Two years ago I got to see Mean Girls the Broadway musical live for my birthday. I have listened to the soundtrack approximately 500 times, give or take a few. This past year the Mean Girls movie musical came out on streaming and I have watched it three times. It’s served as background noise for laundry, house cleaning, and cooking dinner. It is safe to say I like the musical very much. It’s hilarious and stays more or less with the original movie story but brings it into the present day. My favorite characters are Janice and Damien. If you’re unfamiliar, I recommend renting both the original and the newest version of the movie because it is super fun.
The story is about a girl named Kady who has been home-schooled until she was 16 in Africa while her parents were field researchers. She then comes to the US for the first time and is thrust into a new high school and new life that she struggles to feel a part of. She makes friends with Janice and Damien and catches the eye of Regina George who is the leader of the most exclusive clique in the school.
Janice and Regina have a history that Janice is unwilling to share, but she hates Regina. They hatch a plan to have Kady pretend she’s friends with Regina and her posse and report back to Janice and Damien. Kady ends up betraying everyone by getting too deep into the faux friendship.
In the musical, Janice has a great solo song called “I’d Rather Be Me (than be with you),” that expresses both her rage at her new so-called friend and society in general for their betrayal. In my opinion, it’s the best song in the whole show. My favorite lines are the opening verse:
“So, your best friend screwed you over, acted nice when she’s not nice. Well, I have some advice cuz it’s happened to me twice. Here’s my secret strategy, it always works because the world doesn’t end. It just feels like it does.”
That line has stayed with me for two years. Throughout my life, I’ve been hurt and hurt others so many times. It does feel like the world is ending when someone you trust lets you down.
Adoption and Mean Girls
What does this even have to do with the world of adoption (or even parenting, you ask)? Well, when I was beginning our foster care and adoption journey, I thought there were a lot of people who had my back. I was assured of understanding, and compassion, and that people would be there to help us through the process.
It was a bit of a shock then to discover when we were deep in a crisis with one of our kids that instead of the support we were promised, our family was a victim of gossip. Suddenly, our village was more of a cul-de-sac filled with people as busy and overwhelmed as we were half the time.
I’m grateful for the people who stuck with us and for us. I’m disappointed in those who didn’t; but, as time has muted the worst of the pain, I understand more. Words are cheap. Promises, though sincere, might be unable to be fulfilled in the moment they are needed. That’s life.
I have to remember too, that there were probably times that people were counting on me to show up and I didn’t. I probably had a good reason: a migraine, a sickness, forgetfulness, a child who needed me. I don’t know exactly, I just hope that the people I’ve let down have forgiven me.
So while every character in Mean Girls needs an attitude adjustment, and I hope the clique nonsense has gone away by the time my girls reach high school age, I think there are some important lessons to take away from this admittedly campy, silly, highly-quotable movie.
I hope you understand I’m not telling you to ignore the world or reject it before it rejects you. Sometimes, putting things in perspective helps me not feel so alone. It’s easy to feel like I am the exclusive owner of the feelings of betrayal, overwhelm, and disappointment. My depression tells me I’m not worth anyone’s time or attention. And yeah, that’s mostly bologna. But, also, remembering the relative insignificance of the problem in front of me in comparison to the world at large can help me focus. Yeah, this kid screaming in the middle of the children’s church building is embarrassing, and I’m a little bit afraid of what others might be thinking of us. In the grand scheme of everything, it’s pretty insignificant. I know from past history that we will get through it, even if we come out a little bit battered on the other side.
Adoption is certainly a wild ride for everyone involved. Hopefully it can be one filled mostly with joy and love. For some of us it’s more of a mixed bag. For the kids involved sometimes it’s mostly confusing and they are angry at the world. That’s fair, if I can’t expect myself to understand what is going on around me, I certainly can’t expect the kids to. It’s also unfair to expect people outside our innermost circle to lean into what they don’t understand.
