There is an emptiness aching in my chest tonight, throbbing and sending echoes of pain through me. It is keeping me awake, and I am at unrest. I was laying in bed thinking about my idea of a perfect day, a perfect gift.

I was thinking about Phoenix. I want to read him a story, to hug him, and to know the joy of his smile beaming back at me. I want nothing more than a moment in time to say hello on this sorrowful Christmas.

I sometimes feel like my heart is missing, and it wanders away to darker places. Today is one of those days.

He is going to wake up and have Christmas with his family, and I will be here, thinking of him and that other Christmas, 5 days before he was born.

It was 2008, five days before his birth, and I saw my dad at the family Christmas and I told him- the man who had never been a real father to me, the man who had hurt me so much- that I forgave him.

I remember the heaviness, the brokenness of that time, the utter loneliness. It is so raw to me right now, and as real as it was three years ago. Yet healing began with that act of forgiveness…

Today I have great friends and family who are supportive and understanding and I am grateful for them. I have so much to be thankful for, yet my heart is mourning another day lost in Phoenix’s life.

I don’t have a tree up or decorations up…it’s not practical, as I am barely surviving in the situation I am in at the moment. If I did, maybe it would feel sacred, maybe it would feel like more than just a day of sorrow.

It’s 2:14 a.m. right now, and maybe, just maybe, I need to sleep so I will feel better in the morning, but right now I could curl into a fetal position and cry.

I am really grateful that feelings and emotions are transitional, but I also believe that emotions are there to teach us.

What does this sorrow revisited have to teach me that I have not already grieved through?

This is what holidays have become in many ways…I try to avoid dealing with things by being busy. It’s the time of year for family, it’s time to exchange gifts and catch up on old times and new experiences.

I think I am going to create a new tradition. I am going to allow myself to mourn and be sad but I will be stronger because I will learn from it. I don’t want to be a victim of Christmas past, and I want to look forward to the future where maybe I can put up Christmas stockings for each of my kids, and make them breakfast, then open presents…

One day, maybe. If anything, I will allow myself to dream. Time does not heal all wounds, but it does make them a little easier to work through.

So with that thought in mind, and with the Christmas spirit intact despite my heart’s heaviness, I want you, my faithful readers, to be joyful today and everyday.

Merry Christmas

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