Do you remember the early days of Facebook? Everyone had to have a public relationship status: Married, Divorced, Engaged, Dating *insert name here*, or It’s Complicated. Often ,when people ask me about adoption, how reunion is going, or what it’s like to be an adult adoptee, I just want to click the “It’s Complicated” button. Often, I get, “Well don’t you want to adopt? Since you are adopted?” Well… it’s complicated! Adoption isn’t an easy thing to experience or explain. That doesn’t mean that aspects of it aren’t wonderful, but some just aren’t. It truly is complicated. And anyone who is impacted by adoption in any way totally gets what I’m saying. If you aren’t impacted by adoption, but you’re thinking about adopting, I’ll try to explain it to you to the best of my ability. 

Complicated relationship number one would be that of my adoptive parents. I want to preface everything I’m going to say with “complicated” doesn’t mean bad! Let me set the scene for you. My adoptive parents were lovely, Christian people. They were both raised in the church and both raised in big families. They both desired to become parents. They got married a little later in life and quickly discovered that they wouldn’t be able to have a biological child. After a few years of marriage, they turned to adoption. My adoptive mother’s mom was adopted, so adoption was a familiar concept to them. They pursued adoption, and not long after I came along. Here’s the thing though. Simply taking a baby that you didn’t give birth to can be, you guessed it, complicated. I didn’t grow in my mother’s tummy. I wasn’t bonded with her for 9 months. She didn’t experience giving birth to me, or nursing me, or all the things that come with postpartum. I’m still her child, but not through biology. Bonding with a child you don’t give birth to doesn’t always come naturally. And although she did bond with me, it’s not necessarily a naturally occurring event. 

This complicated relationship continued as I grew up. I didn’t have any genetic mirrors as I went through adolescence. Genetic mirroring occurs when a person can look at someone and see similarities in their own face. This is something that is huge in childhood development but taken for granted by people who have it. I was missing this. I didn’t see myself in my parents’ faces nor in their personality traits, habits, likes, dislikes, and so much more. I did have a good childhood and a positive experience in adoption. I was very loved and very well taken care of. I was an only child the first 15 years of my life, and because of this I had everything I ever needed. 

All of this good in my life didn’t negate the lack of biological connection. My first cognitive biological connection was my oldest son. The experience of having a biological connection for the first time at age 20 was unlike anything else I have ever had. Connecting to someone who was related to me was surreal. Having three little kids who look like me, act like me, and like the same things I like is unlike anything I experienced growing up. My relationship with my adoptive parents is still great. Besides the hardships of adolescence, I had a solid connection with them growing up until now. That doesn’t mean that the relationship between an adoptive child and an adoptive parent isn’t one without complexities and complications. 

Complicated relationship number two would be that of the relationship I have with myself. Having been adopted is hard. No matter how wonderful your adoption circumstances are, it can be hard to identify as an adoptee. There are feelings of rejection, betrayal, and being unwanted. No matter how logical I am on the topic, sometimes I just feel unwanted. 

As a teen, I wondered constantly why my birth mother didn’t choose to raise me. My closed adoption and the lack of information fueled my imagination. If my adoptive parents had been more open and honest about the circumstances of my adoption, I could have moved on and accepted it at a much younger age. Open and honest conversations about adoption are crucial for adopted children’s development and peace. I have come to a place of reconciliation with adoption and the way I was raised. I am happy and content in life. If I hadn’t been adopted, I wouldn’t have married my husband, and we wouldn’t have our three kids. Adoption blessed me in more ways than I could have ever hoped for. It was still a long journey to accept and move on from my original circumstances. 

The last complicated relationship would be that of my relationship with my biological family. I reunited with my maternal side three years ago. I have been met with nothing but love and acceptance by all members of my maternal birth family. It has been a really good reunion experience. When we hear adoption reunion stories, some may think that that is the end of the adoption journey. However, this is just the beginning of another adoption chapter. Reunion is joyful and hard, just like adoption is. It is a great joy to meet and be accepted by your birth family. But this love doesn’t take away from the fact that I wasn’t raised with these people. I have two half brothers my birth mom raised. Although I look like them, and connect with them, I will never be bonded to them like they are bonded to each other. They are brothers in the sense that they have the same biological parents and in the sense that they were raised together. I am only their sister because we share a biological parent. I was a missing piece, but I’ll never fully fit into the puzzle. I feel that adoption breaks families to make families. I was yanked out of one puzzle to be put into another. And although it has worked in many ways, I will never fully fit in either. I connect very well with other members of my birth family, but I will never have been raised with them, nearly 23 years of my life was lost with them. And I’ll never get it back. 

Adoption is complicated. The relationships I have because of it, which is all relationships, are complicated. Certain parts of my life will never be “normal”. I have two moms: one who gave birth to me and one who raised me. My adoptive mother will always lack the biological piece, and the biological mother will always lack my childhood. It can be draining to break down these parts of adoption. And although some of this stuff is tough to read, I think it is important. 

Adoptive parents need to read the thoughts and experiences of adoptees. So many things could have been different in my case to ease the pain and confusion. Secrecy is not the answer in adoption. I did have a good childhood, and because of adoption, I have two great families. I am thankful for my experience because I know so many adoptees who have had it worse. That doesn’t mean that adoptive families can’t learn from me and what I have been through in order to be better. Adoption is ever-changing, and ever-evolving. Adoptions are getting better because of adoptive parents who are open-minded and willing to change and learn. Adoptees must be centered on adoption. Adoption is for the adoptee. Despite the complicated relationships of adoption, I hope you feel encouraged by my story and my experience. There is always room for improvement in complicated family dynamics. That includes adoption.