad answer to all of these questions is “yes.” 

Nature Vs. Nurture

If you aren’t familiar with the concept of nurture versus nature, let me explain. Nurture is all things impacting a person based on their surroundings. Nature is all things impacting a person based on their biological history. Some would argue that nature is more important and more impactful, and vice versa. In my adoption experience, I think they are equal in impact for an adoptee. 

In my adoption circumstances, I was raised in a closed adoption. I didn’t see any photos of anyone I was biologically connected to until I was 17. I didn’t meet anyone in my birth family until I was 23. Just because I didn’t have that biological connection growing up, it didn’t mean I was out of touch with my natural tendencies. 

I began playing the piano when I was 5 years old. I was able to hear a song and then repeat it without mistake. This was something no one in my adoptive family could do. My entire immediate and extended adoptive family can sing and they love music, but none of them play instruments. This skill that I was showing was 100 percent nature. My biological father was able to play piano from a young age, by ear, with no lessons. In the same way, some of my own children are portraying this ability. The nurture in my life had no impact on my ability to play the piano. However, my adoptive parents saw this as a gift and nurtured the talent. They put me into piano lessons at a young age, and equipped me with every tool to support my skill. Much like a zebra has stripes because it’s a zebra, not because it hangs out with other zebras. I could play piano because I came from a long line of people who could play piano. Despite never meeting these people, I believe I inherited their abilities. 

Just because nature played a huge role in my upbringing, it doesn’t mean that nurture didn’t. My religion and humor are both things I inherited from how I was nurtured. My adoptive father is a very humorous person. His humor is specific to him and his family, and because I was raised with him, I took on his sense of humor. Because I was exposed to his jokes and humor, I took it on for myself. I wouldn’t have this commonality with my adoptive father if I hadn’t been raised by him. I was taught the Christian faith by both of my adoptive parents. I have carried this with me into my adult life and made it my own. If I hadn’t been raised by the family I had, I don’t believe I would have my Christian faith. I am thankful to my adoptive family for teaching me the way to live and by raising me in a biblical way. 

“dDo adopted children act like their adoptive parents?”

I think depending on the circumstances, the answer is, “yes.” Babies are not a blank slate. An adoptee will not fully adhere to who you are and what you like. Even a newborn has a biological history. That will never go away and it never should. 

Adopted peoples’ heritage is special and unique and should be celebrated. However, if you are able to raise your child with love and compassion, they will learn and adapt to your behaviors and may want to be like you. They might inherit your humor, your taste in food, and maybe even some of your hobbies. But, they will carry with them they’re own unique set of physical characteristics from their biology. They may even carry over some awesome abilities from their birth family, too. Being adopted can be such a cool experience because we get the unique opportunity to carry the best of two families with us. 

Adoption should be celebrated. Our nurture and our nature should be parts of us that are held in the highest regard. Adoptive parents can make adoption a good experience by nurturing their adopted child’s nature. If viewed as a positive thing, having both nurture and nature from birth and adoptive families can help an adopted child disover their identityl. Adoption can feel hard and lonely sometimes, which is why I want to encourage adoptive parents to be encouraging and open with their children. 

Your child can and may act like you even if they don’t have a drop of your blood. Children emulate the good they see in people. If they see you acting in love and kindness, they will mimic love and kindness. In the same way that if you mimic stress and anger, they will mimic stress and anger. How great would it be if your child inherited the ability to love from you? What about gaining the ability to be kind to others from you? Or maybe even make it a little less serious, such as the ability and knowledge to eat healthily? 

Parents, you are so impactful in your child’s life. Whether you are the adoptive mom or the birth mom, your child will inherit something from you. Parenting is complex; adoption is complex— much like life. I hope as an adoptive parent you are able to encourage good things in your child so they can carry on the best of their nurture and nature to others.