Adoption is a life-changing decision. As an adoptive parent, you may find yourself facing questions from curious friends, family, and even strangers. If you’re open to it, accepting these questions with grace and providing thoughtful responses can be a great way to educate and share your experience.
Let’s run through five common questions and talk about how adoptive parents can respond in a way that’s both informative and considerate.
“Is the child yours?”
This question often comes from a place of genuine curiosity, but it might catch you off guard. For adoptive parents, transparency and honesty are key. While you always have every right to ignore and move on, embracing this awkward moment can also be an opportunity to share your family’s unique story.
A simple, positive response could be, “Yes, absolutely! We may not share the same genes, but our bond is as strong as any biological connection. Love makes a family, and we are thrilled to have our child in our lives.”
Focus on the significance of love and emotional ties over genetic relationships. This response communicates the depth of the parent-child relationship that goes well beyond biology.
“Why did the birth parents give them up for adoption?”
This one comes from a lack of understanding about the complexities of adoption. It’s important for you to respond with empathy and respect for all involved parties. There are many reasons why birth parents may place their child for adoption and it’s really nobody’s business.
A good response might be, “The decision for adoption is deeply personal, and it’s important to respect the birth parents’ privacy. What matters most is that our child is surrounded by love and care.”
Emphasize the importance of confidentiality and respect for your child’s birth parents’ decisions. Redirect the focus to the present by making sure that your child’s well-being in their family remains the priority.
“Do you love your adopted child as much as you would a biological one?”
This question may come from a place of ignorance about the depth of love in an adoptive family. And by ignorance, I don’t mean intentional rudeness, but rather just a lack of understanding and experience. Responding positively and confidently can help erase any misconceptions. A heartfelt reply could be, “Absolutely! Our love knows no boundaries. And our love for our child is immeasurable—just as it would be for a biological child. Parenthood isn’t defined by biology but by the love, care, and support we have for our children.”
This is a good time to stress the unconditional nature of love, highlighting that the depth of your affection for your child isn’t dependent on biological connections. You can also emphasize the actions and care that solidify a healthy parent-child bond.
“Can you not have your own children?”
This question might come from a lack of sensitivity or understanding about the diversity of family-building experiences in general.
Responding politely and educating without getting defensive is essential. You could say, “We chose adoption as our path to parenthood. There are many ways to build a family, and for us, adoption was the perfect choice to welcome a child into our lives.”
Beyond infertility, families choose adoption for many reasons.
“Will you tell your child they’re adopted?”
This question often comes out of a place of concern about a child’s emotional well-being. You could say something like, “Yes, we believe in open communication and honesty within our family. Our child will always know their adoption story, and we’ll support them in understanding and embracing their unique background.”
As adoptive parents, navigating these questions with patience, empathy, and a positive attitude can help normalize adoption and foster a more inclusive understanding of family dynamics. Remember, your responses can not only educate others but also empower your child by creating a supportive environment where their story is celebrated.
“Do you know anything about the child’s background?”
This question often comes from a place of natural curiosity. However, your child’ background is deeply personal and at the end of the day—it’s your child’s story to share. While sharing some basic information is fine, taking it much further is not necessary and should be saved for when your child is old enough to consent to sharing (if they choose).
So what can you say? “We have some information, but every detail might not be available or relevant. What’s important is that we’re committed to supporting our child as they grow, and we’ll navigate any challenges together.”
Acknowledge the information available while expressing a commitment to support your child regardless of the details known about their background. Emphasize your family’s readiness to face any uncertainties together.
“Will they be curious or want to meet their birth parents someday?”
Again, this question often comes from a place of genuine curiosity. In truth, you may have no way of knowing how your child will feel or what they will want to do so far as meeting their birth parent someday. While some adoptees do choose to learn as much as possible and seek reunion, others do not.
Your response could be as simple as, “It’s entirely possible, and we are open to supporting our child’s curiosity and needs. We believe in honesty and openness and will navigate this journey together, respecting their feelings.”
Acknowledge the potential curiosity of your child regarding their origins. Express openness to discussing and supporting their wish to learn about or connect with their birth parents in the future while emphasizing the importance of honesty and respect for their emotions.
Fielding questions about adoption can be a learning curve for new adoptive parents (and not-so-new adoptive parents, too). Maintaining an understanding attitude while responding to questions can lead to a supportive environment for both your child and your family as a whole. If you are up for the challenge, remember to educate with kindness, make privacy a priority, stress unconditional love, and normalize adoption with confidence.
Remember, every adoption journey is special, and there isn’t a one-size-fits-all approach to addressing questions. What’s important is to prioritize the well-being of your child while responding with empathy, respect, and a focus on the love that forms the foundation of your family.
