Dealing with Post-placement Feelings

Learning to Accept and Find Joy: A Birth Mom's Tale of Adoption (A Series, Part 3)

Meghan Xavier July 23, 2015
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These are entries I made in my journal for the first year after placing my child for adoption. My hope is that seeing what I went through will help other birth mothers know that they are not alone. I wouldn’t say this was easy, but as you read I hope you see that in the end it was most definitely a good experience.

March 31, 2013

It has been seven hours since I held Claire. I miss her so much. I wish I could have been with her longer. I can’t stop crying. Claire is my daughter and I have given up everything for her to be happy and well cared for, but that doesn’t make it any easier for me to cope. Claire’s mom and dad said that they didn’t want to adopt any more children because they felt that Claire completed their family. I love that they feel that way. Placing Claire for adoption makes me excited to have my own children with my future husband and do for them what I couldn’t for Claire.

April 11, 2013

Depression sunk in hard when I came home. I was wishing I hadn’t gotten pregnant. Some friends helped me understand that I regret getting pregnant—not having Claire.

I can’t thank Claire’s new parents enough for adopting my daughter. I received a few pictures from Kara and a message that said, “She is such a good baby. The doctor said she was sooo healthy. THANK YOU for taking care of yourself and her.” That message made me feel so good about what I have done.

I’ll admit a little jealousy settled in my heart. I felt like I loved Claire more than her new parents. However, a friend taught me that I love her just as much as they do, but it’s just a different love.

May 1, 2013

It has been 4 weeks since I had Claire. I still miss her and love her more every day. I am so grateful for the comfort I have received from my Heavenly Father and family and friends.

The more that time goes by the easier it gets to be away from her. It does help that I get pictures and can read the blog Kara created about Claire and her family.

May 23, 2013

We had our first visit today. It was wonderful being able to see her and hold her. I didn’t want to let go. After this first visit I realize now that their idea of what the adoption relationship would look like afterwards was very different from what I envisioned it to be. They didn’t want me to talk about how much I missed her or that she looked like me or that she has my eyes around William, their son. It really hurt me.

July 2013

I finally feel content with my decision, proud of it, and happier for it. Three months ago I didn’t think I would be here, but here I am!!! I knew that what I did for Claire was the right thing for her.

The second visit we had at the office of my adoption agent, Jennifer, and it was incredibly awkward. I had told Jennifer how I hurt I was about not being able to fully express my feelings to them. She told Kara and Nate this, and that is when they decided to take a break from visits.

December 2013

My last visit with Claire was in July. It has been 5 hard months. I feel depressed all the time. I’ve still gotten pictures and the blog, but not much contact. I miss her, and many nights I cry myself to sleep.

I’ve been so angry with myself and angry at them for taking my visits from me; I didn’t feel like I deserved any of it. But I still had to respect their decision.

When I had my visit, Kara and Claire came. It was then that Kara told me they are expecting a baby. Kara is due in late March. I reached over and gave her a big hug. I was so happy for her and her family!

After the visit I had some time to think about it. I was a little sad because I thought about what this might mean for my relationship with Claire.

April 2014

Claire’s first birthday came around and I couldn’t believe that it had been a year since she was born. About a week or so after Claire’s birthday, I get an email from Kara saying that the baby had been born.

July 22, 2014

I’m not pushing to find out when the next visit will be. I am happy, grateful, and content with my life. This experience has taken time, patience, understanding, screaming, and lots of hugs to get through.

I now have a wonderful relationship with Claire’s parents. I believe that our relationship wouldn’t be this strong if we hadn’t made mistakes. I hope and pray that at least one birth mother can read this story and feel comfort in knowing that she is making the best decision possible for her unborn child.

I felt pain in the beginning, but there can be happiness after grief.

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Meghan Xavier

Meghan Xavier is a birth mom of two years, and she wants to help other birth moms have an idea of what their journey will be like. Meghan is in the process of figuring out what she wants to do with her life. She is currently in school and hopes to graduate with her Associate's degree by 2017. Meghan is a lover of animals: her true loves are horses and dogs. She hopes to own a horse farm in the future. Some of Meghan's hobbies include golfing, fishing, horseback riding, and reading. Meghan loves the cold and, ironically, loves the beach. Meghan's family is everything to her - nothing is more important.


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