As an adoptee, adoption has been a hot topic in my life. No matter where I go or what I do, I notice adoption. Sometimes it’s the movies I watch, sometimes it’s the music I listen to, and sometimes it’s just seeing an adoptive family in public.
Lately, it has been heavy on my mind as one of my family members pursues adoption. We have had many conversations about their adoption plans, and, as an adoptee I am so pleased with the way they are doing things. They are doing research, learning about adoption, and listening to adoptee voices. Through their process, I have been re-reminded of the struggles of the adoption process.
I am my parent’s oldest child; because of this, I was able to witness years and years of them trying to adopt again after me. The process isn’t an easy one. So, I want to discuss if adoption is right for everyone (from an adoptee’s point of view).
The adoption process is hard. There is nothing simple about trying to bring a child into your home. This applies to having biological children as much as it does to adoption. This also applies to all adoptions, including foster, private, infant, international, transracial, kinship, and transcultural. I know there are forms of adoption I am missing, but just know that the process isn’t easy however you try to do it.
A few steps in the process could include a home study, interviews, physical checkups, blood work, fingerprinting, background checks, building an adoptive family profile, traveling, and much more. Besides all of the physical work, there are a lot of emotional ups and downs. You can get matched with an expectant mother, get down the line in the process, and then that mother may decide to parent her baby. I really dislike the term failed adoption; a mother raising her own child isn’t a failure. But, for the parents wishing, praying, and preparing for a new baby, it feels like a loss.
The adoption process can also include a lot of waiting. Some families wait years to be matched with an expectant mother. The overall process of home studies, physicals, and filling out mountains of paperwork can take a long time too. To adopt, you must be willing to have an lot of patience.
As a child, I vividly remember my parents going through the home study process multiple times. We would prepare by cleaning our home, doing yard work, and baking cookies. A house that smells like freshly baked chocolate chip cookies is sure to impress a social worker, right? Every home study included an interview with me, all by myself. The social worker would ask things like “Do you want siblings?” “Do you feel safe in your home?” “What kind of rules do you have?” “Do you like school?” “What’s your favorite thing to do?” It was always a little awkward, but after enough home studies, I got used to it. Going through this as a family could sometimes be quite daunting and quite stressful.
Do I think all of these tedious steps should be part of the adoption process? Absolutely. If an expectant mother is considering placing her baby, you have to pass through all the hoops with flying colors! If she doesn’t feel as if she’s adequate for child raising, you sure better be. As difficult as the adoption process can be for hopeful families, it is completely needed and necessary.
Is adoption worth it? Yes! Much like a difficult pregnancy, the difficulties of the adoption process will result in welcoming a child home.
For a pregnant mom, all the sickness, headaches, backaches, bloodwork, doctor’s visits, labor experiences, and postpartum recovery, is worth it.
For the adoptive mother, the home study, the physicals, the background checks, the training and classes, the travel, and the mountains of paperwork is worth it.
The precious child at the end of both unique motherhood journeys is worth the struggle and temporary pain. What a biological mother and an adoptive mother go through can be similar in some respects. Neither journey is easy, but they are both worth it.
So is adoption right for everyone? No. For me personally, at this point in my life, adoption isn’t for me. I have three biological children who I am in the thick of raising. My pregnancies were high-risk and very hard on my body. Despite this, traditional pregnancy and motherhood was the route for me. And because I have first-hand experience of the adoption process difficulties, I know what I would be jumping into.
My husband and I have considered fostering in the future, once our children are a little older. I know that with my adoptee life experience, I could sympathize with an child in that situation. Families who consider themselves ultra-private might not be willing to go through the adoption process. Some consider the process to be invasive. And although it can feel invasive during the process, it’s a totally necessary invasion. There are so many factors that go into pursuing adoption. You really have to be willing and ready for whatever life throws at you through the process.
In my opinion, as an adoptee, I think there is a very special type of person who might consider adopting. In order to adopt, you have to be patient, empathetic, open-minded, and willing to learn. Being a good adoptive parent requires someone who is deeply compassionate. Families truly have to feel called to adopt.
Whether you feel led to adopt because of religion, life circumstances, or an unexplainable calling, it has to be something you really desire. Raising adopted children can be different than raising a child who you give birth to. We are born with our own set of unique challenges. Adoptive parents can better understand what their children are going through by listening to adoptee voices. After all, adoptees are the only ones who know what it’s like to grow up adopted, right?
I hope if you are an adoptive parent you are able to find adoptee voices to listen to. I hope if you are considering adoption, you really figure out your why. Adoption is a beautiful and complex thing, and with patience, education, a listening ear, and a kind heart, you can make a great adoptive parent.
