To say that being an adoptive parent is complicated would be an understatement. Parenting in general is complicated. It’s completely natural to question whether you’re doing things right. Nobody wants to be on the wrong side of parenthood. Every parent wants to know they are doing their best for their child—deep breath. Rest assured—you are not alone.
To better understand the complexity of being an adoptive parent (aka questioning everything you’re doing), you need to do your research, recognize some truths, and debunk some commonly held myths.
Dive into the world of adoptive parenting to help you feel more confident in your role as a parent.
Understanding Adoptive Parenting
Let’s set the stage before we go any further. People who don’t understand adoptees, the adoption process, or parenting may think it’s no big deal. However, adoptive parenting comes with its own set of dynamics and considerations that differ from traditional parenting. The biggest difference? Your child was adopted.
This is a fact that can influence many aspects of their life from their sense of identity and belonging to their emotional well-being. Adoptees often carry emotional issues stemming from feelings of loss, abandonment, or basic curiosity about their biological roots.
Understanding and supporting your child is essential to providing them with the nurturing, secure home they need.
Whether you’re adopting a newborn, an older child, or a teen, understanding their specific needs and experiences is key. Remember, every child’s journey is different, and it’s important to approach adoptive parenting with an open heart and mind.
Dispelling Common Myths
Myth 1: Love Will Solve Everything. While love is most definitely a critical piece of parenting, love alone cannot fix all the challenges your family may face. Adopted children may carry emotional scars from their past—big or small. Patience, understanding, and professional support are a must in helping them heal and grow.
By recognizing your unique role as an adoptive parent, you can better address challenges that may arise, helping you to build a strong and loving bond with your child. Remember, empathy and open communication are key to helping your child navigate their adoption story and embrace their identity with pride and confidence.
Myth 2: Blood is Thicker than Water. The notion that biological connections are stronger than those formed through adoption is outdated. While shared DNA is obviously important and real within families, love, commitment, and shared experiences also build strong, long term family bonds. Just like love, DNA alone does not solve everything. Adoptive parents can create a loving, secure environment for their children just like any biological parent.
At the root, all families (technically) are blended through marriage where two partners come together bonding different bloodlines, values, traditions, talents, personalities, and so much more. Families joined beyond the traditional route of the nuclear family often come under a lot of scrutiny, but they build nurturing environments based on learning from previous experience. Adoption brings in another level of complexity that should be acknowledged and respected beyond DNA: basic support, security, belonging, communication, value, respect, and acceptance.
Myth 3: All Adoptive Children Have Behavioral Issues. Not all adopted children experience behavioral issues just as not all biological children are trouble-free. That’s worth repeating. Not all adopted children experience behavioral issues just as not all biological children are trouble-free.
The truth is that every child is different, and while some may face challenges, others may adapt seamlessly to their new family environment. Many adopted children do experience behavioral issues related to their past and present. By understanding this possibility and addressing it early rather than wishing or hoping it will go away, your child will more likely be able to process their issues in a healthier way and learn the proper coping techniques to help them thrive. If your adopted child exhibits behavioral issues: rather than focusing on the behavior, remember to acknowledge the cause. Children who were adopted did not choose to be adopted, it is a circumstance they must learn to deal with. Be their support system rather than another hardship in their life.
Navigating Open Adoption
Open adoptions and semi-open adoptions, where birth parents and adoptive families maintain some level of contact, have become increasingly common. It can be a beautiful way for a child to understand their background and identity. However, it can also feel very complicated. Not surprisingly, many adoptive parents worry whether they’re doing it right.
Communication is key, so be honest and open with all parties involved. Make sure to establish clear boundaries and expectations from the start. Be ready and willing to adapt as your child’s needs evolve. Also, embrace your child’s extended family. Why? Because open adoption means embracing a broader circle of family members. It’s not a competition between birth and adoptive families. It’s an opportunity to work together for your child.
Building Trust and Attachment
Establishing a strong bond with your adopted child seems like a no-brainer. It’s essential for their emotional well-being and development. Some children may struggle with attachment due to past experiences, but there are ways to build trust over time. You can start by being patient. Building a bond takes time, especially for children who have experienced trauma or multiple placements. Creating rituals and routines helps children feel safe.
In some cases, you may need to seek professional help. And that’s okay, too. If attachment issues become overwhelming, don’t hesitate to seek the guidance of a qualified therapist who specializes in adoption-related challenges.
Addressing Curiosity and Identity
As children who were adopted grow (and they do), they may become curious about their birth family and their own identity. As adoptive parents, there are ways to support and guide them through this process. Honesty is the best policy, as they say. So be honest (and age-appropriate) as you answer questions about their adoption story. Share information that helps them understand their background while respecting their birth family’s privacy.
It’s also okay to celebrate adoption in your home. You can do this by creating an open and positive environment. Celebrate adoption milestones or your child’s adoption story as part of their identity as an individual and a member of your family. Some children, due to circumstances or personal feelings, may not want to celebrate, so to speak. But there are always ways to let your child to acknowledge their life story in a way that is healthy and comfortable for everyone.
Embracing the Rewards and Challenges
Adoptive parenting can be both rewarding and challenging (and often both at the same time). Just remember you are not alone in this journey. Don’t be afraid to seek out support from the adoption community, family, friends, and professionals who can provide guidance and encouragement along the way.
Most importantly, embrace the beautiful and complex uniqueness that is your family. Cherish the bond you share with your adopted child. Remember, there’s no one-size-fits-all approach to parenting and what matters most is the love, care, and the dedication you bring in your role as an adoptive parent. Trust yourself, embrace your journey, and always remember you are both fortunate to be in each other’s lives through the good and hard times. They don’t say “parenting is the toughest job you’ll ever love” for nothing!
