Family Balancing Through Adoption: I Really Wanted a Daughter!

Does adopting for family balancing make me a horrible person?

Kathy Asbery December 04, 2015
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I understand family balancing is a touchy subject in the adoption world. It is a touchy subject in the biological child world, too. Wanting one gender over the other often brings out strong emotions in people, whether they are adopting or not. We, biologically, have three sons, and I wanted the opportunity to raise a daughter as well. When you say that out loud, there are a lot of opinions to deal with: We should have our own and take what we get; we should go through MicroSort or PGD and increase our chances of having a girl; we should suck it up and be thankful that God entrusted us with three little boys and just get over it.

We, biologically, have three sons, and I wanted the opportunity to raise a daughter as well.

 

Or, we could look into adoption.

I looked into adoption when our second son was three. I do not need to justify myself, but I will tell you that I have horrific pregnancies. I don’t have trouble getting pregnant, I have trouble keeping babies baking until their appropriate time. So looking into adoption felt like a normal route to me. When I contacted several agencies to inquire about the adoption process, I was told that adoption was only for infertile couples. Since my husband and I could have biological children, we should just do that and leave adopting to people that couldn’t. Those words hurt. When you have not only a desire to raise more children, but are told you are potentially taking from someone else and it is implied you are ungrateful, that stings.

So, we had a third child. A third horrible pregnancy with a scary but happy ending. A third boy.

It needs to be said that we adore our boys. They are the light of our lives. I never once wanted to not have any of them, I just wanted the chance to raise a daughter with them, not instead of them. Sometimes this fact gets lost in the jumble of “Oh, she only wants a girl” and shoves my boys to the wayside. This is not our life. My boys are, and always will be, important. My desire to raise a daughter was never about them, only about me.

My boys are, and always will be, important. My desire to raise a daughter was never about them, only about me.

 

I prayed often about adoption. I prayed for God to bring my husband onto the same page with me and to direct us to the right agency when His timing was right. I prayed for ten years. When our youngest son was almost 5 years old, my husband and I had a conversation about things we regret in our lives. My list was simple. I regretted the fact that I would never get to raise a daughter with our boys. My admission got his attention, and weeks later, he asked me to look into adopting a baby girl. I took his agreement and ran with it. I knew that God had heard me, and our lives would never be the same.

In February 2012, our daughter was born. After nine days of waiting for ICPC, her brothers finally held her in their arms. Their attachment to her was instant. She has three older protectors who dote on her. Three little men to have wrapped around her finger, along with her daddy. Our family is complete with this little girl. When I have been questioned about gender specificness, I am always open about it. I did not want a girl so that life would be all about bows and tea parties. I wanted the opportunity to raise a daughter. No matter how she came to us. No matter what her story. No matter what her choices in life. I wanted her in our family. With my boys. And together, we are so much more. We tell her all the time that she is our dream come true, and she is.

 After nine days of waiting for ICPC, her brothers finally held her in their arms. Their attachment to her was instant. She has three older protectors who dote on her.

 

With that said, I do not believe that we took a baby that should have belonged to someone else. I believe that God brought us together with our daughter’s birth mom. That we were waiting for each other all that time. That this little girl I snuggle in the morning, push on the swing in the afternoon, and dance with at night was always supposed to be ours. Through our journey I have also met other parents who wished to add a son or a daughter specifically to their families and have gone on to do so. Many adoptive parents that I have spoken to have dreamed of the opposite gender for their next child.

Does adopting for family balancing make me (and anyone else who does it) a horrible person? Of course I don’t think so. To me, adoption is about building families, not denying others. Is having our daughter with us all I dreamed it would be? No. It is more. Much more. And with that, I have no regrets.

If you’re interested in adopting and would like to speak with an adoption professional about your adoption options, click here.

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Kathy Asbery

Kathy is the busy mom to four kids and a part-time weight loss life coach. Holding a Masters degree in Clinical Psychology has helped her not only in child rearing and surviving breast cancer, but through the adoption process as well. Her favorite saying is: Live the life you love, and love the life you live!


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