Guys. I know back-to-school shopping comes around every August. I try to prepare throughout the year; but, typically, if I buy something, my kids are likely to find it and use it up regardless of what I say. So, buying extra markers and storing them doesn’t work because they find them and use them up before they need them for school.
Also, even when schools post the lists in an easy-to-access format, sometimes they update it after I’ve bought everything I thought I needed and I only have 12 cents left in the bank account until payday.
I tell myself every year I will get ahead of these things. I tell myself every year I’ll buy extra just in case. I am, at my core, it seems, a liar to myself. I have never once been ahead of these things—and not for lack of trying. Simply because the universe thinks it’s funny for me to have a nervous breakdown in the back-to-school aisle at Walmart on a yearly basis.
Oh, how I wish I was kidding. Let me illustrate the scene for you. It is one week from Meet the Teacher. Back-to-school supplies are the cheapest they will be—which is great because I need to buy them in triplicate (which will cost roughly all the money we have . . . and then a little bit more).
I have gone to the store thrice to procure the needed items. I do not take the children as a rule because I know them and the second they see shiny new school supplies on the shelf, they are going to insist they need things that are not on the list and I have no time, patience, or money for those shenanigans. However, I needed to go to the store one more time because the list had been updated, again(—or I downloaded the wrong one. . .again. . .maybe).
Anywho, I have two of the kids in the cart because they are probably too big, but it’s easier to keep them contained than it is to have to hear them fuss about being tired and losing them when they get distracted by something shiny. So, two in the cart, one next to me, away we go for some groceries and the last four items on the list of school supplies.
We found everything—except—except: one. orange. plastic. folder. (with brads and pockets.) Now, I understand the teachers choose the colors for different subjects and that they want plastic because it’s sturdier than paper. I know this. The tabs are for keeping papers in order, the pockets for other papers. But for some reason my brain is tired and I have become irrationally obsessed with finding the stupid folder while resenting it the whole time.
I should not resent the teacher who requested the folder or the folder itself, but there we were. I didn’t realize I had spun up to full-blown anxiety attack until my little girl was tugging my hand and reminding me to breathe.
We searched high and low in three different stores before I gave up in defeat. I sent two paper folders in the right color and a plastic one in the wrong color. My was exasperated because, “Gee, mom, can’t you read and see the color is supposed to be orange?”
“No, darling, I had no idea,” I did not say sarcastically while fighting the urge to yell.
I didn’t think it would be folders that did me in. I assumed I’d die of old age, not plastic folder-induced heart difficulties. Alas, my heart was struggling with feelings of stupidity, anxiety, and helplessness.
When I finally talked to the teacher I was assured that paper folders would be fine for now and that they only asked for plastic because paper ones rip easily. So, I basically spiraled for no reason. But, that is the way of anxiety spirals for me. There is usually very little reason to freak out about things that won’t matter in the long run. My kids tend to forget things unless they are big deal things.
I find myself wondering how many times my parents freaked out internally about things they would learn later didn’t matter at all. Did they? My impression is no. But I might not have known what signs to look for. I like to imagine I come by some of this pesky anxiety naturally but maybe not.
I’ve started to wonder what my kids will remember about me when I’m gone. Will they remember the time I cried in Walmart about not finding the right folder or will it simply be another blip on the radar as a weird thing I did when they were young? Oh, how I hope it’s the second thing. I’m not actively trying to damage them.
I try to remind myself that in a year from now it won’t matter that I couldn’t find the right folder color or even the exact shoes my kid wanted to buy during the back-to-school season. I try to remind myself but it’s easy to forget. I think it’s easier for me to get anxious about the little things because they are the things it is easiest for me to control, usually. I can’t control so many things for my kids. I don’t think it’s too much to ask for to fulfill their back-to-school supply list accurately. Unfortunately it turns out that sometimes I can’t even control the little things. I’m learning to go with the flow. I might have it down by the time they graduate high school. The odds aren’t great, but I’m hoping, anyway.
What things send you into a spiral that you look back and find to be silly? Do you go back and explain to the kids what was happening in your head at the time? I’m just now learning to do that. It helps them process when they think I’m being irrational. I hope it teaches them they can share the same things with me in the future.
